Arts & Culture

The Least Kosher Thing Ever

We’ve all made those jokes, spinning out the thread of ever-increasing absurdity, layering hypothetical violation on top of hypothetical violation, all to determine: What is the least kosher meal you could possibly eat? Are we talkin’ shrimp wrapped in prosciutto … Read More

By / January 28, 2009

We’ve all made those jokes, spinning out the thread of ever-increasing absurdity, layering hypothetical violation on top of hypothetical violation, all to determine: What is the least kosher meal you could possibly eat?

Are we talkin’ shrimp wrapped in prosciutto and dipped in butter sauce? (I’m sure Paula Deen is, if no one else. Scratch that, Paula will just take the butter sauce).  Perhaps a pork-and-cheese sandwich with chopped lobster on top.  Maybe just eat a whole freakin’ pig with some creme fraiche. At a certain level, it’s hard to refine the criteria.

Until now.

Ladies and gentlemen, the universe has spoken, through two guys named Jason Day and Aaron Chronister, professional barbecue experts from Roeland Park, KS. They have created (drumroll please): The Bacon Explosion.

This contraption involves stuffing meat into meat, basically the treyfiest turducken you can imagine. Lattice-work bacon, layered (lard-erd?) with sausage, topped with already-cooked bacon, rolled and then smoked for about one hour per inch of thickness (that’s what s/he said.)

Followed by porkgasmic gorging, presumably followed by arterial failure of some kind.

The New York Times piece on these guys and their creation even quotes a Jewish guy (’cause hey, it wouldn’t be a Times story if they didn’t. Gotta make it relevant to their readership) saying "It wasn’t planned as a send-off for me to Israel, but with all of the pork involved it sure seemed like it."

There, there, Jew. Surely the Holy Land will be rewarding in ways more fulfilling than anti-heckshered gluttony. Or, um, not. Good luck with that. In the meantime, I have to go throw out all my fake bacon and contemplate what the hell is wrong with me that I won’t eat this beautiful manifestation of God’s creation, both of pigs and human ingeniousness.