FIRST PERSON
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The Play-It-Down Jew | |
| Should I tell people I’m 25% Jewish? | ||
 by Rebecca DiLiberto, June 4, 2007
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TAGS:
1985. United Airlines flight 80, SFO to JFK, seat 4B. I am a child of divorce, en route to visit my father for the summer. I’m unwrapping my third Fruit Roll-Up and humming along to the Xanadu soundtrack when Gargamel and Zorro appear in the aisles, holding AK47’s and wearing dishdashas. “All Jewish children, please come to the front of the airplane,” one screams, “It is time for us to eat you in the name of Allah!”
I think of my passport. American. My last name. DiLiberto, Italian. My blue eyes. My light hair. They’ll never guess I’m Jewish. I can pass. I can live. I tighten my seatbelt as all the good little Jews march, silent and stoic, to the front of the plane. Even at ten years old, I know I am a coward. Those little Jewish children will go to heaven and I will languish here on Earth listening to my conscience.
Identity hijack: Would you come forward?Wait, do we—Jews, I mean—have heaven?
1985 was the year Uli Derickson saved a bunch of Jewish passengers on TWA flight 847 by hiding their passports. I became obsessed with the news story and spent hours contemplating what I would do if I found myself in a stand-up-and-be-counted situation. I used my mother as a sounding board.
“There’s no way they would know unless I told them, right? Think about it. My eyes. My name. I don’t seem Jewish.”
My mother would roll her own blue eyes at me. “There are plenty of Italian Jews. With blue eyes.”
“Yes, but it’s less obvious. That they’re Jewish.”
“This is a ridiculous conversation.”
“What I want to know is do I have to tell them? The hijackers? Do I have a moral obligation?” I have always loved catchphrases.
“While I hope you’re proud to be who you are, I don’t think any rabbi would argue with using any means necessary to preserve your life in an extraordinary situation.”
“But during the Holocaust—“
“This conversation is over. I’ll be on the airplane with you, and I’ll decide what we do.”
If only my mother could come with me on dates. Here’s the dirty truth: I am a play-it-down Jew. Recently, I was on my first date with a sleepy-eyed patrician lawyer. We were swapping tales of our childhoods. After I told him about growing up in San Francisco among hippies and crab mongers, he told me about his hometown of Dearborn, Michigan. I said I had heard it had the highest concentration of Arabs of any American city.
Dearborn's favorite son: Henry Ford“And it’s no coincidence,” he chortled. “It’s the most antisemitic place in the world! Because of Henry Ford.”
I nodded. Ford was on my Jewish stepfather’s list of famous Jew-haters, along with Vanessa Redgrave and Louis Farrakhan. Never would our family buy a Ford or rent “Blow Up” or attend a Nation of Islam rally.
“I had a friend when I was growing up in Dearborn whose house had a tile floor, and inlaid in the floor was a huge swastika mosaic! Can you believe that?” My lawyer laughed and took a swig of his martini.
I snorted uncomfortably. Why was he telling me this? He had no reason to suspect I was Jewish, did he? And was he outraged—or amused?—by his neighbors’ antisemitic interior decorating? I needed to make an interception before one or both of us were humiliated.
“Whoa, you don’t have anything against Jews, right? I mean, I’m part Jewish.”
Part Jewish?
My mother’s mother is Jewish, but her father is a Southern Baptist. My own father was Catholic, and although he didn’t protest when my mother insisted on raising her children as Jews, he loved to tease her by claiming he’d had me baptized while she was at the beauty parlor (better safe than sorry). So I’m actually only a quarter Jewish, but the right quarter.
When we were young, my father’s three Catholic sons from his first marriage all found it hilarious to refer to me, their only sister, as “the JAP.” On the other hand, I started getting “You don’t seem Jewish” in second grade at my Waspy all-girls school—from both the Wasps and the other Jewish girl. In Hebrew school, the principal snickered every time she had to say my Italian name. In college, the first and last time I ate dinner at Hillel House during Passover, two girls I knew socially whispered to me, with a giggle, “What are you doing here? You’re not really Jewish.”
It was confusing. To gentiles, my quarter-Jewishness defined me, the way just one drop of food coloring turns a gallon of water bright blue. But Jews rarely accepted me as one of their own. I was stuck, and reasoned my way out, moseying down the path of least resistance. There was no question which identity was easier to take on. Certainly not the one who was supposed to know thousands of prayers in an ancient language, or actually enjoy gefilte fish, or trade stories about a drunken confirmation trip to Israel I hadn’t gone on. When it came to the Jewish experience, I could never measure up.
Private prayer: Jesus is not my homeboyStill, I squirm if I find myself at a church service, whether at a wedding, a funeral, Midnight Mass, or on a trip to a foreign country. Private prayers buzz about inside my head: I do not accept Jesus as my savior, just because I’m here or anything. He was a really stellar citizen, not a savior. Well, some people’s savior, obviously, just not mine, per se. Shema, Y’israel… At my own father’s funeral: Do I kneel when the priest says to, like all the good Catholics? What am I supposed to do when my brothers take communion? Is it more disrespectful if I eat the wafer, or if I don’t? Will it affect my father’s ascent? Because if yes, I’m opening my mouth right now.
Oddly, I’ve always felt I belonged in synagogue. Not in youth groups or classes or that terrible post-service lox-stinking brunch room, but invisible in the sanctuary, listening to ancient prayers whose meaning I don’t necessarily know, but which still resonate in some place inaccessible to my rational mind.
Part Jewish? Everyone knows that Judaism is a matrilineal religion—if you bloom in a Jewish womb, like me, you‘re a Jew. Entirely, not “part.” Why hadn’t I just told Mr. O’Lawyer , “I’m Jewish?” Because I actually liked this guy, and I didn’t want to risk nipping our nascent relationship in the bud. I figured I’d let him fall in love with me first, then drop the J-bomb. I am deeply ashamed to admit it, but I fear that my Judaism is something a potential suitor might hold against me. Family lore has it that a dashing Princeton boy fell in love with my mother while she was still in high school. She says that after he found out she was Jewish, as they nibbled roast pork at his parents’ manor, he never called her again. When I was a prepubescent, this story felt like a cautionary tale. My mother was perfect! Her Jewishness had to be the reason this guy dropped her! It didn’t occur to me that she might have used the wrong fork at dinner, or that he might have been seeing an older girl at Princeton, or that—heaven forbid—he just wasn’t that into her. My ten-year-old take-away was this: Gallant, rich, important men don’t like Jewish girls.
