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Jew Lost Me At Hello

Noah Graff, the online reality dater behind "Jew Complete Me," just reminded me why I am dating a shiksa. But mostly he just made me feel sorry for Jewish women. A few days ago, he hit me with a friend … Read More

By / August 30, 2007

Noah Graff, the online reality dater behind "Jew Complete Me," just reminded me why I am dating a shiksa.

But mostly he just made me feel sorry for Jewish women.

A few days ago, he hit me with a friend request for his MySpace page. The page promotes his online dating show called "Jew Complete Me," in which the 26 year-old aspiring filmmaker hunts for the right Jewish women to coax beneath the chupa.

To be honest, it looked pretty lame, but I am always one to give a Jewish brotha a chance. And then skewer him when he sucks.

Early in the show, Noah hits us with this gem while he is getting dressed for the date: "The truth of the matter is, that I've never had much luck dating Jewish girls. I'm still not really sure why that is."

I think I might have a clue, Noah, my good man.

First of all, if you must show the world what you look like in nothing but your boxers, I would recommend waxing those shoulders, buddy.

I'm not making fun of you. I am a hairy dude myself (No hair on my shoulders though, ladies. Plus, I look like I should be on billboards in my undies compared to Noah. He is kinda scrawny.). But I am guessing that no woman, Jewish or otherwise, wants to date a guy with a mullet on each shoulder. Noah,would you want to date a woman with a pigtail in each arm pit? (Thank you, Rodney Dangerfield.)

The rest of the show follows Noah and his date, Heather, during Noah's version of the courtship process. As the narrator, Noah does a lot of post-date whining about how Heather stole the show from him. He implies that she has an overbearing personality. But she actually doesn't. All she really had to do to steal the show was display any personality at all. Which she did.

In the video Heather seems like a fun chick. Noah seems like a guy with huge tufts of hair on his shoulders. Noah laments that there is no chance for even a kiss on this date. To add insult to injury, he says that is "okay" because he is not physically attracted to Heather.

Who you fooling, dawg? If you had the game to get that Yiddisha Momma to give it up, you would be all over that ass like applesauce on a latke. Boy, please.

I understand the world of Jewish dating is brutal. Been there, done that. I know that dating a Jewish woman can be tough.  I won't say that they are high maintenance. But I will say that if you are not a doctor, forget about it. If you're not a lawyer, scratch your name off the list. And if you have been convicted of sexual assault on a minor even one time, uh-uh, it ain't gonna happen.

And just beneath convicted sexual predator, you find broke-ass stand-up comedians on that list. So I feel your pain, old top. But that is no excuse for you to gratuitously display your "Revenge of the Nerds" physique in a poorly produced video in which you diss a perfectly good Jewish girl.

To make matters worse, Noah states that he couldn't wait for the date to be over. The only reason he "endured" it was because he knew some of the footage would be "priceless".

Was there any priceless footage on this Jewish dating show?  Let's just say, I never thought I could miss Roger Lodge.

And as for endurance, it took every bit of strength accrued within my Jewish soul in the last few thousand years in the Galut for me to make it through the entire episode. So, Noah, I beg of you… I can't force you to quit. I won't even recommend it. We should all do our thing. But for the love of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, can you please edit out the hairy shoulder scene? Haven't our people been through enough?

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  • stacey.

    This thread is ridiculous. How did I miss this before? Dramaaaa.

    But um, going back to the original content of this article, I agree that Noah is whiny, arrogant and quite hairy. He was mean to Heather because he was intimidated, duh. He’s shy and timid, she’s loud and outgoing. Like many Jewish guys I know, he likes the spotlight and he likes being in control of situations. Feisty and fun Heather comes along and steals the show (which seemingly isn’t very hard in Noah’s presence)which totally takes a blow to his ego. I hope he finds the passive, boring Jewish girl of his dreams.

    However, I did find myself strangely attracted to him…

    oh, and I really don’t think Mason is too much of a douche. I didn’t feel he was insulting all Jewish women in his post. As a student at a university with a very large population of JAPs, I can definitely see how one could become exhausted after dating slews of Jewish women. Just know that not all of us are JAPpy!

  • jewlicious

    I noticed that quite a number of comments have been deleted. Is that a good thing?

    ———————————
    I blog at Jewlicious.com

  • jewlicious

    …and I thought Jewlicious had some uh… odd comments.

  • David Strauss

    "I'm a foreigner [...]"

    Is that supposed to be scary? If so, I guess you'll find me hiding in my ziggurat of xenophobia.

  • Anonymous

    The stupidity on this phony Jewish blog is astounding. I come back after several days and read a bunch of ignorant comments by assholes. I defend Jewish women and get attacked by shiska loving idiots. That includes fellow anti-semite Joey. Do you even know what “Hillul Hashem” means? I’ll defend Jewish women and Judaism all the time. I’ve been in several fights because of this. You obvioulsy have never been in a fight in your wimpy life.

    I use the term Goy to make a point. I know many Gentiles who don’t act like Goys so there is a difference. I’m sure you’re offended because you want Jews to become Gentiles. Mason described his sex toy as a shiksa so why don’t you crticized him? I don’t take anything that you say seriously since you advocate the destruction of Judaism. What you say is on the same level as what David Duke says.

    Hey Mason why don’t you take responsibility for your hateful anti-semitic attitudes towards Jewish women instead of acting like a crybaby victim. You’re the sad little man who doesn’t like it when someone says the truth about you. You should be in the KKK. They share your views about Jewish women and would like your future Gentile anti-semtic children.

    You called me a coward and claim that I hit Jewish, well dude those are fighting words. I’m a 100% Jew who never hits women because I respect females unlike you who hates Jewish women. I’m 6’5 and a weight-lifter. I’ll take you on Goy-worshipping jerk. I’m a foreigner and I’ve been in the military. I traveled all over the world so going the shithole that is Texas would be easy. Just say the time and place dude and I’m there.

