Single People Do Not Have the Plague

Yes to everything you say, except the last point. Asking whether X is dating anyone is not at all the same as asking how much sex X is having. It's OK to ask X whether he/she's dating someone, but it's not OK to ask what they do after the dates.

But you're absolutely right that married folks need to invite singles over (and to accept return invitations) more than they do. Single folks are part of the community and should be treated as such.

Comments on seemingly contradictory events: Most of the single people I know in Lakeview have been invited over for Shabbat dinner more frequently, as if knowing that inviting me means inviting two people is SO much more work than just one person. However, since becoming engaged, people seem more friendly. They want to share advice and tell me what I should do. Do they no longer feel threatened by me (why I was threatening before is beyond me)? Do I appear to be more settled and less likely to run away and therefore more worthy of their time?

Come ON people.

Tarfon-- It's the why not people who make me crazy, but I maintain that asking about someone's dating life at shul is pretty inappropriate.

Leah--I think in bigger communities the whole single thing is really different. When there's a big group of single people then they invite each other and people are more accustomed to single culture. It's in the smaller cities where I think it's most problematic.

The state of 'aloneness' is an unhealthy one.  It has been demonstrated in numerous studies that solitary individuals live shorter lives and have more health problems, physical and psychological than coupled individuals.  What you seem to be encountering is a cultural bias against this state which is a good thing in my view. 

I'm curious as to why you seem to have a preference for being single, which is the impression I get from reading your piece.

First of all, I'm hardly alone.  I'm part of a big community, and very socially involved. 

 I wouldn't say I have a preference for being single overall, just for right now in my life.  But I have to say, being young and single in Nashville is a pretty great life.  I think the "health problems, physical and psychological" that you're talking about apply more to people that stay single well into adulthood and/or senior citizenship.  As I said in the post, it's not that I don't want a boyfriend, it's that I have no interest in going to lame singles events to meet people.

It's backwards in my community, in a way. At work, at home, even my ex-girlfriend, all these people are always pushing me to go out and date. I almost had a possible this evening, but chose to spend it with a friend I rarely get to see anymore, or spend any quality time with, and she got angry. Half the evening of what I wanted to be quality time was spent listening to her scold me for not going out with this person I hardly know in the hopes of possible having a romantic connection. Versus when I go to shul we're always too busy discussing the weeks parshah to discuss who's single and why.

I've only been asked once that I could recall, and when I said I'm busy trying to deal with studying and working up in my career path, it was perfectly acceptable. This is also at a shul that views Conservative Judaism as being WAY too far to the right, though we are extremely small (to the point of taking the Torah to different events even when we aren't reading from it so we can have a minyan).

I don’t think it’s bad if people make you feel uncomfortable about being single, as long as they are kind and respectful.Being married and having children is good for individuals and for society.  The role of a community is to advocate and reinforce its key values.  Since marriage and children is a fundamental Jewish value, people who don’t live up to these ideals should be made to feel that they eventually need to grow into them.  They shouldn’t be made to feel too uncomfortable or incomplete, but they should know very clearly what the ideal is.

tamar, i mostly agree with your outlook on dating.  (i think that the whole concern about your dating life equating to interest in your sex life is a bit of a jump.)  but i also think it's unhealthy to be consummed and obsessed with "finding a man."  And when others are consummed and obsessed for you, it's really irritating.  From your posts, you're obviously out doing things and not just sitting alone in your apartment. 
On a side note, the most irritating thing about romantic comedies is that the woman has to end up with at least the prospect of a long term relationship by the end.  I'm always rooting for the women to end up without a relationship but to realize that they're okay either way.   

Leah...

 A couple of things are going on with you.  First, now that you're engaged, you're much less of a threat to women (single and married) relative to their men.  Before you were engaged, even though you were not hitting on their partner (husband or BF), women had an innate fear that you would, or that their partner would "wander".  I know you think I'm kidding.  I'm not.

Secondly, you are probably even happier now than before the engagement, and happy people draw a crowd.

