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Do You Like Being Married? |
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 by Elizabeth Wurtzel, May 13, 2008 |
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From this Series
- Are Emotional Affairs the New Infidelity?
- Married People Have Three Kinds of Affairs
- Buy Me a Birkin, Then Tell Me Your Secrets
- Describe Your Life in Six Words
- Don't Hate Me For Living in Brooklyn
- What the Memoirist and the Comedy Writer Have in Common
- Can You Stay Friends With An Ex?
- How Relationships End
- We'd All Rather Be Liked Than Known
- Do You Like Being Married?
- Why You Should Bring Sunglasses to Your Wedding
From: Elizabeth Wurtzel
To: Ben Karlin
Hey, sorry I've been a bit slow to reply. It's been a weird 24 hours.
First, someone posted a really quite funny joke on the Yale Law School electronic bulletin board that was a mock-up of a Harvard Crimson article that said I had been hired as a professor at Harvard Law School. Some people thought it was actually serious! I guess April Fool's Day was a while ago, but I am, as anyone can tell you, not particularly a legal scholar, so it seemed an obvious lampoon. But crazier things have happened.
Then I had to figure out if I was actually going to write this op-ed piece which could be really bad for Obama, who I like. The problem is, it could be bad for me too, because it's about his friendship with the leaders of the Weather Underground, and I think unless I condemn them utterly I look like a bad person.
Then some other things happened, but I can't remember what they are.
Life never really stops being high school, which is worrisome, though I suppose I've made an effort to never quite escape college.
So, back to your question: What am I looking for? I am not going to say that old trope that I'd like someone with a sense of humor, because EVERYBODY says that, and what does that even mean? I'm afraid the answer really is tall, handsome and smart, everything else is just extra. I really like the standard good things. All my boyfriends have been the theme, with very little variation on the theme. They've all been kind of obvious choices, except that they have been terribly difficult, given me a hard time, made my life unmanageable--and I think I've had enough of that.
What's your wife like? How long have you been married? Do you like being married? Someone I know who is happily married recently described the whole thing to me as kind of tawdry, and he didn't mean it in a bad way. I think I know what he was trying to say. Just getting through the day is kind of tawdry.
Did want to mention, by the way, that they've come a long way toward treating psoriasis, so there's no reason you should have to live with the condition. But imperiousness--not so much. I mean, the only treatment is meeting someone who knows how to handle it.
The struggle against injustice begins on your plate
Trent Reznor's audio valentine to Islamism
Herschel Grynszpan and the limits of Jewish self-defense
So a Catholic and a Jew walk into a conversation about faith.....
Finally, a film that tells the sordid truth about Saudi Arabia
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Pavel
Being married
I loved being single. Dated a lot. Met some great women I could never imagine marrying. I had too much to do. But when I was 24, I met a woman who scared my friends; they said so, at the very function where we all met. She scared them, I think, because she spoke clearly and in full sentences, thinking first. She made and held eye contact when she spoke. Her clarity, her poise (even though she was a little nervous), her curiosity about others, and her unpretentious intelligence, may have put my friends off, but it was irresistible to me. We were married within 10 months. That was 29 years ago, and I love her more all the time.
We haven't had kids, a decision that was made one instance at a time. If you choose not to risk it enough times the years add up and you haven't. Some regrets, but not many, because what we care about most is each other. I don't really know what's made it work. What does real love look like for us? Having a life that allows us to talk every day -- over breakfast or drinks. We may not get into much, but we're there and available, and ready to listen, and ready to respond. When we've been traveling separately, we make sure we have plenty of time to catch up. Like most things in life, all I have to do to have fun with my wife is pay attention.
She never hurts me intentionally. Never fucks with my mind (about anything important). Never prefers indirect communication (about anything emotional or involving our relationship) over direct communication. I tell her when I'm agitated or pissed. She does the same. We're not afraid to fight. And we're not afraid to see therapists, alone or together. And we're ready and willing to change. My motto: remain flexible until rigidity counts. We're also lucky: we've had good health, good families, good friends.
Oh, and she trusts me to have girlfriends -- as friends. She knows I need them, that I love the company of women. I can stay out late with them, travel with them, evn share hotel rooms with them... yes, I know, it's un-fucking-believable. Infidelity has danced through my dreams, and has laid a minefield through some of my days, but my wife's trust has kept me true. I try to return it. That's love to me.
But I'll go back to paying attention. When I pay attention to her, I see all the things I first fell in love with, plus the remarkable woman she's become. When she pays attention to me, I feel like the luckiest guy in the world. Self-absorption, probably the most pervasive personality trait I see in people, may make relationships next to impossible. When I step away from the mirror, metaphorically, I become more thoughtful, more curious, kinder, and more loving. I become a guy who is easy to love.
That's a quick screed of why my marriage has worked so far (and for as great as it is, I know I could always fuck it up)-- right off the top of my head.
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