Rabbis! What Are They Good For?

My dream was to be a Jewish communal worker and a Jewish communal leader. Those aims led me to a graduate degree in social work and to semicha. Curiously enough (and not unusually), the two educational tracks often conflicted and sometimes reinforced one another.

I graduated and did what I was supposed to do: became a rabbi/educator/youth worker, first as a student rabbi, then as a rabbi in a large congregation. There, I fell into the trap that the article describes (and the related trap that Tamar's trying to avoid):  I allowed myself to believe (as the congregation did) that I and my colleagues were responsible for all things Jewish in the life of our community members...that there would be no marriage, divorce, birth, death, study or prayer unless we were there to stage the action.

When I had enough of being asked to hang people's mezuzot (what, you don't have a hammer of your own?), respond to questions of the blessing to recite over a yahrzeit candle (none!) and even a request to participate in the blessing of the animals (hello, I went to a Jesuit university -- I know this was started by St. Francis of Assissi!), I chose to pursue my love of Jewish teaching and youth work in Jewish communal organizations.

Now, here's the catch:  I was at a conference, speaking with a rabbi friend of mine. When I told her that I was "leaving the rabbinate", she looked at me and replied, "you're not leaving the rabbinate, you're joining the most important part of it!"

I never forgot that teaching.

There are all sorts of rabbis out there, and all sorts of models for rabbinical roles. Some are doing great things.  For my model though, I've chosen the route of being a facilitator and enabler of people's Jewish journeys. I no longer preach. I teach a little. But mostly, I study WITH.

And on my journey, I've met a surprising - and growing - number of rabbis who are taking the same road.

At mid-life, finally full-time in a pulpit after exciting career changes, well, I need this from both of you.  Thank you for your teaching - reminding me what I know but what I forget when my business background overtakes me and drives me into administrivia.

As someone who has known Tamar from rather early on, I'd like to share a family story about rabbis. Tamar and her sisters attended Jewish day school and have belonged to an egalitarian independent minyan since they were born. One day as I was driving the carpool home from school somehow we got into a conversation about rabbis and one of my girls (I really don't remember which one) said, "what is a rabbi anyway? I don't know any." Not exactly true, at that time there were three rabbis who were members of our minyan (including the director of Camp Ramah, a Reform rabbi who was no longer working in a congregation(I loved the comment that no longer working in the rabbinate is incorrect), and a hospital chaplain), but none was acting in a synagogue rabbinic leadership capacity. Although now we have two rabbis on staff at the day school, at that time we had none. So I found myself trying to explain to my daughters what/who a rabbi was and pondering over the fact that they had been at shul every week of their lives and at day school for several years never knowing what that term meant. I think that just goes to prove that the title rabbi should really reflect a person's education and how you relate to your rabbi--friend, support person, teacher, religious leader--is a very personal choice.

For a wedding to be recognized, it IS a very simple set of requirements among which is NOT a rabbi.  On that you are right.

 But the two witnesses need to be religiously observant jewish men who can testify before a beit din that you are married.  The conditions for people to be edim- witnesses-- are a matter of much discussion in the talmud, and it's too big a discussion for this space, but on some matters women can't testify (on others, men can't), and for a wedding, it needs to be edim who would be recognized by an orthodox beit din's standards. 

Oddly, reform usually DOES tell you that you need a rabbi, and that you need to pay him.  i'm not sure where conservative holds.  and states and countries usually require a certified minister/licenced marry-er in some form-- i.e. usually a rabbi.  But anyone educated orthodox will gladly tell you-- it's not a secret-- that all you require are two witnesses and a ring.  But there are certain standards for those witnesses.  I'm not saying I agree with this one way or the other, I'm only saying how it is.

Actually...you only need edim who would be recognized by an orthodox beit din standard's if you have any use for an Orthodox beit din.  Many of us to do not, and so the edim can be pretty much anyone, as well. 

The Reform movement (like the COnservative movement) will encourage that the ceremony be lead by a rabbi because they want their rabbis to be involved/get paid.  I imagine that if you asked the head of HUC how vital it is to have a rabbi the answer would be something along the lines of, "We strongly encourage it, but don't require it").  I might be wrong about that, but I doubt the Reform movement will refrain from recognizing your marriage if it happens without a rabbi.  

As for legal matters based state to state, some states do require a clergy member's signature for a wedding license, but I know plenty of couples who had a rabbi who was present but not under the chuppa sign the document.  ANd of course you can always get a civil ceremony done immediately before or after by a judge or whoever.

when i get married, i don't want it to be in a synagogue. i want it to be in a neutral environment, like a park. but even though i'm not observant, i do want a Rabbi to preside over the ceremony, though. asking one of my friends to do it would be weird, because none of them would know what to do.