Religion & Beliefs

A Handy Guide To Being A Jew After The Rapture

So if Harold Camping is right, this weekend the rapture is coming. We’ve got a few tips to making the most out of being left behind. Read More

By / May 17, 2011
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You may or may not have heard that some guy named Harold Camping says the world is going to end this Saturday, and even though he’s been wrong with the same prediction before (check out 1994), people are actually giving a tiny bit of thought to Camping’s prophecy.

If you’re anything like me, I know what you’re thinking: there goes my fucking weekend.

You probably had plans to sit around in your pajama bottoms, watch the NBA playoffs, and take advantage of your “day of rest.”  The last thing you need on your Saturday is a bunch of goyim dropping into a pit of flaming fire, collecting their angel wings, or whatever it is people do during the end times.

But here’s the catch: Jews are exempt from the whole ordeal.  I think if Jesus really is coming, he’s going to walk past Russ & Daughters and wink at the woman with the big Star of David and say, “don’t worry, I’m one of you guys.  I’m just giving these people what they’ve been asking for.  All I want is a bagel with whitefish, onions, and capers.”  Between this scheduled rapture and the Mayan calendar running out, we’re pretty much golden for at least a few months, so have as much fun as you’d like, and embrace living in post-rapture times.

But just in case you’re stuck on the fact that the supposed “end of the world” is nigh, I’d like to offer a five quick tips on to help you better enjoy the world now that most of the world’s population has vanished.

1.  Take advantage of the amazing deals.

Seriously, half the world is gone–you won’t even need to haggle.  You need something to hang your linens on? Just walk into Target and take a towel rack.  Who’s going to stop you?

2.  Find out if Joe Smith was really was a Nazi.

Did you have a sneaking suspicion that your kindly old neighbor with an accent had a shadowy past?   Well, he’s gone.  You can now go look through his house and confirm your suspicion that you were living next to another John Demjanjuk.

3.  Take some time to finally read The Road.

Go on.  You’ve earned it.  And if you’re feeling really wild, maybe watch the film adaptation.

4.  Go to Disney World.

Have you ever see National Lampoon’s Vacation?  Remember how fun Wally World looked because nobody else was there?  This is your chance.  Live the dream.

5.  Check the “Post Rapture looting” Facebook group.

All those people RSVP’d, but who’s actually doing any looting?  Make that shit real.