So, some forty-odd years later, I took the implied lesson to heart: Keep the religion thing close to your chest. But come on—how long could I stay on the Down Low if this guy and I actually got into a real thing? (Well, for quite a while, come to think of it, seeing as how I’ve pretty much abstained from religious holidays since my bat mitzvah, and there’s the Italian name thing, and the Southern Baptist grandpa thing, and the fact that the only Jewish food I can stomach are those little chocolate-covered jellies you get on Passover…)
J-Bomb: To drop or not?But—aristocratic suitors aside—how could I live with myself without full disclosure? It scares me to think that I might compromise my identity—Jewish or otherwise—to snag a husband. Or that I think so little of the men I go out with that I assume they’re antisemitic. But I am ashamed to admit that I don’t want to seem “other,” part of some creepy, horn-hiding, baby sacrificing cult. Do I really think anyone still harbors these ridiculous ideas of Jewishness in 2007? Come on!
Beyond all the Jewbilation ale, Kabbalah bracelets, and VHI specials, we all know that Jews remain the warty fairytale villains of the global subconscious. I don’t need to tell you that “The Passion of the Christ” grossed more, domestically, than any other R-rated film in history, or that “The Protocols of Zion” is reportedly a bestseller at countless bodegas, or that many liberals and conservatives alike blame the United States’ Israel obsession for this horrible war we’re in. No wonder little Noni Horowitz changed her name to Winona Ryder.
My impulse to pass has less to do with self-loathing than an obsessive need to be loved. I’m sure if I were to date more Jewish guys, I would be belting out Dayenu at Passover, and not only at the table. But for some reason I rarely find myself breaking bread with a lantsman. They just don’t seem to go for me, whether it’s that I’m not Jewish enough or simply that I’m voluptuous (everyone knows that Jewish guys, no matter how robust themselves, are weight Nazis). Besides, am I even allowed to call myself a Jew? My looks, paired with my nonobservant background, have contributed to a lifelong sense of cognitive dissonance: At once, I feel too Jewish and not Jewish enough. My Jewish self turns her nose up at my gentile side, and vice versa.
On vacation alone last year, I became friends with a burly, married Italian named Tony. In the first five minutes of our acquaintance, we bonded over our last names (which both end in the classic “o”) and our identical philosophies on the cooking of Sunday red sauce (pork being the crucial ingredient). We took long daily walks, during which he expressed unhappiness over the state of his loveless marriage. I nodded sympathetically when he told me he had decided, as a Catholic, never to divorce, but to have clandestine affairs instead (he felt a strong sense of “duty” toward the institution of marriage). He had assumed that, as a DiLiberto, I was Catholic too, and I didn’t correct his assumption. (I mean, I am a little bit Catholic, right?) In this case, I wasn’t interested in romance, just acceptance—a sense of kinship with another lonely stranger. And I was afraid that, like many members of my own Italian family, my Italian buddy harbored deep-seated anti-Semitism.
It’s my pesky pathological need to be loved: if I sense someone might be uncomfortable around a member of the tribe, I play my Jewishness down. The converse works, too: In the company of observant Jews, I suddenly find myself making comments like, “I wish I could keep kosher!” or “There’s something so sexy about a well-placed yarmulke.” And I should say that this see, we’re just alike! proclivity extends beyond religious affiliation.
* * *
Mirror, mirror: Jewish from multiple anglesNeedless to say, Mr. Swastika Mosaic and I went nowhere—things fizzled after a few dates. It would be convenient to say he stopped calling when he found out I was Jewish (which was my mom’s belief, of course—this from a woman who erects a 1000-piece miniature Christmas village every November), or to explain that the swastika comment was enough to send me packing—but we made out after both revelations, so the burnout had nothing to do with principles. And there’s no question I am more ambivalent about my own Jewishness than he was.
I realized after things were over the absurdity of my tendency to play the Jew thing down: I could end up married to an antisemite. What would my unsuspecting hubby think when my mom insisted he watch my bat mitzvah video, or when my Yiddish-speaking Grandma attacked his cheeks? More important, how would I feel lying next to this man in the middle of the night, knowing I had cheated both of us out of the best thing marriage has to offer: total honesty without judgment? Probably the worst feeling would be the lifelong shudder of self-betrayal, shouldering the guilt of lying to terrorists on an airplane every day for the rest of my life. Thank God Judaism has a built-in honesty clause: even if I were to marry a bigot, his children would be, officially, Jewish. An eighth, but the right eighth.
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Rebecca DiLiberto lives in Los Angeles, where she performs many odd jobs. She has an MFA in writing from Columbia University and is working on a number of books: all of them brilliant, none of them finished. More... |
Adam Shprintzen
Wait a second...
Aside from any objections I may have to the identity issue (I mean, could I be 1/25th Zoroastrian? How far do we take fractions?), there was one line in Rebecca's article that I really took issue with:
"(everyone knows that Jewish guys, no matter how robust themselves, are weight Nazis)"
Really? Really? All Jewish guys? Or maybe just the asshole, egotistical ones? And maybe they are that way just because they are bad people...not, say, fueled by their Judaism (dare I say that perhaps if they took an interest in the philosophical that they would be a little less concerned strictly with appearance?).
The implication in the above section is that either a) as a people Jews place a great emphasis on a beauty myth, particular body type, etc.... or b) that Jewish men, in particular, have become programmed to value body type over intelligence, quality of person, etc...
Yet Rebecca offers no proof of this statement, rather just an assertion, a broad-broad generatlization at that. Beyond being sloppy, unsubstantiated writing, the implications of the statement are just inherently problematic and somewhat offensive.
Maxwrites
Rebecca DiLiberto's "The Play-It-Down Jew."
First, the piece was wonderfully written, evocative, and a pleasure to read. Next, as a 100% Jewish female, going back to the Spanish Inquisition, I have had many of Rebecca's thoughts and issues. What do about the terrorist on the plane? When to tell a prospective date that I'm Jewish or more precisely, when -- my name also ends in a vowel. This all started when I was young and my mother told me to wear a star of David on a chain around my neck so that some thoughtless or bigoted classmate didn't hurt my feelings. One did, anyway, by bursting into tears: "Why are you crying, Florence?" "Because, you're Jewish. You're going to Hell."
I liked the piece very much.
Thanks, Rebecca, for writing it.