  • jewlicious

    Oh Richard,

    Didn't you have anything better to do minutes before Yom Kippur than to post this load of bollocks? The commentary that preceded my apology was conciliatory and hardly what any reasonable observer would call "along the same theme of Mason being a loser & other "testosterone"-filled verbiage" – but we're not dealing with a reasonable observer, are we?

    Richard wrote: "I have told you innumerable times that I am NOT anti-Israel. I am a progressive Zionist. I am PRO-Israel. But I am not the pro-Israel sycophant you seem to require in order to earn that label."

    Richard, you can tell me you're the rightful heir to the throne of France for all I care. But that doesn't actually make you the King of France. The fact that I honestly believe that you are anti-Israel, that your ideas provide succor to our enemies and that your opinions are not in the best interests of Israel is all that matters in any determination of my dishonesty. You have yet to prove that I in fact know you not to be anti-Israel and am in fact misrepresenting my true opinion. Then I would be a liar. Please consult a dictionary for crying out loud. You may call me mistaken, delusional or stupid, but you definitely can't call me a liar. I can't believe that even you are dumb enough to make such a fundamental error. But it sounds good to call me a liar and a swindler, doesn't it? You couldn't resist, could you? It helps bolster your personal mythology as the poor victim of cyber-bullying. It's ironic how across the ideological spectrum, bloggers who have dared to disagree with you report the same thing – that you in fact are an invective-spewing, irrational bully.

    The same irrationality applies to the charge of stealing your images. Theft is a determination that can only be made by a court of law. I believed, and still do, that my use of your copyrighted image was legal under the doctrine of fair use. I have never been convicted of theft or of any charge in a court of law. Besides, it's not as if you've never done the exact same thing. You technically, certainly by your standards, violate copyright all the time on your blog. You use images without permission all the time and I doubt you pay royalties for the music that you make available on your side bar. So what do you call that?

    And Aussie Dave is a bully for threatening you with a libel suit? Haven't you threatened me with legal action too? So what does that make you?

    A hypocrite. Look that up in the dictionary too.

  • Anonymous

    Do you know what an idiot you sound like? You seriously need to get a hobby, instead of just posting about why this guy sucks. This isn’t a penis contest is it? Because if it is, Richard, my man, you will LOSE.

  • richards1052

    "My very clear and distinct request for forgiveness is right here"

    You wrote a long comment continuing along the same theme of Mason being a loser & other "testosterone"-filled verbiage (your word for what you do, not mine) & then appended a lame request for forgiveness in the last 2 lines. Halacha insists that teshuva be sincere. The fact that the person you allegedly asked for forgiveness didn't accept the sincerity of yr offer ("who has the time") indicates the level of sincerity which he & I attach to it.

    "It is my honest belief that you are anti-Israel. That's not a lie. That's my opinion…"

    Let's see how much yr 'opinion' is worth. I have told you innumerable times that I am NOT anti-Israel. I am a progressive Zionist. I am PRO-Israel. But I am not the pro-Israel sycophant you seem to require in order to earn that label. I am critical of Israeli policy when it is not in Israel's best long-term interests. Such criticism is in a long, time-honored tradition that goes all the way back to the Biblical prophets. Is Yossi Beilin anti-Israel? Is Peace Now? Is the New Israel Fund? I see eye to eye w. these groups on virtually every significant issue related to Israeli politics.

    The fact that you require absolute fealty to Israeli policy in order to be pro-Israel is your problem, not mine. So go ahead & keep spreading lies about me. It only points out to the world what an intellectual swindler you are.

    "You can dish it out, but you can't take it."

    You repeat yourself. You said the same exact thing to Mason & probably to Dan Sieradski whose reputation you've also besmirched. You like to dish it out. I wonder what kind of teenager you were. Perhaps the kind who pulls wings off flies. And who else have you bullied in this way I wonder? Because once you get into the habit of calling people whiny bitches, delusional & other shit like that–you've clearly got a history of mistreating many others.

    "it is a failing of mine that I cannot find it in my heart to forgive you. "

    More posturing on yr part. Do you even have a sincere bone in yr body?? You don't see this as a failing. You're proud of yr verbal cruelty toward others. You revel in it. I can see that clearly in what you've written about Mason, me and Dan.

    "Why are you even here? If I have sinned in responding less than cordially to you, you have to accept responsibility for inciting me to do so with your bullshit."

    What a laugh. "I've sinned but it's your fault." That's not the way it works. You take yr responsibility for yr own weaknesses. Don't foist them on me. You came first to my blog and attacked me before I even knew who you were. I didn't ask you to perform yr verbal knife play on me. So if you want to blame anyone look in the mirror.

    And "why am I here?" Because when you assault people in the blogosphere I'll be there to level the playing field. Too many people don't know yr history & MO & they should. Maybe you'll think twice in future before letting loose with yr spleen against others like Mason or myself. And if not, that's why I'll be there.

    " I'm definitely through mollycoddling you."

    So if stealing my images, calling me a whiny bitch delusional & anti Israel is "mollycoddling" what can you think of next? Why not try another one of yr pals tactics, Aussie Dave, & threaten me with a libel suit. Then try to tell the world again you're not a bully.

    I'll cross swords w. you anytime anywhere. Spread base, mean invective against others & you can expect me looking over yr shoulder.

    Richard Silverstein

    Tikun Olam (blog)

  • Anonymous

    I want you to know that Noah is a personal hero of mine and that I have a huge mural of him on my wall.

  • Mason Lerner

    I think that I accidentally found the dumbest person in the world.

  • Anonymous

    Don’t you dare insult me!

  • Mason Lerner

    I was just joking because people have been posting about everything but the video…you are obviously quick-witted. And I'm the retarded one. Ha!

  • Anonymous

    It is about a video. This whole thread is based on Noah Graff’s video and your reaction to it.

  • Anonymous

    I posted my comment on the wrong thread.

  • Mason Lerner

    What video? This thread is about a video?

  • Anonymous

    The girl in this video is an overweight b*tch and it is clearly she who is dissing him not the other way around.

