I have a sick fascination with fan fiction. Part of this is genetic, I'm sure, since my brother is one of the foremost opponents of fan fiction, largely based on issues of copyright and, I think, something having to do with reading a fan fiction story about Dick Van Dyke and his son Barry, both stars of a show my brother produced for many years, having a hurt/comfort scene together. I'd explain what a hurt/comfort scene is, but, well, I don't really know. But these people do, as evidenced by wide library of hurt/comfort stories they have in their archive. At any rate, I find fan fiction fairly harmless in its most base form, which is to say someone sitting at home dreaming up ways for the Oompa Loompas to get their revenge on that bastard Wonka and then typing it up to share with friends and family and fellow Magic: The Gathering players. I'm less inclined to find fan fiction stories about real people harmless -- like, you know, stories about the actors from Boy Meets World meeting up in real life for hot sex with their fans. The characters? Fine. The actors? That's just weird. And troubling.  And a little hot. Well, I mean, if I wasn't married and didn't have easy access to Cinemax. .

This week is a big week in fan fiction circles, or at least one circle, or chamber, or goblet, as the final installment of J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series hits shelves on Saturday. A quick visit to HarryPotterFanFiction.com confirms this, what with the spoiler alerts, discussions and general Potter-mania afoot. Most interesting, however, is that last week the site announced its finalists for their annual "Dobby Awards," recognizing the best fan fiction produced on the site in various categories. Voting is being conducted presently. I haven't read much fan fiction over the years; saddled as I've been with really bad general fiction produced in the various workshops I teach, I figured reading stories about Kirk and Spock gang-banging a Romulan cum slut or Scooby and Scrappy taking it to a whole new level with "Scooby snacks" probably wouldn't make my life any more rich or nuanced. But it's summer, you see, and I've got some time. In the interest of science, I decided I'd give a few of the nominated stories a whirl, see if they captured me, or, at least, didn't repel me into the arms of a James Patterson novel.

It should be noted that though I haven't read the last three Harry Potter novels, I have seen all of the movies, so I at least have a general sense of the world. That said, I've decided to judge these stories (or parts of massive fucking 89,000 word fan fiction novels that make me wonder how these people have the time and gumption to write a novel based on characters they don't own when it's all I can do to get my ass in the chair for characters I do own and am passionate about and I've already been paid for) on simple creative merit; as in: If they were my student, when would I stop reading and instead begin crafting ways I might get them to drop my class. This usually becomes apparent to me when I begin counting mentions of people smiling, dialog tags using words other than "said" and references to characters' eyes. 

I read three nominated selections at random:

 A New Life For Hermione – Chapter 20 by Elena -- a finalist for Most Memorable Scene.

Loving the Devil by Slytherinfan -- a finalist for Best Novella

Hogwarts Sanitarium by HollyH -- a finalist for Most Original Story\

For both Loving the Devil and Hogwarts Sanitarium, I just read the first chapter of each, while with A New Life for Hermione, I just read the memorable scene. 

A New Life For Hermione: When I think of memorable scenes in books, I'm usually drawn to moments of great character revelation -- Gabriel's epiphany in The Dead, for instance. Or, in Richard Ford's story "Rock Springs," the image of Earl walking through the parking lot trying to figure out which car to steal. Or even in a book like Elmore Leonard's Out of Sight when escaped convict Jack Foley and cop  Karen Sisco find themselves in a trunk together and inexplicably find some common romantic ground. Moments, in other words, where characters change and grow on the page but, moreover, the reader becomes aware of a paradigm shift. In the case of A New Life for Hermione, the most memorable aspect for me, apart from Hermione and Draco hitting skins with, apparently, some other Hogwarts folks watching in the wings, was the author's inability to punctuate dialog correctly, the author's reliance on both expository dialog and expository narrative, the author's decisions to shift point of view whenever the author thought it might be cool and, well, the amount of pleading, eye rolling, smiling, adverbs and cliched sex writing (all you need to know is that Draco and Hermione are just about to climax together when the chapter ends...it's a fantasy, I know, but, c'mon).

