Tools for Intermarriage (no, not a brainwashing kit)

I personally don't see anything wrong with encouraging a non-Jewish partner to at least consider conversion.  In fact, that's what I would do if one of my (yet unborn) kids became engaged to a non-Jew.  However, I would do so in a low-key, warm, way;  I'm no Jewish Destrudo with his "traitors!  traitors! hang 'em!" approach.  I would invite my kid and partner to celebrate Shabbat or a Seder with us at home--that sort of thing.

But if, in the end, the partner elected not to become Jewish, while it's not what I would've preferred, I would recognize that my kid is, in fact, not a "kid" but an adult and at least be happy that my kid found someone to share life with.  I would not accuse my kid of "stabbing the Jewish people in the back," or sit shiva or any of that nineteenth-century bullshit.  All I would ask is that the ceremony not be conducted in a non-Jewish house of worship, nor by non-Jewish clergy;  as a committed Jew that would make me sad.  But again, it would be my kid's choice, and there's nothing I, my rabbi, or Jewish Destrudo can do to stop adult individuals from governing their own lives.

Michael,

When I refer to "encouraging conversion" I don't mean by a Jewish partner. Lord knows I'd love for my husband to convert! Every couple is different and I'd never try to personally advise on someone's marriage like that.

What I'm opposed to is Jewish institutional "encouragement". Initiatives meant to suggest that an intermarried home should undergo a formal conversion. It's a complicated issue (and outside halacha) but the end result tends to push away involved non-Jewish parents who are supporting the creation of a Jewish home. For instance--Hillels who "encourage conversion" by college-age children of intermarraige. People who've grown up thinking of themselves as Jews, and are suddenly told they aren't Jews, and should take a dip.

Can you give me some examples? I know the North American Hillel world well, having volunteered in several chapters both as a student and as staff, and I've never seen anyone hunting for children of intermarriages so they can steer them towards conversion. Unless perhaps you're talking abou a Hillel chapter refusing privileges, such as running for student executive positions, being counted in a minyan, or layning megillah, because of disputed Jewish status. Otherwise, as an organization which receives funding from university student councils (and as far as I know Hillel chapters generally do), Hillel welcomes anyone to its programs and doesn't demand proof of status at the door.

Michael,

This is one area where I want to keep my nose clean. I'm happy to talk about this with you privately, but I don't think Jewcy is the place for me to take issue with a specific director who's not breaking any rules... simply doing what they believe in. One of the things about Hillel is that it does vary dramatically from campus to campus.

But I'll say that the last few years have shown a change toward interfaith families, in many many facets of Jewish life. And there are some Hillels seeking out interfaith kids to make them welcome, and some who feel strongly that we can only truly "welcome" them by telling them they should convert. It's all very subtle. And some who just aren't invested in this issue in a programmatic way yet.

It's also true that most of this doesn't trickle down in practice. It's more in the planning/initiative/leadership stages right now. It's what people argue about on conference calls. And it's very heated.

i agree with Michael. i think people should be encouraged to convert, but not in a way that makes it sound as though they are being pressured to do so. pushing conversion simply for demographic reasons or to appease uncomfortable Jewish in-laws is not going to attract potential Jews-By-Choice, especially when non-Jewish partners haven't exactly been made to feel welcome in the first place. i don't think it's fair for someone to have to go through the long and overwhelming conversion process when they've already been made to feel like an outsider to begin with.

i'd be very happy if my partner ever decided to convert. but i'm not going to force it upon him. he has a choice in the matter. regardless of whatever that decision may be, at least i know that if we ever have children they'll be Jewish since they'll be coming from me.