Finally, there is that part of the crowd that feels being invited to a wedding is a sign of being on the "in" crowd.  Some of those people are cozying up because they hope to be invited to the nuptuals.  It's a last ditch attempt to get on the bottom of the "A" invitation list.  Frankly, there are very few weddings that I actually enjoy going to, but some people get a kick out of them.  Let me know who they are and they can have my next few "I don't want to go but I have to" wedding invitiations.  Then, they can can be on the in crowd while I do something  more enjoyable with the greater part of a day.

Call me cynical, but I've seen way too much of this for way too many years.  Enjoy it all while you can.

Tamar:

You can't really make the leap from being asked why you aren't dating anyone to asking the inquisitor how their sex life is.  They aren't the same questions.  A fair retort might be "When was the last time you went up to someone you didn't know and asked them to sit down with you for an hour's conversation."  Or perhaps you should ask them when the last time was that they had a meaningful conversation with their partner.  But your logic seems to be that dating only has to do with sex.  If it does in your world (and there's nothing wrong with that if it does), then I'm completely wrong here.  But if dating and sex aren't always done in combination, jumping from the singledom question to getting laid just doesn't follow (and I think you're smarter than that).

I've been away from Jewcy... Just read this and Tamar's follow-up post and I was surprised by the opening of the story.  The real issue here seems not to be that people are being nosy or invasive by asking single people whether they are dating, but the extremely negative judgments made about single people, and I'd say single women in particular.  The problem is that you were judged to be: poor, living in a tiny home, in "need" of a man so deficient in some way, a misfit who would "unbalance" a good dinner party... the list goes on.  What if, when you were asked whether you were single, and you said yes, your interlocutor simply filed that away as information about you-- like you live in X neighborhood right now, work for X company, etc?  I don't see why we have to stop asking people about their lives -- not their sex lives per se, but just how they live their daily life.  You currently live your daily life without the presence of one particular romantic or sexual partner.  There's nothing wrong with that, but it could be useful information to know.  And I promise I'd never try to set you up with my nephew.  He's way too young for you and he's not Jewish.

being single and in my late thirties has brought on this whole new way of feeling bad about myself.  i just learned how to love my body, and now this.  While my friends are finding relationships, getting married and having children (what?  like it's hard?) - I'm busy trying to figure out how to work full time, study for mid terms and apply for post bac - AND find a mate with whom i can build a jewish home while raising our jewish children.  the problem now is that the cards are stacked against me.  many events are full of twenty and young thirtysomethings.  everyone my age is married with children. 

I do want a relationship, and I've gone out to the single events, i'm on jdate (hell, i'm on frumster), and nothing.  i've come to realize that online dating is no different than going to a bar or an event.  the whole thing has cost me time and money with little results.  to put anymore work into finding a mate would cause me to sacrafice other areas in my life that are extremely important.  last february and march, i spent three weeks looking for a single date to accompany me to an event.  i did it through friends - asking if anyone new anyone who knew a guy who would be interested in going on a date.  it worked.  i did get two dates out of my efforts, but it was time consuming and exhausting.  

i have learned a lesson from all my years as a single woman:

1) have gay men as friends, but do not socialize with them.  they take up to much of your valuble time, and you're not going to meet any straight men by hanging out with them.

2) the old adage is true - women should not be asking guys out.  they like to persue. i'm sure there are stories out there of women who asked out guys, who are now their husbands, blah, blah, blah - but it's the exception. 

3) it's luck.  i've had friends whom were online, only to meet their special someone randomly at a friends bbq, dinner party...etc.

