Rudy's Oral Fixation

It seems that former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani can’t go five seconds without invoking 9/11, but his defeat in the Iowa primaries brought a new low: “None of this worries me—Sept. 11, there were times I was worried,” Giuliani said.

You would think that America’s Mayor® is taking advantage of 3,000 American dead, but after spending a full (imaginary but revealing) 24 hours with the Republican candidate, it turns out that he is just really, really obsessed…

After chopping onions for dinner: “None of this worries me—Sept. 11, there were times I cried.”

After popping Tums for acid reflux: “None of this worries me—Sept. 11, there were times my heart ached”

After getting a paper cut from reading the New York Post: “None of this worries me—Sept. 11, there were times when I couldn’t fathom the bloodshed.”

After promising to hit the gym and then watching TV instead: “None of this worries me—Sept. 11, there were times I wanted to run… or at least walk briskly for double the time.”

After trimming his pubes and nicking his skin: “None of this worries me—Sept. 11, there was a close shave.”

After slipping under the covers at bedtime and mistaking a bedpost’s shadow for the boogeyman: “None of this worries me—Sept. 11, there were times I was scared of dark people.”

After experiencing erectile dysfunction while attempting to seduce his third wife: “None of this worries me—Sept. 11, there was some seriously explosive penetration.”

After Facebook went down for routine maintenance: “None of this worries me—Sept. 11, there were times I wanted to update my profile… and Christ, did that ever work.”