  • Mason Lerner

    He is a sad little man.

    Though I give him credit. It must be damn hard to type in a straight-jacket. 

  • Anonymous

    I am though curious about his special ability to assess Jewishness and then put a percentage value to it. Does one get more weighting if lets say you have a family history rich in persecution, pogroms etc. What about my blond hair and green eyes – definately blood mixing at sometime. Does that knock off points?

    He is the Jewish Malfoy, of course I say that without really knowing he is a fullblood…. Maybe he is just one of those bandwagoner Kaballah Center types for all we know.

  • Mason Lerner

    Please ignore that guy. He doesn't get jokes. It's just that simple. One of the most interesting things that I have learned blogging is that Jews are as full of hate as any other people on the planet. It bothered me at first. But then I realized, as I always do, we are only humans too.

    That guys rantings remind me of the low brow propaganda of the KKK. It is sad that a Jew, or any other human being, could act in such a way. But that is the world we live in.

    If I had to guess, I would bet he has violently defended Jewish women's honor by hitting a few when he thought they were lusting after a gentile.

     Also, I do not like Jewlicious at all, Anon, but at least he has balls. I know who he is and where he lives. You are just a coward plain and simple.

  • Anonymous

    “May you be cuckolded by a thousand Arabs.”

    Gilding the lily. One of us would be more than enough to place her in a permanent swoon of quenched desire, so honeyed are our words and massive our equipment.
    This assumes that the poor schmuck has someone via whom he may be cuckolded.

    Ismail

  • Joey Kurtzman

    Anon, I admire your ability to use the expression "I could buy and sell you" in argument. That makes you special in my eyes. But just out of curiousity, do you think that the Nuremberg laws were a bad thing? If so, on what grounds? Also, you incessantly use the words "goy" and "shiksa," and in your case it's clear that they are being used as epithets. So I wonder whether you would object if a non-Jew were to repeatedly refer to you as a kike or a dirty Jew. If so, on what grounds?

    Also, does it bother you that your behavior is an obvious hillul hashem, i.e. that you bring disgrace and dishonor on the tradition every time you open your mouth?

    May you be cuckolded by a thousand Arabs.

  • Mason is a lunatic

    Mason should just give it give it up. You’re a Goy-worshipping idiot. Impregnate your shiksa and have a insane Gentile children and stop trying to be Jewish because you aren’t. Jewcy is barely Jewish but you’re 0% Jewish.

    You should just shut your mouth Jewlicious. I enjoy life everday but I don’t like when anti-semites attack and defame Jewish women. I will always defend Jewish women and have done it violenty so don’t even patronize me. You can’t even argue ove the computer without sounding like you’re about to cry.

    You and Mason both have a lot in common by being wimps and feminine “men.” I should add Richard “Hamas lover” to the group. Mason and him would are anti-semites who claim to be Jewish. “Frequent trips to Israel”? Now that’s funny.

  • jewlicious

    My very clear and distinct request for forgiveness is right here Richard. What I said to Mason, early on in this conversation was "I can continue to mine your responses for comedy material, but I won't. As a man possessed of Jewish knowledge that dwarfs mine, I am sure you realize that we are in the midst of Asseret Yemei Tshuvah. Hence, I will beg for your forgiveness if I embarrassed or hurt you in any way. Please accept that in the spirit that it was offered."

     Now what do you have to say Richard? Next, perhaps what you ought to do is look up the word "lie" in a dictionary. It is my honest belief that you are anti-Israel. That's not a lie. That's my opinion. And frankly, I don't begrudge you your opinion. You are free to believe whatever you want to believe and that doesn't bother me at all. I have many friends and acquaintances of every political stripe and persuasion and we all get along fine even when we disagree. Why don't I get along with you? It's not because of your politics. It's because you're a delusional, mean spirited, hypocritical bully. You can dish it out, but you can't take it.

    One thing you are right about is that it is a failing of mine that I cannot find it in my heart to forgive you. Usually I just try to ignore you, and I even consider this response a sign of my failure. This is something I will have to deal with on a personal level. But facts are facts and you have a great talent for misrepresenting them to suit your needs. Why are you even here? If I have sinned in responding less than cordially to you, you have to accept responsibility for inciting me to do so with your bullshit. I've made my peace with Mason – and I find myself having to ask for his forgiveness again for uh… scaring off the rubes – sorry Mason! But as for you Richard, any time you stray from your blog in order to slander my name, from now on please expect a forceful reply. I'm definitely through mollycoddling you.

  • Cricket

    I love you Mason.

  • Mason Lerner

    Can't you fellas have this conversation somewhere else? You're scaring off the rubes.

  • richards1052

    "I asked for his forgiveness"

    I must've missed that. Why don't you remind us of where you actually said that. You see Abitbol plays fast & loose with facts all the time. He's like an intellectual 3 card monty player. Now you see it, now you don't. So let's see that apology.

    " Silverstein…that dude is totally beyond redemption."

    You pride yrself on being such an uber-Jew & yet here you've violated one of the primary tenets of Judaism. Every Jew can attain redemption, even you. Though not with the soul you currently possess. You'd need to do some heavy teshuva before God would consider you ready for heavenly primetime. The Jewish merciful God also asks us to take our fellow Jews at their world, such as when I wrote that I am a progressive Zionsist at my blog & you persist in lying to the world by calling me anti-Israel multiple times. Actually you're a vengeful person. I never much went for that part of Judaism.

    And Joey, if anything I wrote about David Abitbol makes you horny you have very strange tastes in me–& you can have him.

    Richard Silverstein

    Tikun Olam (blog)

  • jewlicious

    I am assuming that your last comment takes into account the one before it. If so, apology accepted.

     'nuff said.

  • Mason Lerner

    You are right. It is ridiculous and we should all be embarrassed.

    Testosterone will do that to you. But it does come in handy when you need to move a couch or fridge. 

  • H

    Now boys, isn’t this all a bit wacky?

    As I sort of read the thread I was thinking – girls would never do this.

  • Mason Lerner

     

  • Mason Lerner

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  • Mason Lerner

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  • Mason Lerner

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  • Mason Lerner

    I do apologize for my apparent temper tantrum in response to the attacks from what's his name. I am still new to blogging, and I let the loons get the better of me.  Lesson learned.

    Hey, Jewvicious, instead of mollycoddling (huh?), how about just shoving off. You have made your point. If you don't like me and my writing, perhaps this is not the place for you. It's pretty simple.

    I truly do hope our paths cross on day during one of my frequent visits to Israel. Shana Tova! 

  • Mason Lerner

    Two pages of comments! Living the dream, baby!

  • jewlicious

    I interviewed him once. He needs to shave his shoulders, he was a bit mean to that last girl, but man – I think the knocks against him were over the top. Mason said that if you're out there you ought to be able to take criticism, but clearly that didn't apply to him. OK, cool. So in the spirit of the season, given that I had obviously inspired an extreme reaction, I asked for his forgiveness, but that seems to have gone right over his head. And then we get that Silverstein dude piping in with his usual brand of tired nonsense, I swear that guy is stalking me!

    I don't want to eat Mason's soul. I backed off. He didn't. I am happy to be reasonable but I am getting kind of annoyed at having to mollycoddle the unreasonable. The olive branch I extended  is still there. It's up to Mason to grasp it. Or not, that's his call. I have no problem giving everyone a chance. Well everyone except for Richard Silverstein, that dude is totally beyond redemption.

  • Joey Kurtzman

    I was on vacation and I'm still getting back up to speed, and I just read this full thread now. Shades! It started off like a perfectly normal thread, with all the necessary opinions expressed about the ancestry of the author's mother, but then suddenly all Gehenna broke loose. My quick read is that jewlicious was wounded by the critique of his friend, to which he responded with a sally of his own, wounding Mason and producing a positive feedback loop of hurt feelings and sallies until you were ready to eat each other's souls. And so the sparks come crashing down.

    Only our enemies benefit from such fractiousness, gentlemen. May the ways of peace be restored between you.

  • jewlicious

    …and while I have no doubt that I would rock your world, I don't swing that way despite what Mason keeps trying to imply.

  • Joey Kurtzman

    "Abitbol loves to be harsh. He loves to be snarky. And he just doesn't give a shit what he says about people he hates as long as he riles them."

    That made me a little bit horny. 

  • Jew Magoo

    Abitbol might have strong opinions but that doesn’t make him a bully. Honestly, the dude is just calling it as he sees it and isn’t the whole point in writing a blog to give the world the privlege of hearing what you think? Well if you’re so freaking special that what you think of the big, bad world deserves to be chronicled on a daily basis then suck it up when someone disagrees, even if it someone you obviously have a persoal beef with. Clearly Abitbol put your panties in a knot.

    Suck it up when someone disagrees and take it like a man and don’t accuse him of being a bully. That’s the price of doing something out in the big wide world.

    Frankly all of you sound whiny except for Abitbol.

    And all this nastiness right before Yom Kippur over some retarded video which WAS NOT EVEN FUNNY.

    Grow up.

  • richards1052

    "Sorry man, I don't mean to be harsh – but I really hate bullies and your post and many of the comments that it inspired just crossed a line."

    That's a laugh, Jewlicious (AKA David Abitbol). Abitbol loves to be harsh. He loves to be snarky. And he just doesn't give a shit what he says about people he hates as long as he riles them. So Mason, don't be disturbed by Abitbol. Many of us in the Jewish blogworld know his MO.

    And talk about bulllies. Abitbol personifies the Jewish bully. He's lied about my views about Israeli Palestinian conflict. He's called me a 'whining bitch' on his blog. He's violated copyright & defaced images of me and my children at his blog in order to attempt to insult me. He's even allowed a Jewlicious writer to publish a fake quotation put into my mouth. Anything to tar & feather those he hates. And apparently he hates SO many of us. Dan Sieradski of the estimable Jewschool has also borne the brunt of Abitbol venom/bullying. If anyone else out there knows of people Abitbol has tussled with I'm keeping a running tab. We'll call ourselves the Spinoza Club of Jews Abitbol would excommunicate if he only could.

     

    Richard Silverstein

    Tikun Olam (blog)

  • Anonymous

    That go out and buy an ice cream cone was a good one.

  • Mason Lerner

    I love the attention, sailors.

  • jewlicious

    Mason clearly has issues. But Mr. Anonymous, you sound uh… not well. Why not step away from the keyboard? I don't know what it's like in your neck of the woods, but here in Jerusalem it's glorious outside! So go out. Enjoy the autumn air. See all the happy people going about their day. Buy an ice cream cone! But do step away from the keyboard. Your anger is not appropriate given the season. And do have a meaningful Yom Kippur and an easy fast.

  • Anonymous

    You’re delusional if you think that you’re actually a Jew or even a comedian, or that you’re actully good-looking. My girlfriend thinks your ugly. I verbally kicked your ass many times and your sissy response was to go hide behind your mother’s skirt. You wouldn’t even dare threaten me.

    You’re too stupid to even have a logical debate about any of the issues written about here. All you do is lash out at people for pointing out your anti-semitic views on Jewish women. You are mentally deficient in any way.

    You’re a fraud and need to keep going to Church with your shiksa so that your children will grow up to be nice Gentiles who will hate the Jews and Israel.
    Go away and write for “Gentiles” websites who will probably think your funny because they don’t have a sense of humour. That explains why your shiksa laughs at your idiotic jokes.

    Or better yet go to a pyschologist and deal with your mommy and daddy issues who messed you up real good. It’s not me or Jewlicious you have problems with it’s your abusive parents. Your mother is the reason you hate Jewish women, assuming she’s Jewish, which I doubt. You’re a raving lunatic who needs help.

  • Anonymous

    Mason, are you pretending to be that wacky anonymous guy? This dialogue is insaaaaaaaane!

