The Hippie: Dreadlocks and Bagels
What: Vegan Rosh Hashanah dinner at Sacred Chow
When: Friday, September 14, 7:30 PM
Where: Sacred Chow, 227 Sullivan St
Why: Join the NYC Jewish Veg*ns Meetup, a gathering place for those concerned with animal rights throughout the NYC Jewish community, for a “classic bohemian vegan” dinner. The family-style feast will include all manner of meat-free delights: apples and non-honey sweetener (agave or brown rice syrup) for a sweet and fruitful year, vegan challah, and at least two raw dishes, plus pitchers of kosher vegan cocktails and beer.

The Hipster: Way too Cool for Hebrew School
What: “Hidden Melodies Revealed,” a show by the Sway Machinery
When: Wednesday, September 12, 10 PM
Where: The Angel Orensanz Foundation, 172 Norfolk St
Why: Jewish music is a total snoozefest. Traditional High Holy Day services are so cliché, man, and the cantor at your childhood temple? What a bore. You need something different, something edgy, something that at least partially involves the Arcade Fire. The Angel Orensanz Foundation for the Arts and The Sway Machinery have got you covered. Members of the Sway Machinery have played with everyone from the Arcade Fire to Tom Waits. Using music, storytelling and the debut of an animated film (with puppets, no less), they will take Rosh Hashanah liturgy to undreamed of places in "Hidden Melodies Revealed.”

The Beshert Seeker: Something Old, Something Newish, Something Borrowed, Something Jewish
What: The Third Annual Jewish New Year Party
When: Saturday, September 8, 8 PM
Where: Columbus 72, 246A Columbus Ave between 71st and 72nd St
Why: No more of this dilly-dallying around: 5768 has got to be the year that you find your soulmate. You mean business, and that's why the best way to kick off the new year is this kosher meat market. Hundreds of single Jews will have the place themselves from 8 PM until 10 PM, at which point the gates will open to the general public—so get there early!

The Nouveau Jew: Better Late Than Never?
What: Rosh Hashanah at the Waldorf-Astoria
When: Wednesday, September 12, 7:30 PM through Friday, September 14
Where: The Waldorf-Astoria, 301 Park Avenue
Why: Chabad knows how to organize a fabulously frum Rosh Hashanah. You'll enjoy your meals at The Prime Grill—possibly America’s best-known kosher restaurant—plus lakeside tashlich in Central Park, traditional services, and a renowned cantor.

The Nouveau Jew: Better Late Than Never?
What: Seminar on traditional Jewish texts with Kehilat Hadar
When: Tuesday, September 11, 7:30 PM
Where: The JCC in Manhattan, 334 Amsterdam Ave at 76th St
Why: Make up for the gaps in your Jewish knowledge by learning about Jewish interpretation, thought, and prayer. This is a continuing series taught by Rabbi Shai Held, Rabbi Elie Kaunfer, Andrea Schwartz and guest teachers who present texts ranging from the Bible to Hassidism.

The Super-Jew: You've Got Spirit, Yes You Do!
What: Rosh Hashanah Israeli Dance Marathon
When: September 8, 8:45 PM
Where: The 92nd St Y, Lexington Avenue at 92nd Street
Why: You have a lot of sympathy for drug addicts, because for you, Israeli dance is like crack. Celebrate the sweetness of the New Year by circle dancing your way right into 5768. Yemenite left, and pivot, turn together...

The Intellectual: Smarter Than Jew
What: I Have Never Forgotten You: The Life & Legacy of Simon Wiesenthal
When: September 11, 7:30 PM
Where: The JCC in Manhattan, 334 Amsterdam Ave at 76th St
Why: Traditional services are well and good, but you're looking for something a bit more mentally stimulating, something timely and maybe a tad political. This film features interviews with longtime Wiesenthal associates, government leaders from around the world, friends and family members, and offers a comprehensive look at the life and legacy of the famed Nazi hunter and humanitarian. Taking place on the night before erev Rosh Hashanah, it's a perfect opportunity to reflect on the coming Days of Awe.

The Alterna-parent: Day Care and Dinner Parties
What: Deb's Family Disco
When: Sunday, September 16, 2 PM
Where: Club LQ, 511 Lexington Ave between 47th and 48th St
Why: Show the kids your old moves and maybe even pick up some new ones at Deb's Family Disco. Don't scoff—Deb's offers a full bar for adults, kids' snacks, professional dancers, disco ball necklaces, funky tattoos, and glitter. Sounds (ahem) like more fun than you've had in a while.