Posts

Dating Blogger Emily: War and Plush

Albert Einstein was a hot piece of ass! I absolutely get why he had lovers by the bakers dozen. Woody Allen gets tons of tail… and I get it. Size matters. I am a sucker for a huge brain! Academics rock my world. … Read More

By / November 30, 2006
Albert Einstein was a hot piece of ass! I absolutely get why he had lovers by the bakers dozen. Woody Allen gets tons of tail… and I get it. Size matters. I am a sucker for a huge brain! Academics rock my world. So imagine my surprise when my sister-in-law set me up with a true scholar. My sister-in-law has a crappy track record – her last three set up attempts didn’t quite work out …since they were gay. Though they shared my love of musical theater, they also shared my love of men.

Anyway yesterday was my second date with my Tolstoy scholar. Dr. Tolstoy (he has a PHD is Russian Theater) and I had a fabulous first date. Not only is he brilliant, but the man has been on Oprah! In my family, appearing on Oprah is the equivalent of marrying a doctor. 

For our second date, Dr. T invited me to his apartment for dinner and Netflix. Normally, I would never go to a boy’s home on the second date, but this was my Tolstoy. At this point, in my head, our children are named, china patterns are chosen, and I already know which of my bitchy cousins I am not inviting to the wedding. So clearly, I wanted to see his place. I wanted him to whisper sweet Russian nothings in my ear. I swear if he had said “dah” or “borsht” he could probably have had me naked in 4.5 seconds.

When I showed up at Dr. T’s apartment he greeted me with a Harlequin, Fabio-esque kiss. Good start. Then he gave me the customary tour-of-the-apartment: living room – very nice, bathroom: seat down – bonus points. Then we reached the bedroom.

I don’t know quite how to describe the sight of his bedroom. No, there wasn’t porn around. At this point, that would have been a welcome sight. No. What I saw before me, on his bed, was – not one, not two, but a mound of stuffed animals. Now, when I say mound, I mean something that explorers would climb and mount. I think it had a base camp. I just stared at Tolstoy and stammered. There were elephants with chintz jumpers. Teddy bears holding giant hearts, dressed in gingham. There was a monkey in a diaper. Stuffed animals. Apparently FAO Schwartz’s Going-Out-of-Business sale found a home in his bedroom. All I could think was “Oh my god. He isn’t Tolstoy. He’s Borat.”

He saw my utter shock and said “Uhhh, my ex-girlfriend gave me one of those.”

“And your Ob/GYN gave you the other 4 dozen?” I asked. The animals were dressed and accessorized! Frankly, I am the only one in a relationship who should accessorize. I needed to escape. I just turned and said, “I have to… uh, go… I have pink eye …and cramps …and my prostate is bad …and ….” 

Now, I was in “special gym” when I was a little girl, you know, for the less gifted. But I took PE class from an evil lesbian teacher who taught me how to run. I gave a contribution at Temple in the name of that PE teacher because I have never run quite so fast. I think all Tolstoy saw was my elbows and ass as I bolted through the door. I don’t even remember actually opening the door. I think I probably exited like the Hi-C pitcher guy.

Tolstoy called me today and left some stumbling message on my machine. I guess I’ll call him back – and plan our third date to get our bikini’s waxed. Chalk one more up for my sister-in-law.

Next week is my date with my new actor. I don’t think I have ever been so thrilled to go out with someone without health insurance.

Tagged with: