Sex & Love

JDater of the Week

God, this column torments me! On the one hand, I’m currently listening to podcasts of the world’s best break-up songs on Minnesota Public Radio, which is making my heart feel all melty towards those in the love-finding trenches. On the … Read More

By / February 19, 2008

God, this column torments me! On the one hand, I’m currently listening to podcasts of the world’s best break-up songs on Minnesota Public Radio, which is making my heart feel all melty towards those in the love-finding trenches. On the other hand, there is a guy on JDate who goes by the handle SuckItUp33, which is so gross and hostile that I can’t NOT make fun of him.

On the other other hand, SuckItUp sounds exactly like the kind of guy I would have made out with back when I was a pretentious 23-year-old with a limited alcohol tolerance:

I'm sarcastic, I can be obnoxious, and the word arrogant has been thrown around before also…but I am also loyal, intelligent, classy, motivated, dedicated, educated, even-keeled, well-written…and dashingly handsome… I think its hot when girls get drunk and stick their tongues out and I really like girls who use words like "capricious", "salacious", and "pedantic".

Listen, I don’t mean to be pedantic, but that tongue thing is unfortunately salacious, and even if you sign up for JDate as a total caprice, the least you can do is proofread your profile (that “its” takes an apostrophe – it’s a contraction, not a possessive.)

SuckItUp definitely comes in second, but before I reveal my absolutely favorite JDater girl so far, a pair of third-placers:

  • Loveme823, poor thing. I hope she thought long and hard about that name. If it’s “Love, Me” as in “Dear Boyfriend, had to run but have a great day, Love, Me” written on a post-it on the pillow, then it’s cute. As a naked plea for affection, though: Oy.
  • Ffffffflorida, whose profile reads like his mom literally forced him to sign up. He says he “would love to meet a jewish girl.. and have little jew bagel babies,” his perfect first date involves “complete aquardness and very uncomfortable,” and he’s looking for “a jewish princess, so my rents tell me…”

Nobody, though, is as awesomely honest as ChalahBack. She enjoys the Scottsdale nightlife, she considers bad sex a dealbreaker, and she’s looking for someone who “butters my Muffin upon request.” ChalahBack, we at Jewcy all wish you a future full of happy muffin-buttering.

Sex & Love

JDater of the Week

Did you know that JDate offers bulk rates to rabbis who want to sign up their entire congregations wholesale? And that some rabbis are paying out of pocket to get their flocks hitched? JDate is seriously the greatest racket in … Read More

By / January 22, 2008

Did you know that JDate offers bulk rates to rabbis who want to sign up their entire congregations wholesale? And that some rabbis are paying out of pocket to get their flocks hitched? JDate is seriously the greatest racket in the history of the Internet.

Just because HaShem seems to think you’re wasting your time on Nerve, though, doesn’t mean that JDate isn’t fraught with peril. Look at the Good Samaritan who calls himself Portnoy4U (which, as unappealing literary characters go, is pretty much the male equivalent of a woman calling herself LilLadyMacbeth) and whose “What I’m Looking For” essay contained the following aside:

“IF YOU NEVER SAY ONE WORD TO ME IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE, STILL HEED THESE NEXT PEARLS OF WISDOM!!!! UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU EVER GO TO THE MATZOH BALL IN BOCA RATON!!!! DON'T DO IT.”

Or the lady whose terse profile said only “looking for someone special to spend my time with, please have hair on ur head.”

My winner this week, though, is the GUY WHO VOLUNTEERED. BullofBudapest, seriously, you’re my hero. Not only did you e-mail me specifically requesting to be featured in this column, which shows megaballs, but your profile is approximately 3000 words long. I’m excerpting my favorite part, but ladies, you kind of have to read the whole thing:

With Holocaust survivor parents I KNOW Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Hence, I love to party, dance (wild/dirty, imagining I'm Black, to slow/soft taking long, tight dips), get into heavy discussions & light flirtations, make passionate love (any other kind?), humble the arrogant, fight the "good fight"(charge windmills), challenge the smug; solitude, silence, spiritiuality, nature, current affairs, NPR, Air Amerika; high-volume stereo singing along with Orbison, CCR, Rait, Motown, James Taylor, The Eagles; and seeking to understand my God.

Previously: Jerry Seinfeld Meets James Bond

Tagged with: