JDater of the Week

God, this column torments me! On the one hand, I’m currently listening to podcasts of the world’s best break-up songs on Minnesota Public Radio, which is making my heart feel all melty towards those in the love-finding trenches. On the other hand, there is a guy on JDate who goes by the handle SuckItUp33, which is so gross and hostile that I can’t NOT make fun of him.

On the other other hand, SuckItUp sounds exactly like the kind of guy I would have made out with back when I was a pretentious 23-year-old with a limited alcohol tolerance:

I'm sarcastic, I can be obnoxious, and the word arrogant has been thrown around before also...but I am also loyal, intelligent, classy, motivated, dedicated, educated, even-keeled, well-written...and dashingly handsome… I think its hot when girls get drunk and stick their tongues out and I really like girls who use words like "capricious", "salacious", and "pedantic".

Listen, I don’t mean to be pedantic, but that tongue thing is unfortunately salacious, and even if you sign up for JDate as a total caprice, the least you can do is proofread your profile (that “its” takes an apostrophe – it’s a contraction, not a possessive.)

SuckItUp definitely comes in second, but before I reveal my absolutely favorite JDater girl so far, a pair of third-placers:

• Loveme823, poor thing. I hope she thought long and hard about that name. If it’s “Love, Me” as in “Dear Boyfriend, had to run but have a great day, Love, Me” written on a post-it on the pillow, then it’s cute. As a naked plea for affection, though: Oy.
• Ffffffflorida, whose profile reads like his mom literally forced him to sign up. He says he “would love to meet a jewish girl.. and have little jew bagel babies,” his perfect first date involves “complete aquardness and very uncomfortable,” and he’s looking for “a jewish princess, so my rents tell me...”

Nobody, though, is as awesomely honest as ChalahBack. She enjoys the Scottsdale nightlife, she considers bad sex a dealbreaker, and she’s looking for someone who “butters my Muffin upon request.” ChalahBack, we at Jewcy all wish you a future full of happy muffin-buttering.