Adam Shprintzen
Just to clarify...
I really enjoyed the article as well (even if I have a different perspective, I did still enjoy it a lot and thought it was really of value). I just really had a problem with that one assertion.
I suppose part of my ideological objection is that it accepts the idea that there is a specific way to "look Jewish." Despite that it is possible to look like anything and be Jewish. I realize this isn't Rebecca's doing my any means, that it is just reflective of a distinctly American ideal of Jewishness; however it seems like American Jews are often the first to buy into this idea.
W. Owens
"Play It Down Jew"
My mother was Jewish, my father Welsh and Irish. No surprise, then, that I enjoyed your essay, Ms DiLiberto, for I've often thought myself about this question of ethnic identification. At a certain point I decided that my thinking on this theme was part of a a more general process of articulating my own identity, an aspect of self that, I believe, derives from many elements in addition to ethnicity, including gender, sexual orientation, citizenship, class, schooling, profession, and politics. Human identity is so various, we are thus all of a "mixed background." For this reason, I disagree with those who would say I am Jewish because my mother was Jewish. No, I'm half-Jewish, half Celtic-- and ultimately, as DNA testing would reveal for many others, other ethnicities as yet unknown. I say, embrace it all because it's all about being a human being. Those who insist that we be one thing or another would limit our humanity. Those who insist that we be one thing or another are themselves in danger of embracing some form of absolutism.
Anonymous
Raised Jewish, Think of Yourself as Jewish, Have Jewish
Ancestry--I don't know any non-Orthodox Jews who would say you're not Jewish, even if you're mother wasn't. You're one-quarter Jewish ethnically, but you're a Jew, and Judaism is your religion, even if it's the religion you don't believe in! For that matter, your mother is also Jewish. To be honest with future suitors, you should tell them, "I have a diverse ethnic background, but I was raised Jewish and consider myself Jewish, but I'm not observant." There, no thank yous required.
RebeccaD
Wow, thanks for being such close readers!
A few responses:
1 - Re: the weight Nazi thing.
- This assertion is by no means scientific; it has to do simply with people I have encountered. Since this is a personal essay, the only proof I owe my assertions is my own life experience, right?
- You're right about the "everyone knows that." Since "everyone" doesn't know any one thing, it is "sloppy," and I'll add presumptuous. Strike it with your red pencil.
- In making the above statement--that Jewish guys prefer skinny chicks--I am in no way buying into the whole looks-Jewish thing. In fact, I find that many of the skinny chicks my Jewish guy friends fall in love with also happen to be shiksas.
2 - Re: Raised Jewish, Think of Yourself As Jewish, Have Jewish ?
Thank you for that very well-formed response. I will use it on my next date. Oh, wait, you said I didn't have to thank you. Well I want to anyway! I'm contrarian like that.
Rebecca
Adam Shprintzen
Thanks Rebecca!
Thanks for the response. Sorry if my language was a bit confusing, my "looking Jewish" comment actually was separate from the comment about Jewish dudes being weight nazis (yes, to your point it is a personal essay and as such you have the right to make that observation. Again, was probably just an issue of wording rather than your intent).
Rather, I suppose regarding identity/looks, I was stating that you presume (and probably rightfully) that because you do not look like a certain ethnic type (my guess would be of Eastern European desent) that guys would assume that you aren't Jewish. And again, maybe this is true. I suppose that my point is that anyone with the right intellectual chops would know/understand that anyone could be Jewish (or heck Muslim, Buddhist, Catholic), and that outward appearance has very little to do with that beyond our own societal misconceptions.
Anonymous
Overweight Jewish women
I remember a My Turn essay published in Newsweek magazine a few years ago in which an overweight Jewish woman lamented that even though she was a proud Jew and had supported Jewish causes and Israel for years, she could not get a Jewish man to marry her. check out the Newsweek archives. She seemed really pi***d off about it. I think that Rebecca has a point. Why is it that Jewish women who have the typical Jewish features like Barbara Streisand and Amy Winehouse have to marry goys? Why won't Sacha Baron Cohen marry a fellow British Jew like Winehouse but has to marry a hot redheaded shiksa? Points worth pondering.
Anonymous
works the other way, too....
Very interesting piece. I've had similar feelings in the other direction; how long to wait before correcting someone's assumption that I'm Jewish.
I grew up in Brooklyn and tended to hang out with Jewish kids in high school and college. Most of the women I dated were Jewish as well, much to their parents' consternation. In any event, between my vocal inflections, occasional Yiddishisms, inclinations towards the intellectual, indifference to sports (this was the 60's, when Jewish boys, at least in my neighborhood, still cleaved to that particular stereotype)......oh, yeah, and my swarthy good looks, I was (and am) frequently taken for Jewish.
I found this mostly kind of exhilarating. Besides the general lusciousness of having a secret (think of being a spy, or invisible), I enjoyed the fact that folks liked the same things about me that I liked about my friends-and myself. In some ways, the things I valued about myself-my interests, my disputatiousness, my sense of humor-I coded as Jewish. I needn't add that this tack was heaven-sent for an adolescent looking to distance himself from his past in the service of separation, individuation and related psychological tasks.
As I got older, things, as they will, got trickier. I'd find myself in groups where folks would make comments about Gentiles that I know they wouldn't have made if they knew my true identity. What to do? Would they feel embarrassed if I said something? Would it be worse if I waited and they found out later? Could I live with feeling like a liar?
I'd rationalize my silence in all sorts of ways; "Well, they're right. Those plaster saints do look kind of dumb on the lawn". Or, "This isn't the right time. I'll wait until it comes up naturally." But the truth was that I felt a kind of thrill being thought of as a Jew, in the manner of white guys floating on air when a black guy asks them about jazz-"Yeah, I'm down with that shit, too". OK, I know, stereotypes. Sue me.
Worse, what about hearing unflattering comments about Jews by Jews? Big time guilt-a shandeh fur die goy, and he's me.
I don't want to imply that I enacted some long-term charade. I'd find a way to let folks know that, despite the snipped dick and endearing neuroticism (sue me again), I'd spent serious time on my knees, sniffing the frankincense and fingering the beads, and, like Jim Carroll, putting my tongue to the rail whenever I could. There were no long-term deceptions.
No, I'm talking about the shiver I got from feeling that a big part of my identity was not really me, and then that maybe identity and authenticity were more elastic than I thought. Not wanting to get all medieval on essentialism's ass or anything, but the lesson for me was that "really me" was a little funkier a concept than I'd imagined.
