Religion & Beliefs

Don’t Worry About Your Rabbi – Prison is Quite Frum

So your Rabbi was arrested for stealing millions of dollars or selling kidneys on eBay. Shul may never be the same without his sermons preaching about the evils of money, but that doesn’t mean he won’t still be religious – … Read More

By / July 27, 2009

So your Rabbi was arrested for stealing millions of dollars or selling kidneys on eBay. Shul may never be the same without his sermons preaching about the evils of money, but that doesn’t mean he won’t still be religious – prison may actually be more religious than the free world, and here’s why.

Why is prison so frum?

No women: It seems that the goal of ultra-Orthodox Jews has been to remove women from the scene for some time, slowly making crazy decrees from banning denim, the color red and arm-swinging to preventing women from leaving the home, pursuing post baby-making education and learning Torah. Seems like prison without the yetzer harahs temptation of women is all fine and dandy.

Food: We all know religious Jews aren’t the healthiest of the bunch and now they can enjoy a life of crappy food. Besides, I’m sure half the food in prison looks like cholent.

Shabbos Goyim: Imagine a world in which the lights were turned off, the food was made and the doors were opened on shabbos by goyim without a peep from you. Now imagine that your whole world was reshus hayachid and you could carry all you wanted on Shabbos. Prison is like having your very own Shabbos goy.

Shabbos Riots: Its perfectly normal for a prison riot to break out so if you feel that your fellow irreligious Jew down the block (literally) is going to be forced to play sports and carry on Shabbos, starting a riot seems like the thing to do anyway – frummies who riot will feel right at home in prison.

No internet: I can only imagine that prisons now have internet, but fear not my frummy friends. It is a public place and they block all the good sites you so truly love to search in Arab-owned internet cafes.

Television: You mean I can watch TV and I don’t have to hide it behind the mirror in my bedroom? I wonder if a kid would get kicked out of a yeshiva if they knew his father was watching TV in prison?

Smoking: Frummies and especially hocker types (the guys who wind up in prison) love to smoke.

Mikvah: So the shower may not be the same, but at least they will be used to large hairy men taking them from behind.

Why prison may not be so frum:

Metal toilet seats may need to be kashered

Can you imagine an inmate demanding a challah knife?

Use of the word Shvigger (Yiddish for mother in law) in conversation may be a sakanah

Are you allowed to daven in the same room as a toilet bowl?