I've not given up, but now i'm just waiting for my special someone to get divorced or (kana hora) become widowed.  and my hopes of having a child (in a relationship - i will not do it alone) are slowly diminishing.  it's weird.  i never thought i would find myself in this position.  we are fed so much bullshit when we are girls that you will find someone, get married and have children.  when it doesn't, and we find ourselves in our thirties single and childless, we are left feeling like we failed in some way.  you can say to me now that there are no garauntees in life, but that's not what i was told growing up.  girls are told to expect the man, marriage and children.  i was asked what my wedding dress would look like, whom by bridesmaids would be and how many children i planed on having.

i don't want to give you all the wrong impression, it's upseting when i talk about this topic, but i don't walk around angry about it.  really.  i like people.  i like meeting new people and being involved in community.  i'm also downright adorable.  it is just so distressing to find myself in this position, and to feel like I have failed in some way - ugh!. 

i'm telling you.  i'm single, but it's not my fault.  i'm trying.  but before you judge me and make a comment...do you know anyone who knows anyone?  that would be more helpful.

 peace out

Late to the party, but:

It gets even better, Tamar. My solution, in my nifty little Midwestern town, was to avoid the Jewish community from ages 25-35. Then I got married, had kid, and went to shul, inoculated against the "Have I Got One For You" network. Guy wasn't Jewish, no problem, everyone was welcoming, etc.

Then my husband filed for divorce.

Next thing I knew, I was not only an unbelievable hottie, but in need of protection and desperate for rescue. I had to figure this out, of course, from the abrupt change in how the men treated me. I mean I thought I was just there having a conversation, but no, apparently I was Helpless Single Jewish Mother Boobs On Parade.

Well, that pissed me off, but I have a kid to educate. So I decided they could all go screw themselves. That was two years ago. Every now and then the women try to fix me up with some nice schlep who needs a woman, and I say no thanks. The Chabad guy tried to set me up with one of his buddies, and apparently I squawked loud enough to put an end to that. The very last thing I want is a man to take care of; I don't need to argue with a guy about the fact that my non-kid-related work is not only important, but nonnegotiable; and I don't dig the thing where you foist a new parent, who may or may not stay, on an unsuspecting kid who's already got a rough go of it. The whole business with the stepdad and the nubile teen is not something I want to invite, either. I wouldn't mind having a dinner date or a roll in the hay now and then with some debonair fella who stays in his own house, but I'm content to stay unmarried at least till my daughter's grown.

It's possible my demurrals threaten the married women (nearly all of them are), who have really been very polite, but tend to come back and poke again every few months. Don't get me wrong, they're genuine about it, and want me to be happy, but don't really get that I don't want to be a wife. OK, so be it. Maybe the couples fight after I talk with the men. Fine, let them enjoy their insecurity. Do I miss inviting people for Friday night, well, frankly, I'm kind of busy and poor. I don't really want to cook all afternoon and spend a week's grocery money to feed a doctor couple and their four kids, and have the evening drag on forever while the kids are falling apart from tiredness. Shabbos playdates are good enough for me. Often we're invited for holiday dinners, seders, etc, and it's really very nice, if possibly awkward -- my kid's very low-maintenance, old enough to feed herself and run around with the other kids, and most of my Jewish friends have many kids. This means that I sit and talk with the men while the women chase after, feed, clean up after, direct, etc. their kids. If they sit, I'll talk to them, too.

One marvelous thing I found was that my rabbi was very responsive to the problem of men being persistant. I had one crazy guy more or less stalking me; the rabbi offered to throw him out, then asked me to come talk with him about ways of dealing with sexual harassment in the congregation, and seeing about whether the women's center would do a program for local clergy. I'm totally impressed.

The only real problem I have with the setup at this point is that the social life of the shul is really set up by and for rich people, most of whom have no idea how non-rich people live. Most of the time it's fine, nice, they give wonderful support, they subsidize my kid's Jewish education, but honest to God, I get people asking me if I'm bringing my daughter on the trip to Israel. Yes, of course, I'll spend half my annual income on a two-week trip. Are we coming to the luncheon? Certainly, I've got a spare $30 here in my nose to spend on lunch for a 5-year-old. I mean they just don't think, and if you bring it up they're either apologetic and start treating you as if you've lost limbs in the war or they're offended. But I think you'd run into that anywhere.