I think of Lenny Bruce's routine about what's Jewish and what's goyische, and its assumptions about the fungibility of Jewishness to things that have no essential connection to religion, race, etc.
Anonymous
Re: Works the other way too, and Jewish identity
Quite ironic because this story reveals the apparent shallowness of the people "Anonymous" grew up with. It seems anyone with a Germanic sounding name and/or Central/Eastern European features can get accepted as Jewish, while those with Sephardic or Mizrahi backgrounds are still questioned, like the writers above, and myself. I once worked with a young man of German-descent who counted several family members as having been in the Nazi SS. Much to his discomfort telephone callers would frequently assume that he was Jewish because his family name ended with 'mann' and his first name was Jason. This leads to the debate about Jewishness being a 'nature or nurture' issue. One can be Jewish and eat bagels and lox and speak the odd Yiddish words, but by doing the opposite alone (ie knowing/practising little to nothing regarding one's religion, history, or the worldwide Jewish people, yet displaying certain aspects of Jewish culture and taste) is a recipe for disaster for Jewish continuity. As people continue to intermarry, they will consider it disadvantageous to self-identify as Jewish because of social pressure to take part in the 'White' mainstream. Parents should attempt to instill Jewish religious values and identity into their children so they can identify the real essence of being Jewish, regardless from where you originate, your name, or the color of your skin, hair, or eyes.
Anonymous
Nice article!
I've often wondered, given that at one point Jews comprised 10% of the Roman Empire as well as one-third of the Arabian peninsula and about one-half of the Horn of Africa, whether just about everyone is Jewish eventually, depending on how far you apply the "mother-of-my-mother-of-my-mother" rule.
Not meaning to be pedantic, either, but I think you're either 100% Zoroastrian or your're zip, in response to the poster above. No wonder there's only 100,000 of them left.
Joey Kurtzman
Six Billion Jews
Yep, in fact the math says that every person on the planet is directly descended from King David himself. Unfortunately also from Lothar the Incontinent and anyone else who had lots of kids in antiquity.
Anonymous
I never could understand.
How someone can be half-Jewish? What half is Jewish - left or right? In addition, Judaism is not a race but religion. Everyone can be Jewish. But it is, indeed, not easy. Believe me, I am a 100% Jewish. More of this, I am Russian Israeli Jew of American citizenship. I am who I am. What do you think about it?
Anonymous
100% Jewish, NOT 25% Jewish
OK: Jewish Grandmother + Jewish mother = 100% JEW (and not no bullshit 25% Jewish - 100% straight up Jewish. Period). Don't let anyone tell you differently. You also qualify automatically for the Law of Return and the Israeli government will list you as being of Jewish nationality, free to marry any other Jew in Israel without complication. Basically the father's ethnicity or religion is irrelevant as far as the "Who is a Jew" question is concerned.
Moreover, even Haredim/Chassidim/Ultra-Orthodox Jews would agree. Maybe if you practiced another religion, the Reform movement might say you are not Jewish but since it seems you practice Judaism you can't even be disqualified on those grounds.
The main issue is dealing with your need for acceptance and approval from people you don't know well who may not care so much about you as a person(dates, near strangers, etc.). It happens to manifest itself from a Jewish perspective but it likely also manifests itself in other aspects of your life.
That being said, your issuses are not unknown amongst the Jewish people.
What I do (and I'm a convert so I SO do not have stereotypical Ashkenazi Jewish looks and have a very un-"Jewish" first and last name) is that I subtly drop "the J-bomb" by casually referring to things like Shabbat, including minyanim I daven at and Jewish events I have been to, etc. In other words, Judaism is interwoven into the fabric of my life so much that they are inseparable, and one would know I am Jewish after talking to me for a short time (especially on a 1st date).
And I am not even so religiously observant.
If you like, you could just get more involved in the Jewish community. BTW, I know plenty of Jewish men who prefer women with some T&A, including one man who loves big boobs so much that he will and has dated women as much as 30 lbs overweight just to get the pretty face and the boobs he craves. He even said to me once "I like JAPy women."
I mean, you do live in New York, the Jewish community is large and diverse enough that you can find your niche - if you want to find it.
god
Who is a jew??
I think that it doesn't matter if you are 25% jewish or 1oo% jewish.... you need to feel jewish to be jewish and there are many jews who assimilated.
You don't need to hide your judaism, you need to be proud because it's a big gift to belong this wonderful religion!
BTY I'm 100% jewish.
JewcyCraig
Obnoxious
I'm afraid Judaism is more ethnically injected than anyone seems to admit, especially when you start bandying about phrases like "stereotypical Ashkenazi Jewish looks" and whatnot. Face it. People know what a Jew looks like.
And I'm gonna have to go ahead and disagree about coyly inserting Shabbat, davening, and the rest of your J-Bomb fallout into conversations like it's nothing. It really sounds obnoxious. Is it possible to do it without making it sound forced? How about when it is actually forced? I really don't know why anyone needs to be thinking this so thoroughly.
Anonymous
keep the faith!
What an interesting story - I love the personal essays at Jewcy!
My mother's Jewish and my father's Christian. When I was younger, I self-identified more as Christian than as Jewish because we observed more Christian holidays than Jewish ones. (The extent of my Jewish upbringing was limited to lighting candles at Hanukah and going to my grandmother's house for Passover.) Although I inherited my mom's Russian looks, my last name was an anglicized (and very WASPy) German one. As a child, I don't remember my background ever coming up among my friends, who were all either Irish Catholic or Chinese.
The first time I was "outed" as Jewish was in my pre-teens, when I was walking with my mom in front of a strip mall in northern New Jersey. I felt something brush against my leg and roll away: a penny. Turning to see from where it had come, I looked into the eyes of a kid a year or so older who muttered "cheap jew" under his breath. Utterly confused, I kept walking. Instead of being upset at this lame attempt at racism, I honestly didn't understand how it could be applied to me.
Years later, I have embraced my Jewish heritage, and have made peace with the fact that, although celebrating Christmas (in a very secular fashion) doesn't make me the most traditional Jew, it's part of my past and it's nobody's business but mine and G-D. Getting in touch with my "birth religion" has made me feel more at peace with myself and my identity. Sure, I sometimes feel awkward because the paucity of my exposure to Judaism makes it a struggle when following Hebrew or knowing the melodies to the songs. But then I realize that nobody is (or should be) focusing on what I'm doing wrong.
