Sex & Love

The Jewcy Guide To: Breaking Up

Welcome to the Jewcy Guide to Breaking Up, where you'll be ushered through a universally difficult experience. Not sure how to handle the end of your relationship in a world of email, IM, and blogs? Looking for the right book … Read More

By / July 22, 2008

Welcome to the Jewcy Guide to Breaking Up, where you'll be ushered through a universally difficult experience. Not sure how to handle the end of your relationship in a world of email, IM, and blogs? Looking for the right book to help you understand what went wrong? Desperately seeking a cure for those psychosomatic symptoms? We've got you covered, and we even included a soundtrack for your misery. But before we go any further, are you sure it's the end? Before you pull the plug, here are a few questions to consider:

  1. Have you calmly discussed the issues?
  2. Do you ultimately have the same goals and desires for your relationship, the same idea of what "happily ever after" means?
  3. Can you still laugh together?
  4. Can you still really kiss each other?
  5. Do you lust after your significant other (SO)?

If you answer YES to two or more of these questions, there could still be hope. On the other hand:

  1. Do you look forward to time away from your partner?
  2. Do you crave attention from attractive others?
  3. Are you already cheating, or even just regularly fantasizing about it?
  4. Do you find yourself obsessing over what's wrong with, or what drives you crazy about, your mate?

If your answer is YES to any of those questions, you have most likely arrived at the intersection of Taking Off and Moving On. Pissed But Poised: Breaking Up with Grace Whether you've been cheated on, let down, stood up, or have just grown bored with your SO, it's empowering to take the high road in a breakup. Can you do it? Planning ahead and using these steps can help you stay in control and get the job done as quickly and painlessly as possible.

  • A (Wo)Man, A Plan, A Breakup: Know what you're going to say, and consider how your SO will respond, so that you'll be able to stay cool, calm, and collected.
  • Hide or Seek: Assuming you've been together for more than a few months, stifle the desire to use the phone or email, and meet face to face in a place where you can have a private, respectful conversation.
  • Focus on the Positive: Come prepared with reasons why you'll both be better off apart.
  • The Stuff of Dreams: The dream may be over, but the stuff remains–if you're living together, give some thought to how you want to handle the lease, the move, and the shared belongings before you initiate the break up.
  • Friendly Endings: Ideally, you'll be able to call each other friends someday. If you're reading this guide however, you're probably not there yet. So: No meals, no calls, no chatting online, no text messaging, and definitely no drinks for at least a month.
  • One More Note on Friends: Try your damndest to avoid acting on the desire you felt for his or her buddy until you've got some distance and perspective.
  • Choose a Buddy: Designate a friend to call when you have good news, bad news, or just plain need to talk.
  • Remember: Strong emotions can boost adrenaline and hormones, so keep your pants on. If you don’t, and wind up having the best sex of your life, remember that a great roll in the hay doesn’t necessarily mean you should be sharing a barn.

Cutting the Cord: Break Up 2.0

  • It's Over, Sign Off (or At Least, Be Invisible): Who hasn't sat and stared at their Buddy List, trying desperately to diagnose the emotional status of their significant other based on their idle times and away messages? If you can't control yourself (or vice versa), remove your ex from your buddy list or block them altogether. You might also want to set yourself to invisible or stealth mode.
  • Stop Refreshing: Also, stop emailing. If it gets really bad, assign a filter so that emails from your ex head straight to spam or trash.
  • Social Networking: Set relationship status to "single" on all your social networking accounts. Duh.
  • Say What?: Things didn't end so well? Consider deleting their comments or testimonials from your social networking profiles.
  • To Blog or Not to Blog: If your ex is misbehaving, simply ban their IP addresses from commenting on your blog.

Music Therapy: Breakup Guide to iTunes Here's a list of tunes that will feed your need to mope and moan, but won’t keep you crying at home. Add to the list in comments, or better yet, keep yourself occupied by making your own mix online at Mixwit.

Since You’ve Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson She Fuckin Hates Me – Puddle of Mud You're So Vain – Carly Simon Evil Woman – ELO Tainted Love – Soft Cell Ramble On — Led Zeppelin Don't Think Twice, It's Alright — Bob Dylan You're Breaking My Heart — Harry Nillson I Will Survive – Gloria Gaynor Ooh Ooh Child – Beth Orton Train in Vain – The Clash 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover – Paul Simon You Oughta Know – Alanis Morissette Cry Me a River – Justin Timberlake Ain’t It Funny – J Lo I Want to Break Free – Queen Survivor – Destiny’s Child Paint It Black – The Rolling Stones Hit The Road Jack – Ray Charles I’m Looking Through You – The Beatles These Boots Are Made For Walking – Nancy Sinatra Song For The Dumped – Ben Folds Five

 

Books to Guide You Through the Process: Wise words to get you started on the road to recovery.

