FEATURE
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Ich Bin Ein Bestseller | |
| You'll never believe what a Jew can get published in Germany | ||
 by Shalom Auslander, March 25, 2007
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What a difference a half-century makes. Fifty years ago, Germans were pulling out my relatives’ gold fillings with a vise grip; today, they are sending me and every other Jewish writer they can find large certified checks for the right to publish us in Germany. (I'd ironically ask for my payment in gold, but the gold market is hot right now, and I'm afraid they'd non-ironically "Jew" me down to bronze.)
Man plans, goes the expression, and God laughs.
Novels, short stories, plays, poetry collections—in Germany, Jewish is the new black. Guilt? Morbid fascination? A quest for understanding and healing? Who knows? If Ahmadinejad drops a nuke on Tel Aviv, will Iran be a hot market for Jewish writers in fifty years? Ja, it vill. This is our threat, this is our Jewish finger in the chest of the world: Kill us now, assholes, but you'll be reading us tomorrow. Ovens in 1942, bestseller lists in 2007.
And so, a few months ago, as my own book Beware of God was being translated for the German market, my editor asked if I would agree to compose a small glossary, special for the German edition, to define some of the less-common Jewish words.
I resisted. I'm all for a mea culpa stage, but Germans are getting perilously close to masochism at this point. And from what the internet has taught me, I worry that this might be getting them hot—no judgments, of course, but I'm as disinterested in being the pooper as I am in being the poopee. So I planned on humoring my editor, hoping that after seeing my glossary, his better judgment would prevail. When he sent me a list of words he thought should be included, I sent back a list of definitions I thought he would never use.
I was wrong.
Man plans, and God laughs.
"I have to give you Germans credit," I said.
"I'm Swiss," he replied.
More laughter.
Here is the glossary as it appears in the German edition of Beware of God.
***
Anything written on this baby will sell big in Berlin: A Yiddish typewriterBar Mitzvah: The ceremony marking a Jewish male’s 13th birthday, literally “one to whom the commandments apply.” Less literally, “a lavish, catered party, utterly bereft of spirituality, designed to impress friends and neighbors.” You get good gifts, though.
Bat Mitzvah: Same as above, with twelve-year old girls and crappy gifts.
Goy: Non-Jewish male.
Shiksa: Non-Jewish female. Also, “hot.”
Torah: The first Five Books of Moses. Rated M for Mature.
Daven: Yiddish, to pray.
Kosher: 1) Meat, elaborately slaughtered and exorbitantly overpriced. 2) adj, overpriced, with sweaty waiters and a poor wine list.
Treyf: 1) Non-kosher, as in “That food was treyf.” 2) Libertine, immoral, as in “Las Vegas is a treyf city.” 3) Oral sex with a non-Jew, as in “Don’t tell anyone, but I heard Chana Leah’s eating treyf these days.” (Note: That last one isn’t real, but it should be. Start using it.)
Shejgez: A ruffian goy. A hooligan non-Jew. Tommy Lee.
Kugel: A sweet noodle pie.
Kabbalah: The ancient Jewish study of mysticism, a poetic and lyrical celebration of myth and mystery whose true meaning and insight is unknowable except by a few advanced scholars of the ancient texts—scholars who seek to understand nothing less than the question of our existence, the meaning of our lives, the nature of that light within us we call “soul.” Oh, and Madonna.
Yom Kippur: A chance for my mother to weep in public; also, the “Day of Atonement,” the holiest of Jewish holidays.
Feygele: Derived from the Yiddish for “little bird,” a disparaging appellation for a male homosexual, considered an abomination in the eyes of the Lord. There is no disparaging appellation for a lesbian, since they are really hot. In the eyes of the Lord, I mean.
G.I. Jew: A rare Yiddish action figure poses with his nunchakusShul: Yiddish, synagogue.
Gehenna: Hell. See, Shul.
