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Jews Who Nosh on Uncircumcised…

Greetings Jewcy! In December I saw Judy Gold's show and laughed and cried my head off. Really good and it's good you're helping to get the word out. I loved browsing through your site — as a writer and perfomer, … Read More

By / January 30, 2007

Greetings Jewcy! In December I saw Judy Gold's show and laughed and cried my head off. Really good and it's good you're helping to get the word out. I loved browsing through your site — as a writer and perfomer, yoga teacher, college teacher, I like the tone and look of Jewcy very much. I've been active in the poetry community in NYC for many years and wonder if you are interested in introducing some more literary work into your pages. I see your slant is more essay writing, current events like Slate, but I think poetry is hot right now and it might work. I've pasted one of my performance pieces below, and have plenty more poems and writings relating to Jewish themes. If you'd like to talk about setting up a literature/poetry department, I'd welcome the opportunity to sit down with you over coffee. Congratulations on launching Jewcy. best, Lisa

Glatt Kosher Deli It is an ugly blonde sheitel the color of straw with the texture of a horse similar in hue to the golden brown potato knish she hands me on a small round paper plate. A bell resounds and out of the microwave comes two more plates — one with Kosher Chinese tofu and vegetables, the other with vegetarian stuffed green peppers. “You like soy? I have a delicious soy patty I made this morning” — a voice comes over the counter dripping with yiddish. I knod and chew as I watch her slice a slender sliver of gefilte fish from a narrow log. She looks up from behind the vast glass counter. “You eat fish?” I knod. Yes, oh yes — and she hands me the jelled carp on a piece of wax paper similar in color to the fish. “For first time customers you get a dip” — and she slides open the cooler door as though raising curtain number two — “Choose — whitefish, spinach, humus,” I say charif, I like charif and her eyes brighten — “you speak hebrew?” “What do I owe you?” Her tall plump son with the white deli apron wrapped around his thick waist, the payess tucked behind his ears yells something in Yiddish form across the room — “Vie fuhl ist dis?” and he holds a pound of cholent up in the air. “Today? Half price, but freeze it, it’s all fresh — I use no preservatives, but freeze it, freeze it, we want no one should get sick, god forbid.” She turns too me. “I make too much food, my husband gets upset.” It is her warmth encrusted by a layer of shrewdness I like, this religious businesswoman peddling, pushing, bargaining, selling her goods. “You want I should put the mushroom sauce over the soy patty? This is how it should be eaten.” Through the window I see her quick, efficient hands scoop the mushrooms into a small cup. With her thumbs she seals the top, airtight. “We hef some-ting for everybody — you live in the neighborhood? she asks, curious, suspicious even of this black-leather clad woman. In my head I hear bad Jew, lost Jews, non-kosher Jews, parasitic matza-ball Jews who are merely fressers, gluttons, Jews who follow the Dalai Lama, Jews who marry gentiles, do the rosary — Jews who nosh on uncircumcised cocks. When I go home I promise to say a brocha as the soy patty heats up in the microwave.

Dear Lisa,

Thanks for the compliments and submission! Fortunately, Jewcy doesn't have a poetry department. Slam poetry is scary and wacky enough to be hot right now, I suppose, so keep at it and you may just wind up in an off-Broadway show like Judy Gold.

But you seem a little raunchy so I'd picture you in a show more like "At Least It's Pink," in which a fat slut sings for 80 minutes about how fat and slutty she is, only wearing pants part of the time. I can see it now: you on stage "slamming" about slippery Kosher Chinese tofu, easing into an aria about that luscious slice of gefilte fish and a culminating crescendo of "Jews who nosh on uncircumcised cocks."

It will be FABULOUS.

I'll put in a good word to the Judy Gold producers for you.

XOXO,

The Submissions Box Checker

Jewcy welcomes unsolicited submissions. Please send yours to submissions@jewcy.com.

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