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Accommodating Accommodations

Holiday accommodations span far wider than hotels and motels. Whether a host, guest, family member, friend, neighbor, colleague, or otherwise, the holidays are a time when we are all brought together under many circumstances, and required to deal with each … Read More

By / December 1, 2009

Holiday accommodations span far wider than hotels and motels.

Whether a host, guest, family member, friend, neighbor, colleague, or otherwise, the holidays are a time when we are all brought together under many circumstances, and required to deal with each other in ways unlike most other days. It brings out the best and worst in everyone. For me, it often feels like these decisions define me. I have always struggled in balancing truth with tact, and tend to be either far too blunt and direct or completely spineless. And of course I also struggle with wanting so very much to accommodate without compromising my principles or even identity.

An example from my own experience. One Passover, a couple showed up, stoned, and presented me with a cake. Not exactly the Elijah I was expecting. And this was a real, Italian bakery, flour and butter laden, gorgeous cake. I had no idea what to do. Part of me was humiliated, because they know I am observant. Part of me was terrified not to be a gracious host, or to spoil the otherwise wonderful occasion. Part of me (a really big part of me) wanted to slap them silly. So what did I do? I put it out on a non-Passover plate and kicked myself for the rest of the holiday. Not my greatest moment.

There are other dilemmas. What do you serve for Thanksgiving? Do you send holiday cards? Do you attend Christmas parties or invite non-Jews to your Chanukah gatherings? Is a cookie exchange acceptable? Do you nibble on the catering at the company holiday party? I feel like November and December are fraught with these kind of decisions. And while the actual choices are very important, often the process and conversation are equally if not more significant. If you refuse that holiday ham, can you do it in a way that does not offend? How do you not break bread without breaking faith? What can you offer to mitigate your refusal?

I’d like to hear more of your stories. How do you accommodate for the holidays?

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  • RachiAhava

    I am not an orthodox Jew, but I do observe many of the Halachot (as much as my environment allows).  I have a circle of friends in which I am the token Jew – there is also the token Muslim (we are very good friends).  Starting my senior year of high school, my Muslim friend started the Muslim Student Association.  I joined, of course, and thus it became the Interfaith Club, with me, a few Muslims of both main sects, a Hindu girl, and a plethora of open-minded individuals of the Christian faith.

    That year, after fasting for a day in recognition of Ramadan and having picnics centered around different observances, I held a Hannuka party at my house.  I procured enough Hannukiot for most everyone, and my Muslim friend and I fired up the stoves and emptied at least two bottles of oil pumping out Latkes galore.  My sister and I led the small group in songs, we played dreidel for hours (betting both chocolate and promised help in various classes), and watched Hannuka at Bubbe’s Boarding House.  I’m having another party this year, with the same type of guests and activities.

    I do suppose its easier to be this maleable at my age, but after witnessing my elder siblings go through university, I understand that there is always a safe way to go about including others and being included yourself.

    Another story: We do have a Christian branch of our family tree; they converted a while back.  They have an annual Chistmas party, and we go maybe once every three years or so.  There is the tree, and the incredibly cheesy ties, but mainly everyone sees it as a nice gathering with the occasional foregin guest (they’re Peace Corps people).  There are always dishes we can’t eat (that ‘holiday ham’) due to our consideration of Kashrut, but as long as there isn’t a scene made about it, no one really cares.  If they do notice, we explain with no hard feelings.

    My advice: begin to surround yourself with open-minded Goys, and Jews for that matter.  Allow your closest circle to understand how you work, and with any help from Above they’ll adapt their festivities, if only slightly, to accomodate you.