  • jewlicious

    You really ought to have stopped at "Who has the time?"

  • Mason Lerner

    Who has the time?

  • jewlicious

    When I told you that you should open your monologue with a more universal theme, that was good advice. Similarly when I suggested you chill out, that was good advice too. I hadn't realized that the Famecast thing would be a source of such embarrassment to you. I didn't think you were that awful – but I did want to turn the tables around a bit, give you a taste of what you'd done to Noah. Like I said, it's easy to pick on him. When I spoke to him, I really felt for the guy, especially when he told me about his experiences at Jewish day school and Jewish camp and on his Israel trip where he was always the outsider, never accepted because he wasn't sufficiently cool, and how that contributed to his decision to date non-Jewish women.

    I thought that you could handle it: "…I am always one to give a Jewish brotha a chance. And then skewer him when he sucks." You can dish it, but you can't take it. Why did I leave a comment a month after you wrote this post? Because someone came to Jewlicious (the site that nobody reads) and left a mean comment about Noah linking to your post. I was taken aback by that, and all I saw here were bullies so I responded in kind. You did say, and again I am quoting you "I appreciate all input."

    I live in Israel – 4 Rechov Eshkol in Jerusalem. In three weeks I will be off to Uzbekistan, Thailand, Vietnam and Cambodia. In November I will be in New York, December in Miami and February in Los Angeles. You are free to stalk me and attempt to administer a beating. It's not really advisable so don't say I didn't warn you.

    I can continue to mine your responses for comedy material, but I won't. As a man possessed of Jewish knowledge that dwarfs mine, I am sure you realize that we are in the midst of Asseret Yemei Tshuvah. Hence, I will beg for your forgiveness if I embarrassed or hurt you in any way. Please accept that in the spirit that it was offered.

  • jewlicious

    Now you're being funny! Allow me to quote you if I may, "That being said, when you put yourself out there, you gotta be able to take it."

     Clearly you can't take it so I'll stop my ribbing.

    But let me flesh out a few things for you. Mom and Dad are poor. I am a Law School graduate. They don't have middle school in Montreal where I was raised. Jewlicious is not my job. You don't know me and I fully admit that I don't know you, but your over the top response makes you sound like a frat boy in the midst of 'roid rage. Seriously. You need to chill out a bit. 

  • Mason Lerner

    Wow. There are people who are obsessed with me. Hard to blame y'all. I do know how to push buttons on top of being adorable. Be sure to tune in next week. I know you will. Maybe even get some work of your own published. I doubt anyone will read it because, you know, you are insane, but you still might find it fun.

    And, sonny, Jewish women like me. All women do.

  • Anonymous

    You can’t spell, read or write! Go back to school ignoramus. Jewish women don’t want you because you’re so stupid. Thank God your children won’t be Jewish. We don’t need stupid people like your offspring polluting us. You’re about as Jewish as the Pope. Give it up. Go to Church and celebrate Christimas and Easter with your shiska and leave us alone.

  • Twink

    You said, “Is it because Jewish women only want to date Doctors or lawyers? Uh… grotesquely inappropriate and inaccurate stereotype anyone?”

    I think it’s worth bearing in mind that this is a humor blog and that Mason’s quips about dating Jewish women were probably said somewhat in jest. If you go back and read the blog again the overall tenor of the piece is playful (if a bit deprecatory). He was hard on Noah to be sure but his criticism was limited to 1) Noah’s treatment of Heather and 2) to the overall production quality of the show. That’s it.

    After watching the episode I and many others (including Heather the Jewish girl) feel that this criticism is warranted. If you don’t then let’s discuss why that is instead of slinging mere vitriol at one another. You say you hate bullys but then you rather obviously engage the same verbal harrasment approach you accuse Mason of when you say this:

    “For instance, there’s this gem of a performance on FameCast. You’re currently ranked what, no. 204 of about 270 comedians competing? Why is that Mason? Might it be because no one gives a fuck about the Austin Chronicle? Or about Austin for that matter?”

    I would certainly expect a higher degree of professionalism from the person that “runs” (so I am assuming you’re the Editor) of Jewlicious.com. Your hypocritical comments are nothing more than an ad hominem attack of Mason and add nothing of merit to the discussion.

    Let’s focus on what is really bothering all of you: the comment in the beginning about Mason dating a shiksa. Perhaps he needs to explain what he meant by that…

  • jewlicious

    Yeah. Look, I don't blame Mason for not wanting to go to the synagogue. If I didn't understand what the fuck was going on I wouldn't go either. But as a self-described Captain Jew, couldn't he at least take what, maybe an hour and sit with an Art Scroll siddur and maybe read some relevant passage in English and try to gain a teeny bit of understanding? I know organized religion is not "cool" but to whatever extent any of us have any Jewish identity at all, it is thanks to organized religion more than anything else. There's gotta be something to it no? And if being Jewish is something he's so proud of, then shouldn't he have something substantially Jewish to pass on to his kids – I mean other than Philip Roth novels and Ron Jeremy DVDs… But that's his business, I don't want to sound all preachy – I just like asking a lot of questions. Shana Tova David Strauss and Shana Tova Mason Lerner! Oh, and Shana Tova to all caps guy too…

  • David Strauss

    Regarding the issue of Mason's children, I assume this post supersedes anything from the 8/31 comment you quoted.

  • jewlicious

    Mason, you lost me at "Noah Graff, the online reality dater behind "Jew Complete Me," just reminded me why I am dating a shiksa." And then you really pissed me off at "I understand the world of Jewish dating is brutal. Been there, done that. I know that dating a Jewish woman can be tough. I won't say that they are high maintenance. But I will say that if you are not a doctor, forget about it. If you're not a lawyer, scratch your name off the list."

    How do Noah's videos justify your decision to date a non-Jewish woman? Is it because you've had bad luck with Jewish men (not that there's anything wrong with that Jerry)? I don't understand. I mean it's not because the one Jewish woman he dated was awful – she wasn't, even by your standards. You said she seemed like a fun chick!