By the numbers:

Amount of smiles: 6

Amount of dialog tags using something other than said: 11

Number of times eyes were mentioned: 9

Final thoughts: I like the idea of Hermione and Draco getting it on in the forest primeval and I like the idea of people watching them get it on. I do not like cliche. I do not like it in a boat. I do not like it with a goat. I do not like it in Harry Potter fan fiction, either. My advice to the writer: Good instincts with the forbidden love. Brush up on writing dialog that conveys character; it's not about how they sound, it's how they think. Learn proper formatting. Don't shift point of view unless you have a reason. Trust that your reader has had passionate sex before and thus knows how it feels and then write it so it's titillating vs. purple.

Loving The Devil: Well, it goes like this: Hermione and Harry are going to call up Tom Riddle's 16 year old self to help them battle He Who Shall Be Played By The English Patient In The Movie Before The Current One. Not a bad idea. I sort of like it. Good concept. The problem here is that the author writes dialog that is so expository I couldn't manage to stay in the story long enough to care. To whit: "Wait a minute Hermione" Harry started again, "How did you come across this spell again, this Tempo Rectis thingy?"
"Tempus Rectum," Hermione stated, clearly annoyed. "Harry I already told you, I was in the library and I happened to be looking in a book about the mystery's of time travel and I found the Tempus Rectum spell. It can bring a person from the past into our present time and keep them here until we send them back with the counter spell." After mentioning the counter spell, Harry noticed a red tinge color his friends cheeks.

The narrative is just as loaded: Hermione said this with a smile and Harry had no choice but to believe her. When had she led him or Ron wrong before? Harry couldn't think of a time. And plus, Hermione was skilled with time travel as it was. Why, she was only in her third year when she was given a Time Turner in order to get through her extensive course load. This made Harry trust Hermione beyond all other things and eased his worries a bit.

Add in what appears to be endemic issues with Harry Potter fan fiction -- an inability to format dialog correctly, adverbs, tags that explain dialog that is already so expository in nature it would be impossible not to get the meaning -- and you end up with a chapter that doesn't auger well for the rest of the novella.

By the numbers:
Amount of smiles: 1 (Good job!)

Amount of dialog tags using something other than said:  8

Number of times eyes are mentioned: 3

Final thoughts: A good idea. I like it. I think JK should have done it herself. A very interesting way to defeat He Who Shall Be Played In The Movies By The Guy Who Starred In Maid In Manhattan. Your dialog, frankly, is awful. You need to get a handle on how people talk to each other. Your narrative voice is dry and lacks distinction. You aren't JK, you don't have to write like her. You can make up your own vivid voice. My advice: Take a tape recorder out into the world. Listen to people. Read more fiction not involving boy wizards.

Hogwarts Sanitarium: Now here is a writer who, with a little more training, could do some damage. The author has taken a minor character, mentioned only once in passing, and has created a whole world for her, filled with her own conflicts, her own issues, her own personality. So, you know, except for the bits where she's using established characters, settings, clothing, ideas, themes, etc. etc. etc. etc., she's actually creating her own fictive world. We like that. We think she should write our story about the Oompa Loompas getting their revenge. We think she should ditch this Harry Potter gig and make up her own stories, where she could, you know, publish them and earn a living and get stalkers and restraining orders just like the rest of us.

That's not to say there aren't problems with the writing here, as there certainly is. Tons of passive writing. Meaningless secondary action. Adverbs in dialog tags. Cliches-a-plenty. Opening and closing every door (literally and figuratively speaking). Expository dialog and narrative. But within that, there is also solid scene building, a flair for description, originality...and...emotion. Real emotion. Now, all that being said, it's amateur stuff for sure, but with some instruction this writer could find her voice, could find a world she owns. A novel idea, I know.

By the numbers:

Amount of smiles: 6

Amount of dialog tags using something other than said: 9

Number of times eyes are mentioned: 6

Number of Exclamation Points: 8 (special for this one...easy on those bad boys)

Final thoughts: You need to teach the rest of your brethren how to format dialog. You've got some skills, some natural ability with dialog and description and a nice, natural voice. Please don't end up writing chick-lit. My advice: Try writing without the crutch of a set up world. You can do it. I believe in you. Well, I mean, I believe in you in so far as I believe in anyone who has some talent to write, but that doesn't mean I want you sending me pages.

What I've learned here is threefold:

1. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.

2. It wasn't as good as I hoped to god it would be, nor as good as it could be if people read more books and understood what expository writing looks like and how to avoid it. And people: Enough with the smiling!

3. Strunk & White's Elements of Style for Muggles would be a big seller in the fan fiction world.