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The Family That Argues Together…

By Rebecca Walker / February 18, 2009

Today my guy told me about a bit Jon Stewart did on why Jews argue. Apparently, a "reporter" goes and asks a bunch of Jews why they argue all the time, and they start arguing about who should answer the question and whether Jews argue any more than anyone else.

We both cracked up because, well, I like to tend to argue and my son’s father doesn’t. I’ve been trying to stop and it’s the hardest thing ever. Way harder than probability and statistics class in high school, and a quibillion times harder than the LSAT I took a few years months ago when I was thinking about going to law school. It’s so hard that I’ve often wondered if I have a neurological tic that turns even the simplest request into a passionate, two-hour debate.

In the beginning of our relationship, I explained it was cultural. It’s a Jewish thing, I told my mate-to-be. We have strong opinions about everything. You should see us at the dinner table, I said. No one agrees on anything–where we should sit, whether the lighting is too bright or too dim, if the food is overpriced or genius, if my sister should cut her hair. Our willingness to dig deep over trivial matters is a sign of commitment, I told him. It shows we care enough to engage at a deep level.

Arguing, I said. It’s how we love.

To which he replied, I’m not Jewish and I don’t like to argue because it raises my blood pressure and I want to have a calm, peaceful life. You can go out into the world and argue your a** off, but for God’s sake, when you come home, can’t we just get along?

Which, in my argumentative state of mind (tangentially related to Billy Joel’s New York Jewish state of mind, btw) sounded like: Jews are crazy, can’t you just be normal and not Jewish when you’re at home? Which made me mumble something about him being anti-Semitic, which was awful, semiotically inaccurate, and the furthest thing from the truth.

But I was arguing. Who said I had to be rational? Terrible logic, I know. A truly heinous lapse. I’m still apologizing.

But back to Jon Stewart and laughing together about the pop cultural confirmation of what I’ve been saying all along. No, I wasn’t bat mitzvahed. No I don’t speak Yiddish or Hebrew. But yes, yes, I argue. So sue me. 

Ironically, it was a great moment. A love moment. A moment of acceptance. A cross-cultural moment. A moment of peace. A, dare I say it, family moment.

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  • By BrookeLynn 4/9/09 at 9:22 a.m. UTC

    This worked at my seder table last night: 

    Have present a guest or two that nobody else knows.  It is amazing how everyone is on his best behavior when one or two brand new people are at the family table.  There were still plenty of  disagreements (religious, political, etc.), but everyone was polite!! 

  • By Rebecca Walker 4/8/09 at 5:11 p.m. UTC

    Will ponder. In the meantime:

    Who are you trying to impress with your singular view of correct conduct?

     

  • By Barbara Reader 2/26/09 at 9:33 a.m. UTC

    There are fundimental cultural differences between the idea that authority and harmony are paramont, or that truth is.   Argument should be a search for truth.

    Which means,  you should still be apologizing for :

    "Which, in my argumentative state of mind (tangentially related to Billy
    Joel’s New York Jewish state of mind, btw) sounded like: Jews are
    crazy, can’t you just be normal and not Jewish when you’re at home?
    Which made me mumble something about him being anti-Semitic, which was
    awful, semiotically inaccurate, and the furthest thing from the truth.

    But I was arguing. Who said I had to be rational? Terrible logic, I know. A truly heinous lapse. I’m still apologizing."

    Lying and distorting to win isn’t Jewish-style Talmudic argument, which seeks the Truth, it’s advocacy.  Who was your third party audience that you were trying to impress with the lie?

    "Don’t argue" is a demand for accepting HIS point of view, and a demand you be a quiet and obedient wife.  If you accept that, you are letting him rule the roost.  If he doesn’t want to argue, he can ‘yes’ you.  But distortion to win an arguement is also invalid, and makes it impossible for him to ‘yes’ you.

  • By Rebecca Walker 2/19/09 at 2:41 a.m. UTC

    I know, right?

  • By yonahred 2/18/09 at 10:29 p.m. UTC

    is jewish arguing genetic or environmental?

     genetic- other mediterranean cultures also seem to be argumentative and passionate.  (think sophia loren or melina mercouri)  (think islamic jihadis)

    environmental- although currently israel is in the physical violence business (against our will, but still) for two thousand years jews have lacked the ruling power to use physical violence against others and in its stead comes verbal violence, which includes the verbal putdown (think groucho) and arguing.

    arguing is part of the heritage- the talmud is one long argument, with breaks for whimsical legends.  thus our tendency to become lawyers and to argue.

    and think about moses and the children of israel in the desert- kvetching and arguing, with breaks for the occasional miracle.  tradition!

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