How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days: A Day-by-Day Guide to Saying Good-bye and Getting On With Your Life By Howard Bronson Recovering Lovaholics, this book will help you take it one day at a time. Authors Bronson and Mike Riley provide a guide that is sure to take you from the shocking pain of loss onto a road of comfort and resolve, ending finally at a place where you are ready for new love. This book also encourages you to look inward for answers.

It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy By Greg Behrendt From the author who brought us He's Just Not That into You, this book brings humor and understanding to your depression. Collaborating with his wife, Behrendt talks you through the different stages of a break up, offering personal stories and life experiences to illustrate their point. This paperback is more useful for the dumped; those of us who are the heartbreaker won't find much comfort in Behrendt's words.

You can also download the short version on your iPod.

Don't Call That Man!: A Survival Guide to Letting Go By Rhonda Findling Rhonda Findling, a psychotherapist with a private practice in New York, explores the often irresistible urge to cling to our partners after the initial break up. In her book, she offers guidance on resisting the temptation to call, email, or semi-stalk an ex, and how containing our feelings will in fact better ourselves today and for future relationships.

The Pocket Idiot's Guide to Breaking Up by Dr. Laurie A. Helgoe Don't write it off just because it's an "Idiot's Guide": Helgoe offers good tips on how to avoid bad break up behaviors. Unlike a lot of other books, this guide offers advice for those who are actually initiating the break up, as well.

Letting Go: A 12-Week Personal Action Program to Overcome a Broken Heart by Dr. Zev Wanderer

This book promises to help you discover how to: "Short-circuit acute symptoms of grief and depression; Turn hurt into healthy anger; Fall out of love; Rebuild your self-esteem; and Break the "sex hook" to your ex" with a step-by-step, week-by-week program.

   
   

Dealing with the Physical Symptoms: Natural Remedies for Common Breakup Pains

Insomnia

  • Warm Milk: An oldie but goodie
  • Herbal Tea: Chamomile is most effective, or try a blend like Tension Tamer or Bedtime Tea
  • Regular Daily Exercise: Exercise will not only help you sleep that night but will also help with anxiety, depression, and self image
  • Lavender: Rub some on your neck and chest or try spraying lavender linen mist on your sheets
  • Herbs: A variety of herbs and plants can help reduce stress and anxiety, and they help to fall asleep faster and deeper. Try Good Night Rx which contains Kava, or Valerian.
  • Wine: One glass of wine in tough times might be just the trick put you out, just make sure it doesn’t lead to a bottle.

Depression

  • Tea: Many different kinds of tea can help with depression, so find a flavor that works for you. Try Licorice, Lavender, or Rosemary.
  • More Exercise: Getting your heart rate up will help you feel better both inside and out. Try a fun dance class like Yoga Booty Ballet.
  • Take Action: Focusing on specific task, such as cleaning your place, will take your mind off the break up. When you're finished, you'll feel accomplished and life will be a bit more organized.
  • Herbs and Vitamins: St Johns Wart, Vitamin B, Anti-Oxidants
  • Aromatherapy: Scents like Jasmine, Rose, and Grapefruit can help to lift the spirits.

Anxiety

  • Yoga and Meditation: Both will help you learn to slow down, clear your mind, and manage your anxiety.
  • Ashwagandha (Indian Ginsing, Winter Cherry): Taken in Capsule or tea form this root has calming effects.
  • Massage: A nice rubdown will help with tension and stress. Spend the rest of the day at the spa sweating out the bad with a steam or sauna, and soaking up the good in a hot tub.

Upset Stomach

  • Nausea: Ginger, Lemongrass, and Mint Teas are helpful, as are Crackers, Ginger Ale, or Lemon Lime Soda
  • Water: Keeping the body hydrated will help with digestion and cramps.
  • Cinnamon: Helps moves food through the digestive tract.

Time Flies Like an Arrow, Fruit Flies Like a Banana: But it Helps to Stay Busy Keep yourself occupied with healthy people and activities, and take the opportunity to do the stuff you haven’t had time to because you’ve been in a relationship. Use this calendar to help you get started.