Arts & Culture

Shtickball: Deadline Deals for The Israelites

A list of the athletes we’d love to see make a move over to team Jew. Read More

By / July 22, 2011
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As the baseball trading deadline approaches ever nearer, we’re stuck in a vortex of potential moves. We know we’re bound to see Buster Olney talk about Carlos Beltran’s future, and frankly most of these pieces we don’t give a crap about, we just want it to be over so we can get back to watching Brian Wilson wax poetic on Showtime. Since there’s no sense speculating on things every baseball talking head already has, lets take the conversation in a different direction, and think about who we might want playing for our spiritual team. The following is a list of alluring sports candidates I’d love to see switch to a holier squad.

Ryan Howard, Philadelphia Phillies

He strikes out a lot and makes way too much money so he sort of fits right in with douche bag investment banker you went to high school with. But he’s always smiling which is very endearing and would counteract the classic nebbish Jewish body type with some big and tall genes. Plus, Jews have a storied history of welcoming African Americans with open arms.

Tim Lincecum, San Francisco Giants

You’ve seen his windup, can you imagine the possibilities if we gave him a prayer book and a synagogue? With his upstart rebellious personality (code for he loves getting high), he could be a hero to the gay Jewish community of San Francisco (not saying he’s gay, but with that hair, ehhh….). He’s also a dead ringer for this kid, who I always assumed was a Jew for some reason.

Duke Snider, Brooklyn Dodgers

The departed Dodger great was loved by scores of old Jewish baseball fans, and is probably consider an honorary Jew in many Brooklyn Dodger households. He got screwed in the 1955 MVP vote, but not as bad as people thought he did. A lot like us Jews. Also there’s nothing more Jewish than getting convicted for tax fraud. Welcome to the club Duke, we’ll leave an extra bowl of matzah ball soup out for you.

Kenny Britt, Tennessee Titans

Aside from a ponzi scheme or two, the Jews have been a pretty parve bunch for the last half century. This guy has warrants out for his arrest in almost every state, and likes to mix it up between nightclub brawls and crushing ganja cigars moments before police show up. Clearly an exciting addition to the tribe, and one with great (ok pretty good) hands.

Shaq, Retired

A fairly obvious one. He’s already a philosopher, and I would love to see ‘The Big Rambam’ embrace his inner Yid by reading Bible stories and then explaining how he would have gotten down with freaky deaks like Tamar while also going to look for the Techelet snail. And although it looks like he got a head start on the quest, but he’s still got a ways to go to catch up with Amare.