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Good Clean Holiday Fun

It’s “holiday” time, which means credit card debt and family horror shows and nice, friendly reminders from your parents’ friends that you’re a total loser. We here at Jewcy do not understand what the impetus for a Family Holiday Newsletter … Read More

By / November 27, 2006

It’s “holiday” time, which means credit card debt and family horror shows and nice, friendly reminders from your parents’ friends that you’re a total loser. We here at Jewcy do not understand what the impetus for a Family Holiday Newsletter might possibly be. Could your close friends and family not have heard about little Johnnie’s triumphant Emmy win or the breathtaking wedding you threw Jane and her new lawyer-husband? Do you think the arrival of little Sophie/Molly/Abby really calls for formal announcement? Do you not realize that infants wearing ribboned headbands look like fucktards? Do you really think anyone but you and Elliot Dorff give a flying fuck what your total “Grandchild Tally” is this year?? Are these insufferable newsletter freaks just that colossally insecure? Do their kids not call them often enough? Is it possibly a cry for help? Does it not occur to the braggarts that they sound very much like they’re trying to convince themselves everything’s awesome? A friend of mine is terrorized annually by a Family Newsletter so fat, so obnoxious, so glaringly self-satisfied and inane that it somehow renders her entire existence momentarily meaningless. She calls me weeping every year. Is her life not a little irrelevant in the face of these smug, tangible, black-and-white laundry lists of life-cycle triumphs? Every year, we wonder: Are they trying to make us feel bad or is it just your garden-variety narcissism? If their lives are so fucking great, why the hell are they spending so much time/energy trying to tell us how great their lives are? Shouldn’t they just be, oh I don’t know, busy enjoying? And finally, aren’t “Holiday” Newsletters a little, um, goyische? At the end of the day, if your life is fantastic and your family is intact and flourishing, it might not occur to you that many people have failure and disappointment and loss somewhat fogging up their figurative holiday windows. Be a mensch and don’t make it worse, why dontcha. Share with us the most hateful, passive-aggressive, bullshit snippets from this year’s batch of newsletters. Read between the lines: what do these suburban yentas not realize about their own progeny in these euphemism-laden reports? When does “Bob and Marcie just celebrated their tenth anniversary!” actually mean “Bob’s fucking his raquetball partner and Marcie’s still struggling with body-dysmorphic disorder”? When does “Jakey will graduate from Brown next semester and is weighing his options for what’s next!” really mean “Jakey didn’t get into medical school and we’re terrified he might be gay”? Extra points if you sell out your own mom/grandma. Bring it, Jewcers. We want to wince.

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