Arts & Culture

Shtickball: The Sports And Thanksgiving Edition

We profile some sports figures past and present and what dishes they might be making this Turkey Day. Read More

By / November 4, 2011
Jewcy loves trees! Please don't print!

Thanksgiving is fast approaching (which is terrifying because I feel like a moment ago I put the high holidays in my rear view mirror). While everyone loves getting down and dirty with turkey and stuffing, there isn’t really a good holiday transition between sitting in your hut with your species and bloating yourself in the name of the Puritans. It looks like people have gone to the trouble of researching the connection between Jews and Pilgrims, but I choose to focus on time-honored stereotypes and mention Spanish Jew Haym Solomon putting up serious dough to fund the Revolution (although I distinctly remember watching Molly’s Pilgrim in Jewish day school and having no clue why they were showing it to us). In any case, sports are the great unifier of nations, and there’s nothing more satisfying than plopping down in front of the Thanksgiving day football games with a bellyful of tryptophan.  We profile some sports figures past and present and what dishes they might be making this Turkey Day:

Chris Johnson, Tennessee Titans

Dish: Lard Based Gravy

A perfect dish for a guy who looks about as fast and shifty this season as your grandfather playing Thanksgiving backyard football with a double knee replacement. We know the Titans offensive line is abysmal, but it wasn’t that long ago that CJ was this guy. He may not have had a lot of time to practice with the holdout and such, but he’s averaging under 3 yards a carry! You trip and fall forward and usually get more than that!  I guess his gravy causes you to actually move backwards, resulting in 300 yards rushing through 8 games and thousands of massacred fantasy teams.

David Stern, Basketball Commissioner

Dish: Backstab Stuffing

Yes, I know there is no such thing, but that’s why it’s perfect for Stern: He takes pride in disappointing fans in unexpectedly cruel ways. He waited until the absolute last minute to even begin talks between players and owners, and he’s likely been spending his time whispering sweet nothings in Dan Gilbert’s ear about what a brave soldier he is for not giving an inch. The first month of the season has already been cancelled, giving the Commish ample time to perfect this dish and make sure it yields maximum suffering. I’m sure it will have pieces of Mark Cuban’s clenched fists in it. At least we’ll know he went down fighting.

Tony Larussa, Retired (Until he drunkenly stumbles into the clubhouse for spring training next season and belligerently announces his return, mark my words)

Dish: Turducken with 5 extra layers of various meats

This is an easy one. For the man who took singular delight in ‘hands on managing’, we need a food with chameleon like properties. Thought you were cutting into turkey, now you’ve got steak on your fork! Wait! Now it’s Lance Lynn! There’s no denying it was a magical last run for Crazy Tony, but good god, between him and Ron Washington, if you took your eye off the screen for one second, there was an entirely new team on the field when you looked back. Well done you lunatic, well done.