Sex & Love

FFJD: Avoid These Kisses

There is such thing as a bad kiss. Fifty First (J) Dates explores them. Read More

By / December 6, 2010
Jewcy loves trees! Please don't print!

Smooching is very important. There is even research that says that kissing chemistry goes beyond “oh cue the music this is fun and now I’m thinking about maybe a destination wedding in the Caribbean?” and is scientific/will discern the outcome of this rendezvous.

However, not everybody you plant one on, from the kid at camp in a canoe (yes, that happened), to the cute Aepi senior who has a girlfriend you didn’t know about, to the guy from work who you were just sort of bored and this is a terrible idea and zomg I think I just hit the copy button with my left cheek and I’m going to use up all the toner, is going to be a good kiss.

There are a few types of kissers to avoid, if possible. Sometimes it’s hard to assess whether or not someone will be a good kisser (as Patti says, don’t judge it til you kiss it), and sometimes you just know. I have a theory that people who are very verbal are good kissers. But then again some chatterboxes should stick to just talking.

The St. Bernard.

This is a classic case. Sometimes I’ve thought that there was genuinely a saliva gland problem. Maybe that’s just for my own peace of mind. But if you feel like you’re reenacting Beethoven (don’t get my wrong, that is a fantastic family film), maybe you should think about absorption strategies, or exit strategies.

The Tongue In Cheek.

Aren’t I so witty? But come on, you’ve been there where some dude thinks that sticking his tongue in your mouth far enough to make sure you did in fact have all of your wisdom teeth removed. (This photo, post-op, chipmunk-cheeked, and whacked out on Vicodin had to have been the same day as your passport photo, and now when you’re being manhandled by TSA they remark at your apparent weight-loss.)

It’s just awkward, uncomfortable, unenjoyable, and very difficult for respiration. It might just be time to step away from his taste buds. Which have now become your taste buds. Did you eat peanut butter?

Kissing a Girl.

Yeah I know, Katy Perry kissed a girl and really liked it and now only wears latex, custom-made dresses that make me worry about her Pikachu and doesn’t that area between her large boobs get sweaty? Ew.

But you have to think about the mechanics, people. It’s important.

Anyway, there are some boys who are like just too sensitive and not aggressive enough and then you sort of feel like a director somewhere is going to yell “cut!” and you’re just like excuse me can you get into this please also are you wearing lip balm? (Has also happened. Sigh.) This might sound slightly sexist and I’ve actually never kissed a girl so this is what I’d imagine girls kiss like. :: insert boy drool here ::

Biters.

Self-explanatory.

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What makes a really great kiss? It’s hard to discern and is very subjective. I’ve had multiple friends make out with the same boy in college (ffjd ffjd ffjd) and one says he was a terrible kisser and the other said he was great. Which means one of those two girls is a bad kisser? Or maybe there was just too much jungle juice involved and then someone walked in and he got all flustered because the kid almost knocked over his super special “Volcano.” On another note – general hygiene is important. If you like, haven’t showered in several days or need a bunch of wet ones because you just had Chipotle before this makeout sesh (FML), we’z gonna have a problem.

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