Good luck with the search for self-discovery, and for a mensch who likes curvy broads - they're out there. My cousin, who's a 22-year-old full-bodied woman and is shomer, was able to find and fall in love with a guy her age, and they're getting married this summer. If she could find a young guy who dug her body type and who would wait for physical intimacy, there's hope for everyone! :)
John
Rebecca, good story, there are many in the closet.
It is rather striking for me to hear of others who just "don't fit in" with the standard today Christian understanding, who sit in assemblies of idolatry of magic flesh and blood. Heaven forbid if you try to tell them there is no magical blood that takes their sin away, not in animals or a man, that it was supposed to be a spiritual / heavenly focus (we are to sacrifice ourselves to sins that become known).
Jesus to them is the godman who is saving the world from their past pagan understanding of gehenna, through god appeasement (not that Judaism today is exempt from some of this).
Jesus was a Tazdik, who believed that all men already had perfect spirits given by G-d regardless of who they were (male and females too), his sacrifice was a focus relationally. It is unfortunate it got turned into magical blood and flesh, new god vs. old G-d.
Anyway, I enjoyed your message. Some of us have lost almost everything, but G-d revives some at a very early age with a knowledge of their history that cannot be found yet.
Anonymous
Stereotypical Jewish looks
So now that we've established that such a thing exists, why do Jewish men prefer to marry out of their race. That's because they don't want their kids to look Jewish, so they marry these blonde women and try to convert them. Look at Judd Apaow and his blonde wife and the movie he made promoting Jewish-shiksa pairings.
John
IMO, to escape their captivity
Its the same old story with some.
They feel captive with who they are. Its a form of guilt transfer.
They don't want to pass it down from one generation to the next.
John
In other words.......
Hey, I am tired of me, the poke of the goad......so I will marry someone different (superficially), so I can get rid of who I am (through my children) while still trying to hold onto what I don't like.
Goad
I want to live and mend,
But then, forget my bit,
The thing that steers me,
To kill my wit,
Where is this contagious mettle?
Perhaps with master, and ‘goad’?
Like a dying animal,
Beat me, to cross, long road,
Doesn’t he see that I can’t?
It’s the hurt of the pain,
It will not listen, to what I say,
Stripes bear witness, of the strain,
The push and prod,
Left and right,
Back and fore,
From day start, to night,
I can’t wait for the day to end,
When it does, I regret it,
I fear the cross, of long road,
To be without, master and goad,
Be one with the world.
MxM
Jewish?
I don't want to take the whole thing down to a competition or a fuzzy algebric issue, but I'd like to tell how I run in the past into this kind of things. My grandmother was a daughter of a sephardic jew who passed away when my grandmother was in her childhood. As far as she remembered her mother she seemed not to be raised with any jewish principle, as charity orgs where she lived cared for partentless children raising her after christian principles. My mother grew up in a very catholic environment, and never paid any attention to her roots. Being raised myself in a quite neutral and more openminded environment, and as my curiosity leads I got a little bit into my maternal roots, and I tried to keep it consciuous into my everyday life.
Now the question is: as my j-percentage is even lower than 25%, never got into touch with any jewish environment, can I say I'm Jewish too?
By the way I appreciated very much the Rebecca's piece, it gave some question hints to my mind.......
Anonymous
If you are observant, the J-bomb is not forced. It is real.
"And I'm gonna have to go ahead and disagree about coyly inserting Shabbat, davening, and the rest of your J-Bomb fallout into conversations like it's nothing. It really sounds obnoxious. Is it possible to do it without making it sound forced?" - Jewcy Craig
It's not forced if you are really religiously observant.
Say you're at a party or bar. A guy starts talking to you. He asks you what you are doing Friday night. You say you are going to shul. In my case it is true. I ALWAYS go to shul EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT. This is "dropping the J-bomb". Again. If you really are observant, it is not forced.
Truth be told, 9 times out of 10 it happens by accident. That or sometimes I will insert a Hebrew word into teh conversation without thinking (I've spent a lot of time in Israel and speak Hebrew, so this is also not difficult). This happens whether I am talking to Jews or non-Jews. It is NOT forced.
I suppose if one is very assimilated and do not practice much of one's Judaism, it would be forced. In that case I would not know what to tell you. But if you are relatively observant (and I am NOT Orthodox or anything), it is not forced at all.
Now, if people can handle it then fine, you know how to proceed. If the person does not get what you are saying, you also know how to proceed (or not). And all without doing things like blatantly asking "Are you Jewish?" (as one guy I know, a former Chabadnik, does). Now THAT is obnoxious.
Anonymous
Clarification
"Say you're at a party or bar. A guy starts talking to you. He asks you what you are doing Friday night. You say you are going to shul. In my case it is true. I ALWAYS go to shul EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT. This is "dropping the J-bomb". Again. If you really are observant, it is not forced."
Let me add: "He asks you what you are doing Friday night. You say you are going to shul but would be happy to meet up with him afterwards."
RebeccaD
If I *were* observant--
--which I am not--wouldn't I NOT be allowed to meet up with someone after Friday night services? I mean, unless we walked to a candlelit tent bar and guzzled warm drinks? Or have my observant friends been lying to get out of plans with me?
Rebecca
p.s. Claiming to go to "shul" (sorry grew up in CA so feels weird to call it that) would not work for me, since I haven't been since my bat mitzvah weekend. It would be lying. And playing up my Jewiness might be worse than playing it down.
Anonymous
Judaism - Just Do It
If you were Orthodox, you would not be allowed to go to a restaurant after shul. But if you are observant but NOT Orthodox (i.e. a committed Reform or Conservative Jew), then you could. Moreover, there are kosher restaurants where you can make reservations for Shabbes and pay in advance, then go after shul. The waitors are all non-Jews. Somehow the place works it out Halachically. In fact, I was at such a dinner last Friday.
I am fairly observant but not Orthodox, so I go to shul (and everyone I know calls it shul - use of the word itself is already a big tipoff in casual conversation that I am Jewish) every Friday night but might, if I have no plans at someone's house of if other people from shul are doing so, go to a restaurant for dinner after shul. A Reform shul I know of on the Upper West Side appears to have a group that does this fairly regularly. A couple of friends and I do this informally at least once a month or so. Going to a nice restaurant after shul could easily be incorporated into a date and I have done this a couple of times myself.
The real issue here is NOT that people should pretend to be observant if they are'nt. What I'm saying here is that these problems don't really exist when people are more observant and connected to the Jewish community. If your life has little explicitly Jewish content to it, then you will almost have to go out of your way to inform people you are Jewish IF (and it's a big IF) you really want to only date and marry Jews. If this is not important to you, then you don't have to mention anything and there is no "problem".
Judaism is not just a religion or even a culture of what foods you eat, etc. It is a total lifestyle (at risk of making Judaism sould like some fitness fad). The reason for dating and marrying Jewish is to preserve this lifestyle. If one does not live this lifestyle and has no intention of living this lifestyle in the future, then one can date and marry non-Jews and assimilate with little drama except that which might be self imposed but which you might have an easier time adjusting to the loss of whatever last embers of Jewishness that might exist in one's daily life.
As I said earlier you ARE already 100% Halachically Jewish. You do not need to convert AT ALL. All you need to do (if you want to) is just get more involved with the Jewish community. Find a shul (temple, synagogue, "Church of the Anti-Semites", what have you) that you are comfortable with and go check it out one Friday night (or Saturday morning, but the services then are longer, etc.). Start to observe mitzvot of your choosing at a pce that is right for you (one can take an Intro to Judaism class at a JCC so you know which mitzviot are out there).
In the entire corpus of Judaism there is something for everyone of every proclivity. You just have to find your niche. Maybe a Reform shul where most of the service is in English and they play music and have a choir on Shabbes and Holidays will work for you. Or if not then maybe a lacadaisically Orthodox Sephardic shul might be more your speed. Or perhaps a hippie-inflected Conservadox indie minyan might suit you better. Or perhaps a wacked-out New Age-y Reconstructionist/Jewish Renewal type shul where they do yoga while davening might float your boat. The possibilities are endless. You basically need to go shul shopping. That's what I did and I was 100% NOT Jewish and knew NO Hebrew and very little about Judaism. I had even just come out of 12 years of Catholic school.
But when I wanted to explore Judaism, I looked up a shul in the yellow pages, found out when services were happening and just showed up one Friday night. And this was even an Orthodox shul where I had NO IDEA what was going on. I just did what everyone did, repeated "Shabbat Shalom" when people said it to me and listened carefully to what the Chazzan/Cantor said so that I left recognizing the "Baruch ata Adonai..." pattern after one service. Same thing in college - I just looked up Hillel and went to Friday night services and dinner. If I don't like one shul, I try the next one. I asked friends for recommendations. It can almost be like trying to find a good restaurant. Just do it - if you want to. If not, then no problem.
But of you do, be sure of yourself and confident that you are just as Jewish as everyone in the room. The Orthodox world in particular loves to go after people like you because then they can pull you into their kiruv ("bringing closer") organizations like MJE and Aish that are DESIGNED to take people who grew up assimilated and teach them Jewish practice - of an Orthodox variety of course. If you avoid the Orthodox world it will likely be a more do-it-yourself kiruv, but it will also likely be more comffortable to you to not sit behind a mechitza.
Now I realize that I might be using a lot of language that people might not be familiar with if they are not so actively involved in the Jewish community or are very secular. This is also part of the point. Using these words and working with these concepts come naturally when you are even partially observant. I could explain what is a mechitza or what are mitzvot but from my perspective, that would be kind of a pain in the ass. This pain in the ass factor in having to explain everything about things that to you are very comonplace are part of what makes it known to everyone who knows you that you are Jewish and acts as a litmus test that helps people select themselves into or out of your life.
Robin Margolis
Half-Jewish Network Welcomes Rebecca and Other "Halfs" Posting
Dear Rebecca:
As the Coordinator of the Half-Jewish Network, an international organization for adult children, grandchildren and other descendants of intermarriage, I was at once pleased and disturbed by your article, and the comments it received.
Many of us go through the same psychological struggles (Jewish? or not? how much Jewish? tell people? or not? dating? Jews? non-Jews?) in the same isolation that Rebecca describes.
My heart went out to you about not "looking Jewish" -- I have a Christian father and a Jewish mother, and look exactly like my dad's Scots/English/Dutch family -- many Jews do not perceive me as "one of them" unless I am very assertive about it -- and even then they tend to treat me as a sort of partial or inauthentic Jew.
I would invite you and all of the adult children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren of intermarriage posting on this thread to visit the website of the Half-Jewish Network at:
www.half-jewish.net
We have an active message board, and you would have a chance to share your experiences with other adult children and grandchildren of intermarriage from all over the globe.
One more thought -- I know you meant no harm, but I gently caution any adult child or grandchild of intermarriage from jokingly referring to themselves as having the "right" (i.e. matrilineal) "half" or "one-quarter" or "one-eighth" --
I have heard this joke before from some matrilineal children of intermarriage. They meant no harm at all, but they inadvertantly hurt many patrilineal Jews (children of Jewish fathers and grandfathers) -- by implying that their "half" or "quarter" is the "wrong" half -- unintentionally reminding them that their dearly loved Jewish fathers and grandfathers count for nothing in the eyes of some Jews.
All of us, matrilneals like you and I, and the patrilineals have many identical issues around acceptance/rejection in the Jewish community, "looking Jewish" or "not", and numerous other subjects, which we discuss on our message board.
If you visit our website, you would receive a very warm welcome.
Cordially,
Robin Margolis
www.half-jewish.net
David Strauss
Re: Judaism - Just Do It
"The waitors are all non-Jews. Somehow the place works it out Halachically."
How does this work for someone practicing? Isn't having someone else violate the rules of Shabbat a violation for the Jews involved, at least in spirit? Many of the miztvot seem to have two parts, one directly for Jews and one to have Jews push the mitzvot into the larger society.
For example:
506. Not to work him oppressively Lev. 25:43
507. Not to allow a non-Jew to work him oppressively Lev. 25:53
Anonymous
Check out The Tribe
Rebecca, I really enjoyed your piece. Both my parents are Jewish, but I play it down sometimes, too. When I'm not sure about someone. Your thoughts are so Jewish! Wrestling with issues....
Check out Tiffany Schlain's short film The Tribe (should be commentary from her on the Web, too). I think you will find it interesting.
Liz
AnonymousJ
good article
Nice article. I'm a southern Jew, always able to pass as a goy until I reveal my true identity.
