What To Do In the Wake of Humiliation

Since you mention "turning the other cheek" as a possible response, I thought this might in some way relate.  (Because, of course, once your bring up the cheek-turn, you can't help but bring Jesus into the fray.  Even though, I'm sure there's some identical rabbinic teaching that precedes Jesus'--as there always seems to be.

from Talking Torah with Jesus, Herbert Bronstein:

“For example, Jesus taught that calling someone rakah (empty-headed or moron) or a public insult of any kind was equivalent to murder, punishable by hell fire.  To be sure we find certain rabbinic equivalents.  For instance Rabbi Eleazar Ha-Maddai taught that among offenses for which someone will lose their portion in “the world to come,” even if they are learned in Torah and otherwise do good deeds, is insulting one’s fellow in public.  It was a common practice to use hyperbole, exaggeration for inspiration and moral teaching to emphasize how important certain behavior is.  Among these lines is an ancient rabbinic saying that explains how someone who publicly has perpetrated the equivalent of murder.  It is based on the Hebrew phrase for murder, “spilling blood,” and for insult, “whitening the face.”  When you insult someone, their face turns pale or white.  Thus, when you have spilled blood from their face, “whitening the face” is equivalent for spilling blood.  Therefore, the insult is equivalent to murder. …In this manner, Jesus teaches that lustful thoughts are equivalent to the act of adultery itself.  I would agree that there is a danger in succumbing to a pattern of lustful thoughts and feelings.  But what is central to Judaism is what you actually do.  It is the deed that counts.”

...but are trying to make the subject more complicated than it actually is because what is ethically or halachically required is difficult for you.  

Let me preface by saying that I understand that words can be difficult, humiliation is an awful thing, and putting yourself back into the breach requires a lot of bravery and willingness to endure discomfort.  So I empathize with your situation and do not mean anything that follows lightly.  That being said, you asked for advice and you seem to be the type of person who's looking for truth rather than sugar-coating.  So here goes: 

 In the first paragraph you say "he seems to have meant it as a compliment, though that’s confusing, because no part of the statement was even remotely complimentary." 

Well, to me that answers everything.  You are not sure  if this guy meant to hurt you or not.  So here are your options:

1.  Pretend like nothing happens, seething inwardly every time you think about your laundry.

2.  Try and kick his ass or verbally attach him back, even though he might not even know what he did wrong, or

3.   Politely but firmly explain to him why his words were innappropriate. 

Do you really need a rabbinical explanation to see why #3 is the right answer? 

 If he really did "mean it as a compliment," he will apologize and hopefully learn something (meaning you perform a double Mitzvah--you help him with T'shuvah and you prevent possible future victims from being hurt by the same insult).  If he's a complete jerk and actually meant to hurt you, then what's the worst thing that will happen?  An argument?  You storming out and taking your laundry business elsewhere? You already said you can take the guy, so you shouldn't have to fear for your safety.

The comment was made when I dropped my laundry off.  When I went to pick it up, I explained that it was the most offensive thing anyone had ever said to me.  And he smiled.  His wife apologized to me, which I appreciate, but to me that doesn't really count.  I've made it very clear that he did something wrong, and he seems to have no real reaction.  I don't believe he meant to offend me as deeply as he did, but I don't much feel like going in there *again* to explain it to him.  That seems lame, if nothing else.   I guess my question is more along the lines of what do we do/say to regain our dignity, both for our own psychological well-being, and to rebuke the person in question--if that's allowed.  It doesn't seem clear to me if rebuking him is halachically sound, especially if there's be a culture barrier, which makes it less likely to be an effective communication.  What I want to do is hold a grudge against this guy.  I want to tell all my friends that he's a jackass, and encourage people to find another place to do their laundry.  But I don't really think that's the answer, either.  Maybe it is, though?  Am I entitled?  I don't know.

Im so curious!

I want to know too! And was he a non anglo-phone? Did he 100% understand what you were saying?

Guys, it was the more offensive thing anyone has ever said to me.  I'm not going to publicize it!  He's Korean, I think, and seems to speak perfectly good english, though obviously there's a pretty significant cultural divide.

You did say in your original post that he had multiple opportunities to apologize, but it wasn't clear to me that you actually did bring up the situation and he STILL didn't apologize. 

 I do think your more philosophical points are interesting and can be debated in theory, but whenever I think down to the actual situation in which you put, I can only think of one response: He's an a-hole.

The world is full of a-holes.  In fact, your piece could be titled "What's the halachically appropriate response to a-holes."  Now, of course, we all want to punch an a-hole in the face every now and then.  That's sort of an intrinsic quality of being an a-hole.  But we can't do that most of the time, so what's the appropriate resonse in most circumstances?

 I know you were asking about the talmud, but I think the great Buddhist sages had a very appropriate answer.  They say that every time we act instinctively out of our base desires, we create bad karma that will, in turn, lessen our will to resist those base desires the next time and also corrupt others.  On the other hand, every time we respond to difficult situations with mindfullness and equanimity, we transcend those base desires and free ourselves and our earthly companions from evil/egoic forces. 

People make Karma out to be some sort of cosmic ledger in which we credit/debit our sins and virtues.  I think a more sophisticated and realistic way to view Karma is as a sort of momentum: bad thoughts lead you to identify with those thoughts, which lead to bad acts which lead to bad habits which leads to bad character, which leads to more bad thoughts.  Karma's powerful but NEVER overwhelming.  At any moment we can begin to change our lives by not letting the cycle get past the "bad thought" stage.

Enter the a-hole.  He acted out of ignorant, base, and foolish urges, which of course led you to have "bad" thoughts.  Holding a grudge against the guy would essentially mean identifying with those bad thoughts, allowing them to consume you.  Then you get habituated to holding grudges, the sweet, sickly satisfaction that comes from nursing anger becomes like a drug.  You'll want more of it whenever the universe doesn't go your way.  The vicious cycle will continue, or...

 --- YOU JUST LET THE WHOLE F-ING EXPERIENCE GO! Just don't respond; don't identify with those bad thoughts, or with the bad words he used.  Save your limited time and energy for something more productive. 

This doesn't mean you sacrifice your dignity or let him walk all over you.  You don't have to continue giving your business to unrepentant a-holes.  But more importantly, you don't have to give them your attention. 

Isn't the deal that you can 'gossip/lashon ha'ra' about a person if it will save someone else, in particular a business situation? And so if thats true it follows that it be perfectly acceptable and almost required of you to let anyone you know that they risk humiliation and offence if they do business there. Just doing you duty.

Sorry, this seems like "mountain, meet molehill" sort of stuff to me. Maybe my ethical instrument is not as finely tuned as Tamar's, but it seems to me that if this is the sort of thing with which you struggle for days, you may have too much time on your hands. Again, I stress that this is my take only, and it's not to say I don't obsess about stuff that might seem trivial to others.....

In any case, what do people think about whether it would make a difference to know the content of the dry cleaner's comment? There is no doubt that Tamar felt devastated by his remark and that she's trying to figure out how to respond. But would it matter to the advice you'd give her to know what he said (I agree with those who've acknowledged their curiosity-who wouldn't want the details?) But putting the normal nosiness aside, how would your response be different if he said something you didn't see as offensive?