Sex & Love

FFJD: A NJB (Nice Jewish Boy) For This NJG (Nice Jewish Girl)

From a FFJD reader: “I’m a virgin. I realize that when or if I meet nice Jewish boys this will probably be a problem.” Read More

By / March 7, 2011
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At FFJD HQ, in our large new office spaces – lots of cubicles for our one writer, extra arsenal of butter spray, and shiny new staplers (aka me literally sitting in my bed drinking iced coffee) – we love to answer readers’ advice questions. Here is an FFJDer who has an interesting, but not unique conundrum.

Dear FFJD,

For various reasons, I’ve made it to my mid-20s with great inter-personal skills but very little dating experience (mostly because I wasn’t allowed to date until I got to college and I’ve been focused on school). So it probably goes without saying that I also don’t have much practice. I’m a virgin. I realize that when or if I meet nice Jewish boys this will probably be a problem. When it becomes an issue, I’m willing to have that conversation explaining my lack of experience/experimentation.

How understanding are NJBs of this sort of dilemma? And how many NJGs like myself do you know in this dilemma?  Should I just throw in the towel and get some cats?

- an NJG in need

NJG: I am not a guy, so I can’t speak on behalf of all men. Which is why I contacted some dudes.

Before we get to them, I’ll say this – I have had friends in similar virginal boats, and the bottom line is this: if a guy really likes you and cares about you, it’s just not a big deal. Yes, we all sort of blow up the epic losing of a v-card moment as something that should include John Cusack standing outside your window with a boombox (or an iPad). But the truth is, it’s only a big deal if you make it one.

That being said, I have a panel of FFJD boys who have kindly weighed in on this issue.

Boy 1: My advice first and foremost, for the love of sex (literally) don’t get some cats. You’re a virgin – so what?  In the grand scheme of things it’s not all that awful, and relatively inconsequential.

Being a virgin isn’t the same thing as staying a virgin. This seems to be a point the virgin misses when she says “I realize that when or if I meet nice Jewish boys this will probably be a problem” A nice guy, a guy worth having sex with, really won’t care. That’s the honest truth. I wouldn’t give two shits if I really liked the girl, in fact, knowing she’s a virgin would probably make me all the more sensitive and respectful of pace.

But note, pace does not equate to tortoise-like speed. The virgin needs to not just be weary of her insecurities, but be able to conquer them. Moving at a slower pace is not the same thing as moving at a comfortable pace – don’t go rushing or slothing into a meaningful relationship, either one will damage an otherwise perfectly good thing.

Boy 2: I think this girl is suffering, sadly, from putting sex on a pedestal. Younger people are less aware and less worried about the consequences of tearing off each-others’ clothes for the sake of lurid, mutual satisfaction. Normally, the more sex we have, the more comfortable about our bodies we become and tend to deal with our insecurities better. That said, 23 is not that particularly old and this girl has plenty of time to get into some of the action.

Suggesting that she throw in the towel is ridiculous. Americans, on average, aren’t all that sexually experienced – the average woman has had about three partners whereas men have slightly more (4-5), and I reckon she has plenty of time to catch up.

Joking aside, NJG needs to realize that while sex is reallllly fucking awesome, a lot of time people blow it way out of proportion. Find a nice jewish boy, go on some dates, and if you click go for it.

Some guys will be freaked out, some will be turned on, and some will feel honored that they can be the guy that can show you the ropes. If the guy is respectful and if there’s mutual lust, the sex will come on its own terms. Putting sex on a pedestal never helps and if attachment is truly an issue, seeing a therapist to understand why would probably be a great idea.

Boy 3: Much like bacon, shellfish, and bacon-wrapped shellfish, sex is something you should look forward to and not fear. But I understand that this is easier said than felt.

We all come into relationships with baggage.  Men and women.  Eating disorders, sexual inexperience, self-esteem issues, superfluous third nipples…

The point is, no one is perfect.  We all have our issues.  And your issue, just like any of the aforementioned, would be inappropriate to bring up right away.  Let your personality be the main attraction, just as it would be if you weren’t a virgin.

After a few dates, once things start progressing physically, bring it up casually. Explain that you’re not opposed to it but for xyz reasons, it never happened. To be honest, this will unavoidably scare some men. Personally, at 26 years old, the prospect of sleeping with a virgin would give me pause, and I think it’s important for you to know why. It has nothing to do with concerns of skill or talent but instead more about what kind of expectations will be placed upon me. Everyone remembers their first and the inherent pressures placed on that partner. It is only natural for a man to worry about what type of relationship expectations will be placed on him aftwards.

While this may not be the most PC advice of all-time, remember, you’re under no obligation to divulge your sexual history (explicit or virginal) to any man, ever. I’ve had girlfriends begin to tell me their “number” or sexual history and I’ve cut them off mid-sentence. I said to them, “I don’t care what you’ve done before me. All I care about is what we do together from here on out.”

Now my guess is that this more often than not saved girls from telling me their slutty pasts, but the point remains. If you’re looking for a man to knowingly and patiently walk you down the path of mature sexuality, this is not the way to go.

Even though I think the above route is certainly the path of least resistance, I don’t think it’s the best option for you. Take things slowly, after a couple dates (and a couple glasses of wine. between passionate kisses, tell him.  Don’t make a big deal out of it. Expect some shock. Tell him to relax, and together, you guys will see where things go.

Thank you the reader who submitted this question, and my arsenal of three brilliant boys with poignant answers! Best of luck, NJG. From my male panel and myself.

______

Email meredith@theffjd.com

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