    Is it because Jewish women only want to date Doctors or lawyers? Uh… grotesquely inappropriate and inaccurate stereotype anyone? Have you had bad luck dating Jewesses? Do you think it's because you're a self-described "broke-ass stand-up comedian?" Or might it be because, quite simply, you're an asshole? So if Jewish women were less discerning would you be dating one? Was your decision to date your current mosaically-challenged girlfriend occasioned by your relationship failures with Jewish women? Was she a consolation prize? "Well, I can't get what I want, so I suppose you'll do…" Nice. You manage to insult all Jewish women and your girlfriend in one fell swoop.

    As for Noah, I've actually talked to the guy. I wrote about him on Jewlicious and for American Jewish Life. I took him to task for the hairy shoulders and suggested he get them waxed and film it! I don't know what Chicago is like but in New York the waxing joints are rotten with wise-beyond-their years Russian Jewish women. It would make for an interesting segment where in between blood curdling yells, Noah can ask for dating advice. But I digress (which I do often). Noah's story is one of the perpetual outsider. One can imagine his bad attitude as a kind of defensive mechanism that he's had to develop due to his awkwardness and lack of belonging. It's easy to make fun of Noah. He's scrawny, he's hairy, he's kind of goofy.

    So what? At least he's trying. He's putting himself out there, and I'm sure he doesn't mind constructive criticism. But to say that his videos remind you why you're dating a non-Jewish woman? That's not even funny. It's just mean and totally irrelevant.

    Look Mason. I'm sure you understand. As a stand up comic, I know you've put yourself out there. For instance, there's this gem of a performance on FameCast. You're currently ranked what, no. 204 of about 270 comedians competing? Why is that Mason? Might it be because no one gives a fuck about the Austin Chronicle? Or about Austin for that matter? Perhaps you might want to try more universal themes in the opening part of your monologue. Also, if you're going to speak authoritatively about drug use, it might help to at least seem like more of a druggy. As it stands, your use of profanity seems inauthentic and your crisp delivery and general disposition makes you seem more like the frat boy you make fun of. Those renditions of "motherfucker" were the whitest things I have ever heard…

    I have no idea what all caps guy is going on about. I also have no idea what you mean when you say "And my children will be Jewish according to Halacha. I will make sure of that, if only to spite dipshits like you." How does that work exactly? I'm serious… will you imbue your non-heeb girlfriend with the spirit of yiddishkeit to such an extent that she will spontaneously decide to undergo the rigors of a halachic conversion? Will you guilt her into it? Or will you dump her for the first hot Jewish babe that crosses your path once you make it big in either standup or Journalism or something else?

    Sorry man, I don't mean to be harsh – but I really hate bullies and your post and many of the comments that it inspired just crossed a line.

  • Anonymous

    Noah is a tool, point blank. He has no appeal and is a jerk. He just isn’t a cool guy and it’s funny that he is trying to be. I think he has problems relating to people in social situations, so I am not at all surprised that his dates fear him, he seems creepy. But, I like the idea of the show, I just don’t like him in it. I doubt Noah has been on many real dates, so watching him try to date while being filmed is like watching a train wreck. The thing that pissed me off the most not counting the, It’s My Show stuff, which was also annoying; was that Noah tried to teach Heather a lesson. WTF? I mean he inadvertently taught himself a lesson, that he is a jerk and people don’t respond well to him, but it was really low to edit Heather in a way he explained was unfavorable for him and then tell her to change in order to land a man. I bet if Heather edited the date, it actually would have actually been funny because she seems to have a sense of humor. You can tell Noah is one of those guys who never thinks he is wrong and can be critical of others, but not take constructive critism himself like, YOU AND YOUR SHOW SUCK NOAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Anonymous

    Thanks for your compliments on my English. Unfortunately that’s the only positive thing in your comments. I’m disgusted that you refer to Jewish women as Japs. My mother, grandmothers, sisters, aunts, girlfriend, ex-girlfriends don’t fit that description. That’s a pathetic stereotype of all Jewish women that’s anti-semitic. But I’m sure you don’t care since your Jewish identity is non-existant. I really don’t care about Mr. Lerner’s shiska’s girlfriend, Jewish women, including my girlfriend, are the best!

  • Anonymous

    When did I threaten you Mr. Lerner? How is my passionate defense of Jewish women considered violence? Wimp doesn’t even begin to describe you. I actually hurt your little feminine feelings? Don’t go Israel because you’ll cry the first day there. I find it amusing that you accuse me of cursing at you when you are the one calling me all kinds of names. How classy of you. No wonder you only date shiksas because no Jewish women want you.
    The only funny thing that you have ever written is when you mentioned an idea about a Jewish online dating show, something that you know nothing about. Now that is hysterical!
    I never called you a Nazi but I did point out that your views of Jewish women are the same as theirs. The truth is the truth and I don’t care if you don’t like it.
    Real proud Jewish men don’t disrespect Jewish women and date shiksas. You are a fraud and phony. You are only on “Jewcy” because you need publicity for your lame comedy “career” and because this blog is weak when it comes Jewish identity.
    I’m not surprised that you don’t even know the meaning of Halacha law when it defines specifically who is considered a Jew. It states that only children born to Jewish mothers or converts are considered Jewish. Back to Judaism 101 for you.
    Your children won’t be Jewish no matter what the liberal Reformists say. Your children will be excited about Santa Clause and asking you, “Daddy what’s a Jew.” I’m sure you’ll be real proud of that.

  • Mason Lerner

    I have never had so many people agree with me. This is uncharted territory for me. I wish y'all would sign up or at least leave a name. We could get to know each other and make fun of the whole world!

