Religion & Beliefs

Real Talk Parsha: Vaera

I gotta tell you: Pharaoh is probably the worst person in the world to order lunch with. Or do anything with really.  So Moses comes and is like "Dude, I’m gonna hit you with blood." Pharaoh’s like "bet". Moses hits … Read More

By / January 22, 2010

I gotta tell you: Pharaoh is probably the worst person in the world to order lunch with. Or do anything with really.  So Moses comes and is like "Dude, I’m gonna hit you with blood." Pharaoh’s like "bet". Moses hits him with blood. Pharaoh’s all like "Whoooa, this ish is real! Make it stop and imma let your people go." Moses makes the blood go away. Pharaoh’s like "Nahh, not really though."

Now take this and rinse, lather, and repeat for frogs, lice, wild beasts, pestilence, boils, hail, and Jonas Brothers.  If this is how annoyingly indecisive he was with the craziest supernatural bad mojo known to man happening to him, imagine how maddening he would be to deal with for something as mundane as, oh, ordering a pizza with friends or something:

Imhotep: Yo Pharaoh, we’re ordering pizza. You in?

Pharaoh: Sure. Lemme get some pineapples on my side.

Anck-su-namun: That sounds good. I’ll get pineapple too.

Pharaoh: Pineapple? I want extra cheese.

Anck-su-namun: But you just said pineapple.

Pharaoh: Yeah, well, I changed my mind.

Imhotep: And here we go. You always do this!

Pharaoh: Do what?

Imhotep: Every four seconds with you, you’re changing your mind.  The hell, man?

Anck-su-namun: And before the food even get here lemme tell you: Yes. I want all of my food. Not some of it. I’m not gonna eat the pizza and fries and you take the soda. I am eating it all.

Pharaoh: So what do I get out of this then?

Anck-su-namun: What do you get out of not trying to get some of my food? You get me not kicking your ass. Does that work for you? Not getting your ass kicked?

Imhotep: Ok, look, let’s not even get into that right now. The total is $27.85, so that’s like $9.30 a person.

Pharaoh: Well I don’t have anything on me right now, but if you pay for it for me, I’ll promise to pay you back.

Imhotep: …Right. Just like you promised I could borrow that Black Eye Peas album if I helped you move, right? But then I did it, and you were like you changed your mind?

Pharaoh: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Imhotep: You don’t know what I’m talking about.

Pharaoh: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Anck-su-namun: Hey, how bout if you shut up I promise to not kick your ass, but then I kick it anyway?