Oh.  By the way, Tamar, you misunderstood the guy's "You need a guy" remark.  It meant:

1.  Guys need a woman like you.

2.   You're obviously anxious to entertain like a family woman, so get on with it.

3.  Nobody (who I talk to)  knows single women who entertain like this.

4.  You have way too much energy and time on your hands to waste it on singlehood, which everyone knows is miserable, because I was miserable when I was single, and it never occurred to me that a nice woman might not be so hot to be some guy's mother/maid/cheerleader/family-connections-maintainer/social-secretary/nurse and kneecap her own work to take care of the family and the guy's career. Because, you know, I come from a world which is about yay wide. 

This is the real, true Anonymous, not the one up there, and I agree with Tamar completely. However, it is worth remarking that family formation does not come naturally. It never did. If it came naturally, there would not be a big occasion with a fancy dress, and guests, and all that stuff. Nobody does that for things that come naturally! So, one does have to definitively make up one's mind. Put it first, or forget it.

That goes for the men too! They think it's easier for them. It's not! Older guys are not smiled on much by younger women. When the men's age-mates can't have children, well, that can mean: no kids for you, Methuselah. So, a guy of 38 should think, hard and fast. Even a 32 year old woman may regard him as an oldster.

Heck. A guy of 31 or 32 should think hard, because..... it takes five years to acquire a pregnant wife. A year to date, a year to convince your parents she's good enough for you, a year to get the right venue for the wedding, a year to get used to being married for real and see if you like it, and, a prengancy year.

All good  things should come to Tamar, who is doing fine.

No, ALL single women should entertain "like family women," because it's fun and because  - why not? They're people, too! Any woman can say "no" to a man who asks her to marry him. Plenty will, when they see she can present an evening he would be proud to be the husband in. You have to demonstrate you can actually DO it. By actually doing it.. And, it's fun. And darned socially useful, in this day of nobody being able to afford to hang out at restaurants anymore.

Why not develop a Shabbos round-robin - where "it's my house this week, and Rachel's next Friday night, and Sarah's the week after that", and pull in any Jews who are around, so there are always new faces. They never come with empty hands! In their hands should be: wine, flowers, fruit, corn chips and dip, something.

The women light candles together and people feel human.

This Tamar is great. She should give lessons.

You write: "The state of 'aloneness' is an unhealthy one.  It has been demonstrated
in numerous studies that solitary individuals live shorter lives and
have more health problems, physical and psychological than coupled
individuals. "

 Funny thing, but I wonder how many of the people in those studies are men.  In studies of men and women after divorce, the findings are quite different.  The men tend to do markedly poorly unless they're off with a new girlfriend; the women, on the other hand, suddenly find the quality of life much better, and are happier.  I think this is borne out in what happens after spouses die after long marriages -- widowers tend to decline quickly unless there's a new woman; widows live quite a while.

I'm a little biased, having come to marriage after 20 years of living as an honorary man, including an education which presumed ambition, ability, promotability.  Membership in the club, as far as it ever goes for girls.  I'd been in plenty of relationships, some of them long-term live-in, and really hadn't anticipated the cultural expectations of wives, or the intense social pressures to present yourself as A Wife and do wifely things.  But frankly, I thought it was a lousy gig, even discounting the fact that my guy relapsed into a serious mental illness shortly after we married. (And no, I hadn't realized how serious his problems were.)  I still can't believe how much time I spent on trivial nonsense, and I'm still angry thinking about how I was pressed by all and sundry here in Liberal Collegetown to forget myself, my own life, my health, and my work in service of the family.  (This is made up for with magazine articles cheerily encouraging you to take some YOU time!  Just not too much.)  And then when I got pregnant -- oh, don't get me started.  It was a good three years of "what. the. fuck" for me.    

There are plenty of women who enjoy wifehood, but I can't see doing it again. Thing is, you seem to get two kinds of men -- the "serious marriage-minded" (obviously not candidates for me) -- and the perennial teenagers.  And really, I have little patience with them.  I already spend lots of time with a child, and I don't need the self-absorption and vacillations and inane conversations about how it's stupid to protect children from sex because it's all around them in the culture anyway.  Or whatever.  So I've had no dates...er, ever, since I was married.  It'd be rully rully cool if Harrison Ford moved into my neighborhood, but I hear he's taken, and probably a little old for me anyway.