I'm fortunate in that a wealthy uncle was able to fund my (and my siblings) private Jewish day school education. And my dad told me when I was around 13 that he would disown me if I married outside the faith. He was slightly exaggerating (my brother is in his late 30s, single, and they'd be happy no matter who he married at this point).
But that threat was good because I only pursued Jewish women. And I figured it would be a disservice to my grandma and the uncle if I married outside the faith.
Anonymous
good story
interesting read. i am a goy but really appreciate reading about the issue of identity within the jewish community. kinda like me; canadian/swiss/german; i never know which one to identify with.
keep up the good work.
eric
Lin
Thank you for sharing, really
I really relate to your story as I am also 25% Jewish by the definition you gave... but my maternal grandmother was Jewish and converted to Christianity to marry a successful man. My mother then converted back after I was born (also to try and marry another successful man.) Good friends can call me, "The Jew that the rabbis are always arguing about."
I grew up in a Jewish community that was very good to me as a community, I got an excellent free public education and got help from people when I really needed it. I do consider myself Jewish and experienced prejudice when I was moved out of our community into a town that could be described as Woody Allen's worst nightmare.
Sadly, I also experienced prejudice from a few people in synagogue starting from when I was a child. "Why is the little goy girl playing Esther in the Purim play?" This was said by two women who sat in front of my mother at the play and my mother just pulled me out of Hebrew school at age six, never to have me attend again. I was never Bat Mitzvah-ed, so some rabbis are probably still arguing about my "Jewishness."
People often assume that I am Irish (I have red hair) and therefore Christian, but I figure that religion is a fairly private matter. When someone says something anti-Semitic, I let them continue until they finally stop the monologue and look over at me and then I break it to them with a very straight face. All too often I have seen people wish they could just spontaneously combust. Good times.
RebeccaD
Thank You
I am touched by all the personal stories my own has elicited. Thanks so much for reading my piece so closely.
Rebecca
Anonymous
And I thought Judaism was a Religion
I guess I was wrong. I'm 5/8ths Irish coming from all different parts of the island, a tiny bit of German, some French, and a smidge of Scots. I currently reside in the US. My dad was raised Irish Catholic and my mom nothing. I was not baptized and was raised in a zero religion household. I have probably 5 different types of Christian sects in my families past. What does this have to do with me being 5/8ths Irish? Nothing.
Neither should the fact that you are Italian, with probably a combination or Germanic, Slavic, Arab, or Semitic ethnicities and practice Judaism.
anon 2
To anon: Judaism is a
To anon:
Judaism is a religion, but it also a culture, a people, etc. For religious purposes, you can't be anything other then Jewish or not Jewish. On the other hand, according to the historical laws of different nations (Israel, Germany,etc), being part Jewish has/had legal significance.
RebeccaD
Anonymous #1: All your five-eighths are Christian.
Judaism is a religion, yes, but as my pal "anon 2" explains, it's also much more. I am 1/4 Austrian Jew, 1/2 English/Irish Protestant, and 1/4 Sicilian Catholic. Despite the combined influence of my Catholic and Southern Baptist backgrounds, I still identify as a Jew, which is good, since I am one. But since I "practice" no religion, really, the cultures of all my religious backgrounds are what define them, to me. And culture is what creates the conflicts in-- and subsequently the basis of-- my identity.
Rebecca
annon 2
Jewish identity
Rebecca,
You say you "practice" no religion. If someone asks what religion are you, what do you say? Am I right that you say a Jew?
RebeccaD
Yes I do say I am a Jew.
But I eat pizza during Passover; and even, I'm embarrassed to say, on Yom Kippur.
Rebecca
Anonymous
Conversion
I imagine people convert to Judaism, but I don't know anything about it. I was raised Mormon of all things, but completely reject Christianity. I was struck by this post: It is rather striking for me to hear of others who just "don't fit in" with the standard today Christian understanding, who sit in assemblies of idolatry of magic flesh and blood. Heaven forbid if you try to tell them there is no magical blood that takes their sin away, not in animals or a man, that it was supposed to be a spiritual / heavenly focus (we are to sacrifice ourselves to sins that become known).
Jesus to them is the godman who is saving the world from their past pagan understanding of gehenna, through god appeasement (not that Judaism today is exempt from some of this).
Jesus was a Tazdik, who believed that all men already had perfect spirits given by G-d regardless of who they were (male and females too), his sacrifice was a focus relationally. It is unfortunate it got turned into magical blood and flesh, new god vs. old G-d.
I completely agree about the "magical blood and flesh," concept, and everything else in this post. It's all absurd to me.
So, if I were interested in attending Jewish services, could I do that?
Liz
play it down vs. beat it back
As a child of an interfaith marriage, I do sympathize with your Jewish identity issues. And I live in a city with a huge Jewish population, so I don't have to contend with anti-Semitism. But there is a difference between ethnic confusion and being ashamed of yourself. Do you have to go out of your way to tell everyone that you eat pizza on Passover and Yom Kippur and that you put pork in your red sauce? You have to work so hard to show that you're not observant by flipping the bird to the people who go us out of the ghetto to a place where we could have this dilemma? This is America, Joe Lieberman was almost VP. I hardly think having a Jewish grandmother counts as the J-bomb. So, assuming that ethnicity is an inescapable part of your DNA, get comfortable with who you are. If you don't want to practice Judaism, then don't, it's a personal decision. But don't allow yourself to harm practicing Jews out of your own insecurity by shrugging off anti-Semitism or contorting yourself to show how unlike us you are.
RebeccaD
Liz, I doubt my insecurity will "harm" any practicing Jews...
If anything, it will probably make those secure in their identities--you, for example--appear even more self-actualized, even righteous, to those around them. My insecurities throw other people's securities into glorious relief!
You should know that my self-deprecating comments are just that: SELF-deprecating. I appreciate and admire those living an observant life and I wish them--and you--only the best.
Rebecca
Anon 2
never too late to learn
Rebecca,
I haven't been following all the posts carefully. I saw someone welcoming you to a half Jewish page. But, I thoughtt you said your mother is Jewish. Do I have that right? That makes you 100% Jewish.
In any event, my advice is to learn more aout Judaism. I know plenty of people who used to eat on Yom Kippur, etc who are now very observant and very happy Jews. Reading your posts, it's clear you have a Jewish neshama. Remember, Rabbi Akiva did not start to learn until he was 40 and he beacame a great Jewish sage. Best of luck.
Naomi
thank you!
