A Realist Among Dreamers Is Exactly What We Need

From: Wendy Shanker

To: Courtney E. Martin; Tedra Osell

I’m fascinated by Courtney and Tedra’s POVs. How delightful it is to debate and think and posit without being right or wrong! For months now we’ve been watching these presidential debates and just tagging them as win/lose, or playing a highlight reel as if it was a football game. “And a Hail Mary from Obama!” Guess Obama is a Giant in more ways than one right now.

A few Saturday nights ago, I stumbled in from a party. I didn’t stumble because I was inebriated, but because I wore high heels that were killing me all night. (That’s another issue for another day: “The pain we are somehow willing to undertake to fluff up our image of femininity…”)

Okay, so I stumble in, I plant myself on the couch, and turn on the TiVo, which has recorded “Saturday Night Live.” Oh, right! I’d watched it on February 23rd, when it somehow managed to stir up a discussion about how Hillary had been mistreated by the media. Then Huckabee showed up to make some gags, Tina Fey was hilarious as usual, and the show went on. While I was watching, I thought: “Why is HUCKABEE on this show? Shouldn’t it be Hillary making the cameo? This is the perfect opportunity to be funny…” Yet again, a disappointing disconnect.

Cut to the show that aired the following Saturday, with Ellen Page hosting (a totalTina got it right: Time to put a bitch in charge kibosh, but whatever). The show starts with another debate, and the joke again is that the press loves Obama and hates Hillary. The sketch so long and boring that I think it was more fun to wear those high heels. Then a shock – Hillary on screen, looking absolutely radiant, I might add. Whatever her survival secret is, bottle it up and send it my way, because I wore nice shoes for three hours and wanted to give in.

Hillary proceeds to do a long jokeless monologue, and then has an awkward conversation with Amy Poehler who plays her on the show. Giuliani showed up to be self-deprecating, which made the opening sketch seem Pulitzer-worthy. Obama did his due diligence on the show last November. Hillary worked Letterman and she’s parried with Jon Stewart (“You’re right, Jon, this is pathetic.”). This is what politicians do, now. Sketches. Boy, Bill Clinton blows a saxophone on “Arsenio” and the whole campaign system goes nuts.

But there’s Hill on “SNL,” not being funny, and not even making fun of the fact that she’s not funny. That would be funny! And of course, “Saturday Night Live” is so old and dusty that John McCain probably watched it as a kid. Hardly where you go for cutting-edge comedy, but then again, there are very few public venues.

Maybe it was just the endorphins talking, but as I watched the show tick by, I imagined what Hillary might say:

“Hi, everyone, I’m Hillary Clinton. It’s been established that I have no sense of humor, so if you’re looking for laughs you better change the channel.

“I’m not funny. I’m not fresh. I’m not going down in history as a brilliant public speaker. But I will make as history as the first female president of this nation.

“As the great citizen Shania Twain once said, ‘I’m a bitch. I’m a lover, I’m a child, I’m a mother. I’m a sinner, I’m a saint. I do not feel ashamed.’ What I am – and what Obama could never be – is a major, full-time, badass bitch. Congratulations. You’ve found me out. I’ve lost it. Screw all my expensive advisers; we’re officially in Howard Dean territory.

“It is essential to have a bitch in office in 2008. When we’re negotiating with the Iraqis, who do you want in that room: a good guy or an unrelenting, insistent bitch? When the Senate is debating a bill, who do you want signing it – a dreamer or a doer? You may not like me, but you can bet your ass that I’m going to get the job done, even if I have to harangue a mufti to do it.

“I’m not the only one. Condi’s a bitch. Nancy Pelosi? Super bitch. Michelle Obama certainly belongs to the club. Ruth Bader Ginsburg may come off like a lovely lady, but let me tell you, there’s no way a woman can look Clarence Thomas in the eye every day without turning into a hard-core, mega bee-yatch.

“I’m sure that some of you don’t like that word. It’s rude, it’s inappropriate, and its connotations are generally negative. I really don’t give a damn. Because I have nothing left to lose but this election, and frankly, that’s not going to happen.”

As a bitch myself, I endorse that message fully.

The question that people keep asking me is: “If Obama is here, offering hope and idealism, how can you afford to turn it down?” Hillary keeps crushing idealism. She can’t stop. So I understand why Courtney and other peers can’t understand why Obama’s message isn’t motivating to me.

I think he’s offering us a wonderful fantasy. But we’ve been living in a fantasy for the past eight years, about patriotism and the economy and the heckuva-job-Brownie safety for our citizens. I know Obama’s dream is different. But I’m over the fantasy, hope and dreams. What I want in office right now is a realist, and that’s why I still want our First Lady to be our first lady.