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Joe Lieberman Vows To Blow Up The Internet

By Daniel Koffler / May 23, 2008

Joe Lieberman has made it his business to guard against the possibility that somebody, somewhere, might be enjoying adult freedom. It's no surprise, then, that when he heard about something called "YouTube"— where apparently anybody at all can post content—it was only a matter of time before the Jowls of Righteousness demanded the right to approve any video as kashrut before it appears online.

Oh, to have been a fly on the wall in Lieberman's senate office, while some unfortunate staffer informed Joementum of Google/YouTube's response.

Just try to imagine the scene: Lieberman smiling, gladhanding surrogates, schmoozing the day away on the phone, noshing on a bissel fressen, re-watching a few Dennis Miller DVDs (that guy never gets old!), drawing idea balls for his next Wall Street Journal column (ooh! Cromwell, Rabbi Akibah, Scoop Jackson; Babylonian Captivity, Hanoi Hilton, D-Day; appeasement, surrender, hijacked by left-wing extremists — this one's going to be a doozy), almost working up the courage to plant a copy of Das Kapital in Barack Obama's desk, brainstorming Hebrew prophets to compare John Hagee to. When, with a hesitant turn of the office door handle, young Irving (probably Irving, possibly Noah or Ari) tiptoes towards the rich leather couch where Lieberman is napping like a tiny wrinkled seraph, and, not knowing what else to do, begins clearing his throat as conspicuously as possible.

Lieberman [talking in his sleep]: "Why thank you President McCain, I would be honored to accept the position of proconsul of Persia…[fidgets, gradually wakes up]…what, oh, just a dream. Nathan [or Elliot or Micah] my boy, what's the news?"

David [or Jonathan or Isaac]: "Senator, Google has written back. They s-s-s-say…[gulps]…should I read it?"

Lieberman: "Yes, by all means."

Jacob [or Matthew or Seth]: "It says, 'Dear Senator Lieberman, we appreciate your letter, your interest in our business, and our other affairs. Yes, our sister-in-law is doing quite well, and the nephew has just signed up for Birthright. Now, to the merits of your complaint, we must inform you that, contrary to your assertion in §1, you are not in fact the "Emperor of Muscular Foreign Policy" (we're not sure what that means, frankly), nor, if you were, would that entitle you to veto power over the content of YouTube. Moreover, your claim in §2 is false: We checked the archives extensively, and there is no Supreme Court precedent granting the "most morally clear" member of the US Senate authority to suspend whichever provisions of the Constitution he feels he must in order to protect children from moral corrosion; nor, as far as our research indicates, is there any record of anyone designating you "most morally clear" senator besides yourself. Lastly, the point you make in §3 is technically incorrect: The entire internet is not collectively responsible for everything that anyone posts anywhere on it. Thus, unless a more compelling case can be made, we have no plans to comply with your requests at this time. Regards, etc…..' That's it, Senator Lieberman."

Lieberman [jowls turning red more in sorrow than anger]: "I see. It is interesting, isn't it, that Hamas endorses the internet? I'm sure the American people will have some questions to ask about that."

POST A COMMENT

  • By Ron Lewenberg 5/30/08 at 5:01 p.m. UTC

    Anonymous,

    Ge the quote right. Franklin said "He who would trade essential liberty for some temporary security, deserves neither liberty nor security"

     The issue then is what is essential. Moreover, no liberty is lost when a company is condemned for bad behavior (especially inconsistant behavior), but not sanctioned for it.

    PS. "Bullfeathers" is a phrase  attributed to Teddy Roosevelt instead of the more profane bull s___.

     

     

     

  • By Anonymous 5/28/08 at 10:54 a.m. UTC

    Dr Perricone of Yale can operate on Daniel to provide Lieberman style jowls. This might both improve his job prospects and success with women

  • Craig Leinoff
    By JewcyCraig 5/28/08 at 10:53 a.m. UTC

    HAHAHAHA.

  • By Anonymous 5/27/08 at 9:54 a.m. UTC

    Me again. Noticed all the negative comments. Self-hating Jew? Jealous of Lieberman? I think your kippah's on too tight.

  • By Anonymous 5/27/08 at 9:49 a.m. UTC

    Lieberman is an old man who has made a career out of finding out what the kids are into, trying to ruin it; and ironically only bolstering its initial coolness. People my age will all remember Lieberman as the guy who tried to put an end to Mortal Kombat.

  • By Anonymous 5/26/08 at 7:12 p.m. UTC

    So, Lieberman's apparently an a-hole for trying to get YouTube to stop
    hosting the most disgusting and dangerous anti-Semitic and anti-Western
    propaganda since 1933? It really is frightening to see how many
    self-loathing, Islamo-ass-kissing Jews there are in the USA. Who needs
    enemies like Hamas, Al Qaeda and Hizbullah when we have these morons?

  • Daniel Koffler
    By Daniel Koffler 5/25/08 at 9:11 p.m. UTC

    Your just jealous of Liberman

    Can I frame this? (But srsly, who wouldn't be jealous of those jowls, that hairline, and that smug superiority fuelled by deep, abiding ignorance? *Sigh*)

  • By Jack 5/25/08 at 3:26 a.m. UTC

    Does he have an opinion on videos posted by U.S. troops of their real experiences in Iraq and Afghanistan?  Or the photographing—or not photographing—of caskets coming back from Iraq?

    This Memorial Day is the first Memorial Day I truly feel what it means on a deeper level. And how much the current administration and other assorted nutjobs—like Joe Lieberman—truly hate those who make sacrifices for them.

  • By Zingara 5/25/08 at 12:33 a.m. UTC

    Old white men safeguarding the internet from "evil"?

     This will not end well. 

     All the fangirls will cry for the loss of their Harry on Draco action.

     Tragic.
     

  • By Anonymous 5/24/08 at 8:02 p.m. UTC

    Oh, Holy Joe, please protect us from the EEEEEEVILLLL  videos!!!

    Douchebag.

  • By anonymous 5/24/08 at 1:42 p.m. UTC

    Benjamin Franklin (the most Jewy of the founding fathers) once said that those who would trade their freedom for security deserve neither freedom nor security. I heartily concur. Therefore I (graduated from a public university) hereby give Mr. Koffler the pat on the head Bullfeathers doesn't seem to feel he deserves. PAT, PAT. 

    P.S. Bullfeathers? 

     

     

  • By Ron Lewenberg 5/23/08 at 6:43 p.m. UTC

    Typical Yalie. You spout leftist nonsense and presume that you'll get a pat on the head for it.

    the truth is that Youtube has standards. Conservative and anti-Islamist videos are routinely shut off based on an PC interpretation fo the user agreement. However, Jihadis are allowed to post terrorist videos.

    While Google is a private company, but there is nothing wrong with an elected official, especially a liberal, calling them out on their hypocracy and aiding and abetting an enemy in time of war.

     

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