What, no fava beans?: How foie gras gets madeMy friend Max Gross sent an email Tuesday asking for the best Onion headline to describe the pope's stance against foie gras and other assorted not-so-lean cuisines derived from animal cruelty. Jewcy participants included your humble servant (winner by a kinkified hair), Joe Braude and Jesse Cook-Dubin. Here were the results:

Noah Phillips gets the award for most hyper-intellectually cute headline with "Habemus Pate." Of course, to understand this headline one would have to be acquainted with Habemus Papum, which -- despite the fact that there are around 58 million American Catholics -- strikes me as a little obscure. (It's the equivalent of the pope's inauguration for anyone scratching their head.) Also, this one loses out on first place because it's not really an Onion headline; it's more of a New Republic head. The Onion is more newsy (and thus absurdly funny) in its headlines.

Joe Braude comes closer to The Onion style with his, "Father Joe to Mother Goose: Audeamus"... which is runner up for a hyper-intellectual cute headline. However, I have to admit, I had no idea what Audeamus meant. Joe tells me it means, "Let us dare"... it works, but if you have to get on wikipedia to figure out a headline, it's too highbrow. But the "Father Joe to Mother Goose" is great -- that gets him honorable mention.

Jesse Cook-Dubin gets the prize for most hysterical headline: "Pope says geese are responsible for all the wars in the world!" As a writer for the NY Post, I really appreciate this one. And this one might have won if we were talking about Mel Gibson. But, alas, it misses the mark for this particular story. (Another part of why it misses the mark is because the pope is, in this story, on the side of the geese.) And even though I don't doubt that Pope Benedict is a vicious antisemite, it's a stretch to link his Hitler Youth past and the recent Mel Gibson comments. Granted, it's okay to stretch with a hystrical headline. Excellent job, Mr. Cook-Dubin.

Lisa Keys gets a shout out for reusing the always funny "better than 'Cats'" line with, "Pope Loves Animals -- even better than 'Cats'."

The award for headline which most personalized the story most goes to our friend Daniel Treiman. Daniel came up with "Gross to Pope: Keep your Rosaries out of my Eateries". Kudos to you, Daniel. It made me laugh out loud. Of course, if this were to become an Onion headline we would replace "Gross" with "Boulud". But this headline is fabulous.

However, the one that stopped me in my tracks is Mike Weiss with his, "Goose-Stepping Pontiff Opposes Goose Liver Pate". It wins first place for numerous reasons. First off, it is in The Onion style -- which is straight news. Secondly, it captures the whole story, which any good headline does. Thirdly, it cuts to the essential truth about our one and only Hitler Youth pope. And finally it sums up the absurdity of a pope worrying about such a stupid issue. Basically, this covers all the bases. Congratulations to you, Mr. Weiss. You have won a serving of foie gras at our next outing.

Thanks for all who participated.

MPG

No thanks. I sympathize more with Hannibal Lecter munching on the "free-range rude."