  • Anonymous

    The entire time I watched the episode, all I could think about was how much Noah reminded me of Screech Powers from Saved by the Bell. Noah’s innane comments, unfunny one-liners, obvious crush on the chatty popular girl (Screech loved Lisa Turtle who like Heather liked to hear herself speak!)…..I am confused how Noah thought that putting himself on a YouTube video would instantly make him Don Juan…like the audience wouldn’t be able to hear his whiny voice or see his geeky demeanor on the screen. If Noah could admit, “The only way I possibilty have a chance of getting laid is promosing some chick stardome on my ‘reality dating’ show on YouTube” I bet a lot more people would have respect for him. This came across as a scream for attention, like the boy who cried wolf, no one believes Noah can actually bag broads. Send Screech to Mr. Belding’s office with this stinker!

  • Mason Lerner

    Why y'all can't at least put your names is beyond me. Why not sign up? It takes two seconds, and if you poke around, you will find that this is a great site…

    But I agree with your post completely, except for where you say Noah should just produce it. I don't think he can handle that…I would say there is a place for a Jewish online dating show…I think I even have an image in my mind of how it should go down…hmmmmm…I'm gonna deposit that in the idea memory bank…

  • Anonymous

    That’s what’s missing, the romance! We want to see some kisses! The issue is that Noah is so concerned with looking good that the show does not seem to be really realistic. The first chick was a declared actress and the second chick could have been…she seemed pretty fearless when it came to chatting with strangers. Both didn’t seem like they would date Mr. Noah off camera. Chick #1 was wasted and Chick #2 would rather talk to anyone, BUT Noah–she seemed like a great person to bring out on a first date, no uncomforatble silences. I want to see Noah date a lady on his level, one that can sit quietly at a table with him while he preens for the camera declaring “It’s my show!” A lady that is okay with the fact Noah needs to be incharge and does not like his dates to converse. Maybe after dinner Noah will walk his date home on leash, tie her to a tree, and smooch her (that’s the only way I see it happening)! The idea of the show is great, but Noah is not the man to carry it. He should produce and find a NICE Jewish guy who is not afraid of looking silly and has some game to seal the deal.

  • Anonymous

    If someone is going to make a show about dating women there has to be a climax at the end, or at least the hope for one. The viewers of the show have to at least think that it is a real date and that there is a hope for a kiss, or anything on the more romantic side. The first date was decent because we all thought that there was going to be a kiss, or even that there was a kiss but it just wasn’t shown on the show. I would be excited to see the show if Noah cleaned himself up and listened to some real advice on dating and stopped wasting our time and his own.

  • Anonymous

    Your blog’s not mean at all….if anything, you’re helping out Noah by tipping him off on the shoulder situation. That ain’t helping him with the ladies – jewish or not.

  • Mason Lerner

    Thanks for the comment! Sign up and join the party! We can do this every week.

    I actually got at Heather through myspace, and she actually sent me an email with "Thank You" in the subject. She is totally nice and definitely deserved better.

    I have had a lot of people tell me that they thought I was so mean until they watched the video. I have finally learned to use my negative qualities for the forces of good!

    Please, seriously, in the most literal sense, don't be a stranger. I appreciate all input. Even from the violent somewhat threatening guy, that called me a Nazi. I especially liked how he seemed to be done cursing me, then realized, "Oops. I forgot something" and then came back to tell me that I probably hate my mother.

    Also, you watched the video twice? Wow. Now that is endurance. If nothing else, I got Noah some extra views. No pub is bad pub, right?

  • Anonymous

    So, I watched this show after hearing some hype that the last date (Date with Heather Episode 1) was cute. Noah did still try to make Heather look bad in Episode I by editing her as an annoying chatterbox, but through it all she seemed nice enough and pretty funny. NOW, this last episode (Date with Heather Episode II) was just a disgrace. I was so disturbed after I watched it, I had to watch it again just to see if Noah really “tried” to fool us into believing that he was the better half of the date. Seriously, as a woman about Heather’s age, watching the video brought back memories of middle school, a time I would like to never revisit, where hormonal pre-teens make fun of one another for no motive aside from jealously…I hope Heather knows that no one was fooled by this video, Noah sold himself out in this one..Thank you Mason for offering us justice and a proper explaination of Noah’s actions = Revenge of the Nerds!

  • Jewtheman

    When I first read this I thought that Mason Lerner was the biggest asshole in the world. But then I watched the video. Noah is a shmuck Don't get me wrong I respect any effort to get in the industry, however this was anything but. This was obviously a desperate last attempt to try and get laid. At the beginning of the film poor Noah actually thinks he had a shot, throughout the rest of the film you just see the anger and disappointment in his face increase and develop more and more. It's almost as if between takes Noah came out and asked heather "please sleep with me" (judging he amount of anger and pure hatred Noah shows poor Heather by the end of the film, Heather's response must have been something like hysterical uninhibited laughter followed by something like "you thought putting me on Youtube would get you laid, are you freaking kidding me"). Heather definitely stole the show, she seems like a great fun girl. That being said it wouldn't be that hard to out due a guy who seems to have the same mind set as that of a five year old. I mean come on Noah do you really think that whining and lame insults would win your credibility back with the audience? (Which got completely destroyed when you miserably failed at showing your physic! Can we say "40 year old virgin" Remember the scene where he was getting waxed hint hint. Do us all a favor if you make another one of these do not post it on youtube. Unless you entitle it “what not to do when trying to get laid by a Jewish girl, or any other girl for that matter” 

  • Pavel

    don’t worry. that’s not what i was referring to. that part was original.

  • Mason Lerner

    I challenge anyone to show me any other reference to the sexual predator bit. A classic misdirection!

    Good looking out, Lil P. Just ignore that douchebag. Some people just don't get jokes. And I agree with you about Heather. You should hit her up, achi. 

