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Jew Lost Me At Hello

Noah Graff, the online reality dater behind "Jew Complete Me," just reminded me why I am dating a shiksa. But mostly he just made me feel sorry for Jewish women. A few days ago, he hit me with a friend … Read More

By / August 30, 2007

Noah Graff, the online reality dater behind "Jew Complete Me," just reminded me why I am dating a shiksa.

But mostly he just made me feel sorry for Jewish women.

A few days ago, he hit me with a friend request for his MySpace page. The page promotes his online dating show called "Jew Complete Me," in which the 26 year-old aspiring filmmaker hunts for the right Jewish women to coax beneath the chupa.

To be honest, it looked pretty lame, but I am always one to give a Jewish brotha a chance. And then skewer him when he sucks.

Early in the show, Noah hits us with this gem while he is getting dressed for the date: "The truth of the matter is, that I've never had much luck dating Jewish girls. I'm still not really sure why that is."

I think I might have a clue, Noah, my good man.

First of all, if you must show the world what you look like in nothing but your boxers, I would recommend waxing those shoulders, buddy.

I'm not making fun of you. I am a hairy dude myself (No hair on my shoulders though, ladies. Plus, I look like I should be on billboards in my undies compared to Noah. He is kinda scrawny.). But I am guessing that no woman, Jewish or otherwise, wants to date a guy with a mullet on each shoulder. Noah,would you want to date a woman with a pigtail in each arm pit? (Thank you, Rodney Dangerfield.)

The rest of the show follows Noah and his date, Heather, during Noah's version of the courtship process. As the narrator, Noah does a lot of post-date whining about how Heather stole the show from him. He implies that she has an overbearing personality. But she actually doesn't. All she really had to do to steal the show was display any personality at all. Which she did.

In the video Heather seems like a fun chick. Noah seems like a guy with huge tufts of hair on his shoulders. Noah laments that there is no chance for even a kiss on this date. To add insult to injury, he says that is "okay" because he is not physically attracted to Heather.

Who you fooling, dawg? If you had the game to get that Yiddisha Momma to give it up, you would be all over that ass like applesauce on a latke. Boy, please.

I understand the world of Jewish dating is brutal. Been there, done that. I know that dating a Jewish woman can be tough.  I won't say that they are high maintenance. But I will say that if you are not a doctor, forget about it. If you're not a lawyer, scratch your name off the list. And if you have been convicted of sexual assault on a minor even one time, uh-uh, it ain't gonna happen.

And just beneath convicted sexual predator, you find broke-ass stand-up comedians on that list. So I feel your pain, old top. But that is no excuse for you to gratuitously display your "Revenge of the Nerds" physique in a poorly produced video in which you diss a perfectly good Jewish girl.

To make matters worse, Noah states that he couldn't wait for the date to be over. The only reason he "endured" it was because he knew some of the footage would be "priceless".

Was there any priceless footage on this Jewish dating show?  Let's just say, I never thought I could miss Roger Lodge.

And as for endurance, it took every bit of strength accrued within my Jewish soul in the last few thousand years in the Galut for me to make it through the entire episode. So, Noah, I beg of you… I can't force you to quit. I won't even recommend it. We should all do our thing. But for the love of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, can you please edit out the hairy shoulder scene? Haven't our people been through enough?

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