Very well done; the inaccuracies are justified in my view because you make the point you wanted to make well. You should have found room for a panel alluding to the utter irony of the "Maccabean Games" too, but I guess that would be a criticism of secular Judaism. But this is good work! Of course you will be punished in the hereafter for it.

Guys, this is terrific! Questions:

1. Do you think the rabbis consciously rewrote the history, or were they just repeating what they had been taught?

2.
If so, do you really think part of their motivation was to compete with
Christmas and the solstice? I'd always thought that was a modern
innovation, part of the cost of living in this treifa
medina.

We threw in Christmas because we were hoping to appeal to Christians.  Since Christmas wasn't celebrated then the way it is celebrated today, we called them "Jesus Freaks."  I believe that was the term given to early Christians, but I need to confirm that with higher education types.  I think all cultures have always celebrated something in the Winter, so even if Hanukkah wasn't competing with proto-Christmas per se, there were other festivals in the air that contributed to the way Hanukkah came to be worshiped.  Christmas itself borrowed so much from pagan rites that it seemed to fit in the general solstice category.  Amichai Lau-Lavie has some interesting thoughts on this here.

cipher,

Hagiography was hardly invented by Artscroll or the Jewish Observer...it is an ancient Jewish pastime...though I doubt the rewrite was accomplished in one generation. But excluding the Maccabees from the canon and banning those texts certainly helped facilitate revisionism. 

You know I love your stuff...usually. But I'm sick to death of all this cutting-down-Hanukkah I'm seeing all over the web this year. And I know that all the hip intellectuals bringing down the Maccabees are still going over to mommy's house to light the menorah, exchange gifts, and eat latkes. So what's your point, that we shouldn't talk about what great heroes the Maccabees were? (Like that really comes up during your Hanukkah party.) And why is everyone suddenly waking up to the true history of the Hashmoneans now?

What we teach our kids about heroes has to be different than the full, unadulterated story -- otherwise there would simply be no heroes. I'm sorry but by any definition of the word, Judah Maccabee was a true Jewish hero, regardless of what his successors turned into. Bottom line: Did the Maccabean revolt save Judaism from a tyrant demanding Jews worship other gods? The answer is yes. If you like being Jewish, then you have to be thankful for that fact, and maybe even celebrate it. Did it turn ugly afterwards? Yes. (That doesn't stop the French from celebrating Bastille Day, nor should it, even though the French Revolution begat the Reign of Terror and Napoleonic Wars.)

There's all this cultural absolutism about how people 2,000 years ago should have behaved based on our own, cushy morals of 21st Century upper-middle-class sloth. Where's the context?

Or maybe I'm just not finding it funny.

I guess if this sparks Jewish adults to learn more about first- and second-century b.c.e. Jewish history so they can more fully disagree with your assessment, then I'm all for it.

Good art, though.

Okay, the part about "We're not religious" is funny -- as long as it's an ironic juxtaposition of a modern idea into ancient history, and not a suggestion that there actually was secularism in 2nd Century B.C.E. (beyond three or four enlightened Greek philosophers).

Oh, and the part about the Talmudists is of course true. Though I think they said "douchebags" and not "motherfuckers."

So what's your point, that we shouldn't talk about what great heroes the Maccabees were?

Yes.

 (Like that really comes up during your Hanukkah party.)

I throw Hanukkah parties?

 And why is everyone suddenly waking up to the true history of the Hashmoneans now?

It's a sign of the End of Days.  Mashiach is coming!

What we teach our kids about heroes has to be different than the full, unadulterated story -- otherwise there would simply be no heroes.

Why would that be a problem?

I'm sorry but by any definition of the word, Judah Maccabee was a true Jewish hero, regardless of what his successors turned into.

Judah Maccabee would have had you beheaded.

You know what you are, Eli Valley? You are an intellectual TYRANT, no better than the Hashmoneans themselves. Wielding humor like a sword to forcibly-circumcise your critics. Have we learned nothing from history?!

I'm looking forward to seeing how screwed up your kids become (once you have some) when you explain to them WHEN THEY'RE SIX that we shouldn't have a President's Day in this country because George Washington was a slave-owning motherfucker.

I feel like the cartoon is too...Jewish. 

You know?

Oh, PSL... Don't you know that, in the world of EV, gaining a comment
like "Wielding humor like a sword to forcibly-circumcise your critics"
is like winning the Pulitzer Prize?

Once again, reading an EV cartoon (this time with added Kelseyness)
simultaneously filled me with awe for his brilliance and fear that he
might use it for evil. I mean, for something even more evil. Against
me. Hopefully not. But that's the fear.

The EV comic is, as always, completely ignoring the fact that there are other Jews then the self-centered, imperialist, dollar-obsessed bigot Emerykan Jews. We, the progressive German citizens of Mosaic faith have long been ignoring and hating this artificial political holiday - together with the rest of the silly Polish Jewish traditions!

"And I know that all the hip intellectuals bringing down the Maccabees
are still going over to mommy's house to light the menorah, exchange
gifts, and eat latkes." 

