My conversion ceremony took place on St. Valentine's Day. Appropriate, I know. My final farewell to Catholicism and helloooo Judaism. I wonder if I can find that on a candy heart.

I had about 5 cups of coffee and no breakfast before jumping on the 405 and heading to the University of Judaism in the valley for my appointment. I got a tour of the mikvah with the director... smelly candles, flowers, dark blue tile. It felt like a spa. She explained how it worked, about the "Mayim Chayim" and the sensations I would probably feel inside. Then the rabbis arrived. First mine and his wife, a cantor. Then three elderly sages of rabbis. One had two hearing aids and a walker... they all seemed happy just to be hanging out with other people. We (slowly) made our way to a board room of sorts and I sat down in front of all four of them. The oldest one, an Auschwitz survivor and my toughest interrogator, would periodically close his eyes and rest his forehead on his spotted fingertips. I'm not sure if he was sleeping or had simply gotten to a place in his life where he could decide when he wanted to tune in or tune out.

As I said, he was my toughest interrogator. He asked me at one point, "Someday, when your children ask you about your conversion and why you did it, what will you tell them?" I hadn't thought about that. Maybe because I can't imagine having kids right this minute. Maybe because I'm scared of why they would ask me a question like that. Maybe I'm a little on edge and defensive when anyone asks me that. "I didn't do it FOR my husband. I did it because I wanted to. I thought about it A LOT. I did a lot of SOUL SEARCHING." I looked at the rabbi and told him I wasn't sure, but that I would probably tell them I did it, in part, for them. That might sound fucked up to some... why wouldn't I want my kids to just be like the Catholic kid I was? It might be easier. To tell the truth, though, there's little richness in that. For me.  I want my kids to share this new richness and culture and tradition with my husband - to - be and me. I want that so bad I felt like my non-existent kids were there with me at my conversion. So maybe I didn't just do it for me... I did it for my family to come. I don't feel bad admitting that.

Then I read a statement (like a swearing-in at a citizenship ceremony) and they all stood up and shook my hand.

"Welcome to the Jewish people."

I'll expound on the mikvah and the naked thing next time around...

Shalom.