I'm one of the one's raised with the 'wrong' half. Here's an interesting quandry.
Raised, with the 'wrong half,' as a -- (prepares to duck) -- 'messianic jew' (christian), with the Jewish half of the family -- culturally jewish -- and raised with the identity of "we're jewish"
"We're Jewish." age 4, "Let's recite the havdalah"
"We're Jewish." age 8, "Naomi made the matzot herself."
"We're Jewish." age 18, "Now promise me you'll marry a jewish man."
"I'm Jewish" age 23 to my gentile husband.
Age 27 ,the bomb drops. "You're not Jewish."
"Huh?"
"You're not Jewish. Your mum wasn't Jewish. You claim a false messiah. You married a sheygets. You're not Jewish!"
"But..."
"Nope."
"But..."
"No."
"But, I --"
"Sorry! Not Jewish." then a smirk "But if Hitler were alive you'd be dead."
This from a jew who'd converted in within the last two years.
You've no idea how unbelievably painful it was to hear from other jewish people that your entire identity -- everything I've been raised with and raised to identify with -- is NOT 'me'.
Especially coming from someone less observant.
Especially coming from others who were children of Jewish women, who practised buddhism, but still got to 'be jewish,' while I get shafted.
Especially coming from a Lubavitcher, because I espouse JC while he espouses Schneerson. He gets to be and I don't because...?
I've come to peace with who I am, and who I am not; and I've come to disregard others' opinions on the matter. May you also have the same peace.
Naomi
naomipoe@juno.com
Michal
right vs. wrong half
I truly sympathize with those of you who are "wrong half / quarter" Jews, if that designation bothers you -- but Judaism isn't just a big tribe (which it is), it's also a law-based society. The Torah is essentially our lawbook, and the Talmud codified it and broke down what is and isn't acceptable when it comes to following those laws. That's what Judaism IS. Conservative Judaism and Reform Judaism have taken their own approaches to interpreting the laws and how to follow them, with the Reform movement throwing many of them out altogether. Fine. So if you're a Reform Jew, then the fact that you're considered a "wrong half" by the rest of Judaism shouldn't hurt you. After all, you also probably do all sorts of other "wrong" things and write it off as "well, I don't do that." So why is the value judgement that if you're not matrilinnearly (is that a word?) descended, you don't count according to the Torah, so painful? Chances are the food you ate for dinner the other night doesn't count either. You can argue forever that matrilinear descent is polarizing, or that the ban on eating shrimp is archaic, or that not wearing linen mixed with wool is ridiculous, or that fasting on Yom Kippur is not relevant to your life. Many have, many will. But according to the literal Torah - which many Jews do still follow - not following the rules is wrong. You can't have it both ways. Either it's wrong, or it isn't. If the line of Judaism you are choosing to follow says what you're doing is still Judaism, then you're in the clear. But you should at least understand that that doesn't mean that all Jewish authorites agree that it is. Some of halacha is downright repugnant to many people. And as a result many Jews choose not to follow it, either for dogmatic religious reasons (following the latest official praxis), or out of a personal decision. But halacha is still the framework upon which all of Judaism originally rests. Someone who is not a "right quarter" Jew won't be allowed to marry an Orthodox Jew without a ritual conversion ceremony. Them's the rules. And they also won't be allowed to keep eating at McDonalds, or answering the phone on Friday night, or any of the other "wrongs." It's accepting the rulebook of the people you're with. If you don't want to accept all of it, don't, but why be offended by how it affects you? It doesn't. You've chosen your people. Let the others go.
This is especially true as far as the "cultural" Jews go, who don't keep any of the mitzvot, or barely any, but want to insist that they're still Jewish because of their bloodline. That idea, that you can be Jewish without you know, being Jewish, was purely derived in the 20th century -- by the Third Reich. Up until then, considering Judaism as a heritage wasn't the same as considering it still to be a part of who you were. People left Judaism behind, converted, let it go. Their kids often grew up not even knowing about their ancestry. Only Hitler came in and said "guess what? I don't care if you're assimilated, you still count." It's awesome that being Jewish no longer has the stigma it had for centuries, and suddenly people want to belong despite not buying into the religious aspects. But that doesn't mean that the religious aspects don't matter. Judaism isn't just a race/tribe. Being descended on the "right" side doesn't mean you automatically belong - if you or your mother were baptized, for example, you're a Christian. Otherwise why did countless thousands of Jews choose death by the Inquisition / Catherine the Great / etc. over simple conversion? All because of a ritual few drops of water, suddenly they don't count? A few drops more water in the mikvah and they can be back in. It's purely a rule-based thing. No more life-changing or meaningful than saying the right words before you eat a piece of bread (not to mention washing your hands - more water!). And also no less.
I'm sorry. I know this is offensive to some people, especially to the people behind "half-Jewish.com." I know that if the only thing about a person that's Jewish is their identity, then having that challenged by the mother group ;) is very threatening -- especially when we now know we live in a world where someone could slit your throat for belonging to the same group that doesn't count you as a member. But that's the fault of the ignorance of the racists who are lumping people by bloodlines, who don't care about the Jewish definition of Jewishness - it's not the fault of the religion for having very specific guidelines for acceptance for thousands of years. If you want to marry someone more traditionally observant, then ritually converting back in is not a big deal (assuming you're already circumcized - yikes). Why is it necessary if someone's been raised Jewish? Because if they weren't converted and they don't line up, they weren't raised Jewish according to tradition. If that's you, then blame your parents if you need to point fingers. But it shouldn't be hurtful to you if you don't "count." Because you do - the Reform movement welcomes you the way you are. But they also acknowledge that it was a choice that they made, to stop losing Jews to assimilation. That a culturally affiliated Jew who shows up to Temple is better than one who doesn't. Never go to Temple? Then why care if someone thinks you don't belong there? I think the heart of it is the case that DiLiberto makes in the essay -- if someone is rounding us up, do we have to go? It's a false premise, though. Next year's anti-Semite could throw us in an oven for 1/8 of a drop of blood. Or throw in everyone with a last name on the Wikipedia "Jewish Surnames" entry (yeah, there is one. sigh.) And Jews don't self-select that way.
The moniker "the chosen people" means that we were chosen to receive the Torah. Some scholars have also said it meant "the people who chose" to accept it. But it had nothing to do with genetics.
I'm sorry if I offended anyone. I'm trying to be as inclusive as possible, and still respect the religion I love. It deserves at least that.