Actually, I boycott latkes, as my ancestors were oppressed by fundamentalist potatoes.

Eli Valley rules

He likes it!!

Ah well, gentlemen, you've got it all figured out. Bravissimmo!! It was all a Hebraic conspiracy to keep children and their parents hooked... Finally, someone has exposed 'the near and dear' for what it truly is, a massive conspiracy.

Now, why didn't anyone figure this out until you brilliant folks came along? Why don't you now take on an issue of true importance, like why the Jets felt compelled to expose the Patriots' videotape system?

C'mon, inquiring minds want to know!! (Or, maybe it just doesn't matter?)

I like how you exposed circumcision for what it is.

It is indeed true, what we call modern day circumcision is a rabinnic invention. The original circumcision removed only the tip of the orlah (foreskin).

John Hyrcanus (Yochanan Ben Hurkanus) was a corrupt saduccee priest working under the puppet roman régime of king herod and he forced Jews such as the Jews of the galilee to forcibly circumcise.

When the corrupt rabbis in rome discovered that Jews were stretching their foreskin, they issued an edict to completely remove the entire prepuce - something which is a violent mutilation and a violation of a person's health - poth pysical and mental - as well as his human rights.

"John Hyrcanus (Yochanan Ben Hurkanus) was a corrupt saduccee priest working under the puppet roman régime of king herod and he forced Jews such as the Jews of the galilee to forcibly circumcise."

 

Where is the evidence to support this assertion?

"The EV comic is, as always, completely ignoring the fact that there are other Jews then the self-centered, imperialist, dollar-obsessed bigot Emerykan Jews. We, the progressive German citizens of Mosaic faith have long been ignoring and hating this artificial political holiday - together with the rest of the silly Polish Jewish traditions!"

 

 

"Germans of the Mosaic faith?"  This is too pre third Reich for me.

 

"together with the rest of the silly Polish Jewish traditions!"

 

The Jewish Polish traditions, three millions plus went up in smoke with the help of the Germans of the Mosaic faith.

"Judah Maccabee would have had you beheaded."

 

 Eli Valley minus a head? You got have a head to be beheaded. I see no evidence that Eli has one.  

 

Modern day Circumcision is not a Rabbinic "invention", it is a 2200 year old modification to prevent hellenist Jews from recreating their foreskins by stretching what they had.  This is a blatant transgression of Jewish law and rejection of their Jewish heritige, one that could not be permitted in that age.

 Further, it is hardly a violation of personal health, far from a mutilation, and you stretch it way beyond it's accusation to call it "human rights". It is among the most minor of bodily modifications, around the level of body piercing, with intense religious purpose, but hardly will these hypocrites cry about the lost feeling in their ears and the "human rights" that have been ignored if a 3 year old girl gets pierced ears.

Anyhow, John Hyrcanus cannot truly be identified as a Saudecee as the political parties have not been identified to have officially existed at that point.The Hasmonean dynasty were all king/priests, and didn't start out as puppets but worked it's way there later.

He forced the Idumeans (sons of Esau, not galatians) to convert to Judaism, which was certainly a questionable action, but definatly JH trying to live up to the zealousness of the maccabean past. Oh and he destroyed the Samaritan temple, take that Samaritans!

Not nessicariy appropriate, but we don't have to like him, now do we?

that everyone thinks our history for a given event was simply made up X years later by Rabbis? Why do people think that you can simply walk up to people and be like this:

Rabbi: "Hey, did you hear about hannukah?"

Jewish People: "WTF is hannukah?"

R: "It's a holiday celebrating the fact that the oil lasted for 8 days in the temple 600 years ago"

JP: "So why haven't we heard of it till now?"

R: "uhhhhhhh....."

It's rediculous to believe that everyone would suddenly pick up these kinds of things. It would be understandable if you are dealing with converts who don't know left or right, but it's completely different to suggest the native population had no problem with a new holiday celebrating an aspect of their own history they've never heard before. If Hillel and Shammai, who were of the mishnah - not the Talmud, had established traditions concerning Hannukah, and they barely lived 100 years after hannukah happened, what's the problem?

Let's try it out:

"Hey X, did you know your Great Grand-Dad met the President? And they made a whole new holiday for the entire country called X-mas just for you!"

X: "They did? How come I didn't hear about it till now and you're the only one telling it to me with no proof at all?"

No one will simply take what you said and believe it. If there wasn't a tradition to back it up, it won't fly.

It is also incorrect of that comic to suggest that Hannukah had to compete with "New solistice holidays". The Greeks and Romans had had winter solistice holidays for generations before they ever met Jews, and Xtians didn't celebrate X-mas on that day until much later. If the Rabbis were concerned with competition they would just rewritten the Torah and made Hannukah a real holiday so Jews couldn't work or do business on that day.

It would be understandable if you are dealing with converts who don't know left or right

Beg pardon? Problem with converts, per se?

That would be more than enough, and it would be on.

Peace,
Yitro the Militant