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Doc Brown Was Jewish, Right?

An Israeli scientist has figured out how a time machine might work. Once we get that thing bangin' and slangin', how do you think the Jewish people should use it to change history? No saying that we should assassinate Hitler. … Read More

By / August 23, 2007

An Israeli scientist has figured out how a time machine might work. Once we get that thing bangin' and slangin', how do you think the Jewish people should use it to change history?

No saying that we should assassinate Hitler. I assume that was the impetus for the study in the first place. Here is the top ten things I would do with a time machine for the benefit of the Jewish people: 10. I would go give an extra hour heads up to the tribe just before we broke for the Red Sea so our bread could leaven. Imagine a pizza on your seder plate instead of parsley, horseradish and a freaking shank-bone. The Manischewitz family might have to actually work for a living. By the way, we would never hear the word "leaven" or any of its derivatives again. I guarantee it.

9. Sneak into the Olympic compound and shave Mark Spitz's mustache the night before his record setting medal run. There is no reason for one of the poster boys of Jewish athletic achievement to look like Ron Jeremy's fluffer.

8. Speaking of which, why not sabotage Ron Jeremy's bris? A little snip here and there, and who knows? Instead of making us cringe with fat and hairy nudity, maybe he'd be working for Manischewitz. Or at least standing next to them in the unemployment line, both of them complaining that there is no one for them to fuck for money. 7. Find an 8 year-old Mel Gibson on a playground somewhere and throw him a savage beating. He might as well have a reason to hate us. 6. Go back to the Old West and start a few gun fights. Why we always gotta be portrayed as dry-goods salesmen in Westerns? 5. Go snap a polaroid of Jesus, if only to settle the whole "Jesus was black" thing once and for all. 4. Go back to 1950, become a stand-up comedian and end every joke with "When do we eat?" Jackie Mason would be baking matzahs for a living, but I would have a star on Hollywood Blvd. And we would never have had to endure an episode of "Chicken Soup." 3. At gunpoint, force Sherwood Schwartz to make the Brady Bunch into a show about a rebuilt family of Hasidic Jews living in B'nai Barak. Not so much for the change it would bring to the episodic continuity of the show, but for the variety show that followed its cancellation. What could be better than sequined, Hasidic Brady's singing "Turn the Beat Around"? 2. Go to Einstein's Bar Mitzvah. When he asks how he did, politely say, "Eh, it's all relative, kid. Enjoy the fountain pens. " 1. Instead of jumping all over Jesse Jackson for calling New York "Hymie Town", we could support his presidential candidacy and once in office, actually make him effect such a name change. Change the Yankees' name to the "Mohels", and we would be in business.

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