Arts & Culture

Shtickball: The Herman Cain Sports Edition

This week, Shtickball looks at some great Herman Cain quotes and the sports figures that embody their meaning. Read More

By / November 11, 2011
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This week, Garrett McNamara set a world record by surfing a 90 foot wave. However, that wave looks like child’s play compared to the one Herman Cain has been riding the last month. Multiple sexual harassment claims, a glaring lack of foreign policy knowledge, and a tobacco heavy campaign commercial have only strengthened the Godfather of pizza’s standing in the polls. Rachel Maddow has called his campaign an incredibly brilliant performance art piece, and his over-the-top wacky antics do smack of someone playing an elaborate prank on the American people. Cain has never been one to hold his tongue, and we thought it appropriate to take some of his most amusing quotes and apply them to some colorful sports figures.

“Don’t blame Wall Street, don’t blame the big banks. If you don’t have a job and you are not rich, blame yourself”!

To Latrell Sprewell, the mercurial NBA all-star who turned down a 21 million dollar contarct on the grounds that it wasn’t enough to feed his family. While this bold move effectively ended Spree’s career (he ended up owing lots of money and foreclosing on his house and yacht), I understand Spree’s sentiment. He took Cain’s words to heart, and knew if he didn’t try for that 50 million contact he would only have himself to blame. Way to stick to your guns Spree, Herman would be proud.

“When they ask me who is the president of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan I’m going to say you know, I don’t know. Do you know?”

This gem displays both a hardened lunacy streak and a proud display of ignorance. Two candidates come to mind here. The first is clearly Ron Artest (my apologies, Metta World Peace), whose incredible lack of a filter is matched only by his penchant for rap tributes to Michael Jackson and henessy drinking. There is nothing out of reach for Artest in the realm of crazy, including running for Prime Minister of Uzbeki Beki Beki  Stan Stan. The second one is one Donovan McNabb, who infamously claimed he did not know the rules about overtime in the NFL, or that playoff games couldn’t end in a tie. McNabb’s ‘aw shucks’ demeanor and staggering ignorance on this topic continues a time-honored tradition of proudly announcing you don’t know what the hell you are talking about, a tradition fervently practiced by Herman Cain.

“The only tactic liberals have is to try to intimidate people into thinking that the Tea Party is racist. The Tea Party is not a racist movement, period! If it were, why would the straw polls keep showing that the black guy is winning? That’s a rhetorical question. Let me state it: The black guy keeps winning”.

Let’s send this one out to our old friend Iron Mike Tyson, a man for whom words have always come fast and furious but not always correct. Give him credit though, he’s never shied away from expressing his opinions about kicking children’s testicles and fading into bolivian, and in all respects he is clearly a black guy that keeps winning. Also he absolutely nails Cain in this parody. Bravo Mike.