I like the round-robin idea.  I tried to get something like that going here, but I think the community's too small-- the pool of possibles isn't big enough, so a few work or kid emergencies kind of squashes it.  Maybe someday.   

Real true Anonymous says - AmyAmy, if you tell your local college's Hillel and Chabad there is always extra soup in your crock-pot on Friday nights for droppers-in, the young will show up. (Keeping kosher is not hard, once you get the hang of it.) Might be fun. Anything they don't eat, you can freeze. 

Less formal than a round-robin. A mom-robin. Just a li'l ol' Shabbos At Mom's.

You might keep a few extra kippot in a drawer, and a couple of Art Scroll siddurim, and a few benchers. There might be interesting discussions at the table.

If a Chabad guy shows up, they lead the band, and bring the atmosphere. They know the story and feel the feeling.

<weary smile> RT Anonymous, you have to understand: I'm a single mother of a kindergartener
who's away from home from 8:30 am to 6 pm daily. After her long week,
I'm not going to ignore her or ask her to sit politely by while I take care of college kids. I also work most of the time I'm not
asleep or taking care of domestic things. If I entertain, it's people who are my friends, preferably friends who bring kids for my kid to
play with. It won't be strangers, particularly ones who aren't coming to play with my daughter, and it won't be routine.

I suspect the soup would go uneaten, anyway, around here. It's all the Hillel can do to get the college kids to show up; they aren't the kind to travel a few miles from campus for soup with a 40something lady and her kindergartener. They don't turn up at Chabad or shul, either. This is a small midwestern town, and a small community, not a place where students tend to go if they take their Judaism seriously enough to keep kosher. (I don't. I know the rules like the back of my hand, but I'm essentially agnostic, and not interested. If I were, I wouldn't live here either; I'd live in a place with a large Jewish community.) Many Saturdays there is no minyan.

Here is Friday night at my house: My ex drops off my daughter at 6 pm. (No, that's not negotiable. Local judges are not interested in the vagaries of sunset; there are almost no Orthodox Jews here.) I cook something a 5-year-old will eat and I can tolerate. Dinner lasts about 20 minutes and is punctuated every few minutes by "Eat the food. Put that down. Tushie on the chair. Eat the food. Try the broccoli. Are you done? Then sit. Tushie in the chair. Do you want more ______?" Generally I don't light until after my daughter's in bed; I won't leave flames unattended and I have a small child prone to swinging things around. There's some reading, snuggling, and playing together; we might sing some zemirot. Then there's washing up and bed by 7:30; story and Sh'ma are done by 8. Occasionally we go to Fri night services, but they start at 7:45, really too late for her. We usually wait till Saturday morning.

You have to remember, when you're talking about single-parent families with small children (other single Jewish parents here have multiple small children -- autism in one family, wild boys in another, etc.), that apart from the general fatigue and lack of money, you cannot expect conversation. There are not two parents to switch off between looking after the kids and entertaining the guests. The parent is going to be primarily involved in caring for the children, paying attention to them, listening to them, answering them, directing them, etc, particularly if there are no other children of playing age around. Other parents of young children are fine with the fractured conversation, but childless adults generally find it frustrating. To make a thing like that work, and not turn it into more work for the parent and frustration for the kid, it really needs to be multiple families involved, with the college kids tagging along if they come.

There are some nice fantasies about these little families all pulling together, but the reality is that the various schedules and needs don't generally allow it. I cannot, for instance, have the mother with the autistic child over here; it's chaos, and all that happens is that the child destroys the house while her mother runs after her, is mortified, and apologizes. The mother with the boys is dating ferociously and does not want to spend her Friday nights trying to have a Shabbos dinner and keeping the boys off the kitchen counter. Etc. I find it works much better to let the kids lead the way. If they're friends, in general, the parents can be friends, married or not. Then, if it's too much to have packs of kids in our houses, we sit at shul and let them play there, and maybe at the end of the afternoon an extra kid will go here or there and play over, and the mothers may come or not; if there's a kid-friendly event at shul, we go.