Peeing ever so slightly in the coffee my boss asked me to bring him the other day.

On three separate occasions, I tried to hook up with this cute, be-girlfriend-ed guy I know. Each time, he freaked out at the last minute, saying he couldn't cheat. Then I met his girlfriend, and we really hit it off. I'm not sure she knows how often I tried to steal her man, but I feel pretty bad about that.

spending most of the work day reading fashion blogs.

Loving the band Supertramp so much, and subjecting them to my friends and coworkers.

I had a urinary tract infection when I tinkled in his java?

I fart on the subway regularly.

leading on a bunch of lesbians just because I was enjoying the attention.

kissing a guy and denying i did to my (now ex) boyfriend. but i loved my boyfriend and it was really wrong of me...

i put my dick in the applesauce, but just once, to try it.

Adultry. But I feel no guilt. It was good. However, the sin that always has me at the "sin wherein we have sinned" (greatest hits of sinning) part of the service, is having haughty eyes... Yeah, I've made that expression a few times. It's really not that nice.

lying about going to school last semester. I didn't even register yet alone attend a class!

After I had the worst date ever I told pretty much everyone about how pompous and ridiculous this guy was. I also might have mentioned the premature ejaculation... Usually I didn't mention his full name, but sometimes I did. So yeah, sorry about that, man. And good luck with holding it.

Also, I've been really hard on one of my friends this year and I feel pretty bad about that.

A long time ago, when I was in the seventh grade at a Hebrew Day School, there was a new kid in our class from Israel. I'll call him Shuki. Shuki was only in the States for one or two years because his father was getting his PhD at one of the local universities. Because, even then, I was interested in the world, travel and meeting people from other countries, I befriended Shuki, who was a bit of a loner due to his short stature, natural shyness, limited command of English and his very strong Israeli accent.

I remember that I was one of the few in the class who attended his bar mitzvah and how his mother took my mother aside at the time to tell her how happy she was that Shuki had such a good friend in me because the move to the States had been so hard for him. Such was my relationship with Shuki.

One day, for no particular reason other than to be funny, I called up one of the girls in the class and, doing my best Israeli accent, I pretended to be Shuki. Much to my surprise, I carried on a fifteen minute or so conversation with this girl (who is now a lawyer in NYC -- beware) as Shuki and, not until my big reveal at the end, was the girl wise to who it really was. (I have blotted from my memory what I actually said as Shuki -- it couldn't have been good -- I can only imagine).

Somehow this conversation became a cause celeb in the class. She told someone or I bragged about it -- I don't remember how. Yes, I received the accolades I was seeking from my classmates about being a talented mimick and fine prankster but I lost Shuki's friendship. He never actually said anything about it to me. I just saw how his eyes welled up as the class discussed the matter. And I saw how withdrawn he became for the remainder of the year before he moved back to Israel. I had betrayed him and I feel bad about it to this day.

Our tradition tells us that before I can seek atonement from God, I need to seek atonement from Shuki. I don't know where he is. I don't even remember his last name. So, if you are out there, and you recognize yourself as Shuki, I am so sorry. Please forgive me.

I should atone for giving and getting oral sex in a secluded corner of the Holocaust museum. I'm still feeling a guilt ache.

I atone for reading Jewcy.

I attone for:
telling interested guys who was not at all interested in, that I would call back when that was never my plan
lengthy bar tabs

judging my roommate for things that don't affect me and are none of my business, internet surfing at work, not calling my grandparents enough, and not visiting them, and especially hooking up with that guy on my birthright trip.

Smoking weed in my parents house even though my mother specifically said not to.

Being a schmuck

when I was in middle school, I put gum in a retarded kid's hair. I was pretending to be nice, I was like, "hey what's that in your hair?" and then I put a big glob of gum in it. It was awful, and even the dumb, popular kids I was trying to impress didn't think it was funny. It's probably the worst thing I've done intentionally. I also atone for betraying my friends secrets and being a giant gossip. I atone for all the meaningless sex I've had. I atone for taking advantage of people's kindness and generosity. oy vey, I have not been very good. :(