  • Pavel

    What’s with this meaningless debate? Mr. Anonymous, Mason’s shiksa girlfriend is a sweet and pretty girl who puts many JAPs to shame. On the flip side, Jewish girls can definitely be some of the smartest, most interesting, and sexiest girls around. I live in LA and have met some of the best and worst of the female Jewish population. I don’t know who I am going to end up marrying. I’m not religious, so, in principle, I don’t care, but practically speaking, it’s easier to get along with someone of your own culture. Also, Mr. Anonymous, I think your English is very good, and there’s no need apologizing for it. However, I would re-read Mason’s blog entries, because nowhere does he put himself or the Jewish people down. He merely commented on the fact that many Jewish families nowadays are so well-off that their daughters can afford to be extremely picky when it comes to potential husbands. It is a stereotype that they ONLY date doctors and lawyers, but it is based on truth. Though not extremely original, Mason’s joke was far from actually racist. I would lighten up a bit. Just enjoy it or move on. Also, Mason, don’t forget the huge number of comedians and producers that the Jewish people get credit for. We got those fields under our belts too. The world is changing. I feel that Jewish girls already take those professions seriously as well, and some might even be proud to bring a couple of us home to mommy. In any case, this blog is about the douche bag who made this crappy reality show. So here are my two cents (I’d give more but I have a college degree I must pay for): Heather is hot; Noah was digging her until he realized she had a brain. Too bad. Pass her over here, buddy. I’m sure I can find something to do with that noodle of hers. Maybe have a normal conversation? Hmm?

  • Anonymous

    You probably hate your mother too!

  • Anonymous

    I’m a racist because I don’t worship Gentiles and specifically shiksas? You’re psychotic. A proud Jew is not an anti-semite who attacks fellow Jews and thinks that Geniltes are superior. A proud Jew also dates other Jews because we love our people and don’t want Hilter’s legacy of a Jew-free world to become a reality.

    You’re a self-hating dipshit who has his lips firmly on his shiksas girlfriend’s ass and probably her mother’s too. Your mother must be so proud to have a son who hates Jewish women. Your attitudes of Jewish women are the same as the Neo-Nazis. You should blog on their websites since you have the same views, traitor.

    Your children won’t be Jewish and will celebrate Christmas and Easter, like most children of intermarriage. My children will be Jewish because I’m a real Jew and not a fraud and phony like you.

    Jewish women are the most beautiful and intelligent in the world and that is why none of them want you. You’re the one wallowing in anti-semitic hate. You’re the loser! I could buy and sell you. You’re not funny and an idiot. You’re making a fool of yourself.

  • Mason Lerner

    Just trying to make light of a jackass. It was a reference to Superman comics. Anyways, bro, sorry to tell you, but I am as Jewish as you. Both my folks are 100% Jewish. Also sorry to tell you that I think that gentiles are our equals. I also am a proud Jew. I love my girlfriend. And my children will be Jewish according to Halacha. I will make sure of that, if only to spite dipshits like you.

    That is all I have to say to you. I have no desire to debate a racist. Have fun wallowing in hate, loser. I'll wave to you from the top.

  • Anonymous

    My grammar may not be great because I’m a foreigner and English is my fourth language. What’s your excuse, stupid? If your 100% Jewish than so was Hitler. It’s hysterical when people who claim to be proud to be Jewish date non-Jews. What a joke! You’re a Gentile-worshipping Jew-hating self-loather. The good news is that your children won’t be Jews and that’s reason to celebrate.

  • Mason Lerner

    I am date shiksa because I am not Jewish? I am no understand. Why am Bizarro not posting mean words about Mason on Mason's blog?

    My mom am shiksa! You am no wrong! I no am 100% Jewish.

    Bizzaro have big balls because he am posting anonymously.

    Maybe Bizarro shouldn't go to Aryan Nation Website. He no am living in Bizarro world anyways.

     

     

     

     

  • Anonymous

    Mason’s mother is a shiksa so why wouldn’t this no-talent comedian date a non-Jew? Mason father hated Jewish women and so does he. I’m still waiting for Jewcy to hire real Jews to write blogs not Gentiles who hate and offend Jewish women. If I want that I’ll go to the Aryan Nation website.

  • Mason Lerner

    That dude had no problem making fun of Heather. I don't think my statements needed qualifying. But discourse, on the other hand, is what a blog should be about. Even a humor blog.

    That being said, when you put yourself out there, you gotta be able to take it. He made a bad show and he put it online. Even if the show didn't suck, there would be no need for the clothes change. Even if he were a Gap model, there would be no place for it. I really think he was just showing off. What he was showing off exactly is beyond me, but he clearly thinks the world should know what he is working with. I just said what crossed my mind when I saw it. That is the way it is when you put yourself out there. You are asking to be judged. I accept that, and expect the same treatment for myself.

  • Anonymous

    There is already a bad reality dating show on the tube, the name of which escapes me. So this is nothing but an episode from it.

    As far as the hairy comment, I’m glad you qualified that because that seems kind of harsh.

  • Mason Lerner

    ..because it is the perfect word to describe that guy. Nothing wrong with being hairy. But it is something to consider if you are gonna be publishing semi-nude scenes on the web.

    I appreciate the comments. Nice ta meetcha!

  • Tamar Fox

    He is kind of hairy, I think I'm just used to that, dating Jewish men and all.  But yeah, the self absorbed thing was pretty horrendous.  I worry I'll run into him in CHicago sometime when I'm visiting my parents and I'll say, "Oh God, you're that pompous jackass from YouTube."  Whoops.

  • Mason Lerner

    I made fun of his shoulder hair because I tend to fixate on the humorous, which is my job. That being said, the dude was so self-absorbed the whole time. It seemed like he really used Heather. And then he went out of his way to put her down besides. I mean, what is all that, "I hope she learned something" garbage? She came off much better than him. But yeah, creepy is a good way to put it.  I could have written a book about everything annoying about that guy.

  • Tamar Fox

    I think I know that girl.  And I think Noah looks fine, but I think this whole idea is ridiculous, and I would never date someone who required me to be on YouTube.  That is creepy.

  • Megan … Bliss!!

    finding a good Jewish guy to date IS hard

  • Dr. J

    Geez, the guy looks like he’s wearing furry epaulets. Is he a general in Chebacca’s Wookie Army? That’s a guy that seriously needs to pay attention to the Nads infomercial.