Nunchakus: An ancient Okinawan weapon popularized by Bruce Lee which my editor in Germany, reading this manuscript by the light of a lampshade made from the skin of my grandfather, has mistaken for another “funny Jiddish word” and asked me to include in the glossary. Work will set me free, my ass.
Sh’ma: One of the centerpieces of Jewish prayer, it is the repetition, every morning and evening, of Deuteronomy 6:4, “Hear O Israel, The Lord our God, the Lord is One,” a Biblically-ordained, twice daily “You da man!” to a God that clearly has more than a few self-esteem issues.
Mitzvah: A positive commandment.
Talmud: The basis for the Jewish Oral Law, a compilation of legal opinions and debates. A: Why did he use the word “Compilation?” Couldn’t he have just said, “The basis for the Oral Law made up of legal opinions and debates?” Why did he use the word “Compile?” B: To tell us that you should compile. A: Should we compile every day, or only on Saturday, as it is written, “Something, something, Saturday?” B: We should compile every day, as it is written, “Day.” C: We should never compile; compiling is forbidden.
Aveira: A sin.
Yeshiva: A Jewish madrasa, only with better hats, older books and less ammo.
Siddur: 1) The Jewish prayer book, circa France, 11th century; 2) Kindling material, circa Germany, 1938.
Shabbos, Shabbat: Saturday, the holy day of rest.
Kiddush: The traditional blessing of the wine before a Sabbath or holiday meal.
Cholent: A type of heavy, starchy stew that has simmered over a very low flame for many hours before being served on Sabbath, when it is believed something called the “extra soul” manifests itself in an increased capacity for Jews to consume more food. Doctors who perform something called “quadruple bypasses,” however, strongly disagree.
Like five-alarm chili without any of the alarms: A bucket of cholentParasha: "Portion" in Hebrew; the weekly Torah reading text selection.
Kippah, Yarmulke: A thin, slightly rounded skullcap worn by observant Jewish men. More commonly known among non-Jews as “the target.”
Tallith: A prayer shawl "cloak" that is worn during the morning Jewish services.
Tzitzit: "Fringes" or "tassels" worn by observant Jewish males as part of practicing Judaism. The fringe on each corner is made of four strands, each of which is made of eight fine threads. The four strands are put through the hole in the corner of the garment, thus making two sets of four threads (one set on each side of the hole). The two sets of stands are knotted together twice, and then the longest strand is wound around the remaining seven strands a number of times. The two sets are then knotted again twice. This procedure is repeated three times, such that there are a total of five knots, the four intervening spaces being taken up by windings numbering 7-8-11-13, respectively. The total number of winds comes to 39, which is the numerical equivalent of the words: "The Lord is One" (Deuteronomy 6:4). See also “Hocus Pocus.”
Rugelach: A Jewish pastry, therefore filled with self-loathing and guilt. Just kidding—it’s filled with raisins and chocolate.
Mishna: Hebrew,"repetition.” A major source of Judaism's religious texts.
Pesach: Passover, a Jewish holiday that commemorates the escape of the Jews from the slavery of Egypt into the bucolic, peaceful land of Israel. Nicely done, Moses. Schmuck.
Schmuck: Yiddish, idiot.
Seder: A special Jewish ritual meal which takes place on the first and second evenings of Passover. At the end of the Seder (Hebrew for “order”), we open the front door and welcome the Prophet Elijah into our homes, whereupon we pray aloud that he slaughter our enemies. Still waiting on that, then.
Hashem: God. Hebrew, “the name.” The giver of life, the belief in whom has led to countless deaths; the source of all truth, though that’s probably a lie; the All-Merciful who slaughters, the All-Forgiving who takes vengeance, the All-Knowing who needs constant praise. He Who Begat Us, and over whom We, enraptured and bleeding, Shall End Us. Halle-fucking-lujah.
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Shalom Auslander is the author of Beware of God: Stories, which was a finalist for the 2005 Koret Award for Writers Under 35. His writing has appeared in The New Yorker, Esqure, The New York Times Magazine, and he is a regular contributor to Public More... |
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Monica Osborne
Hmmm . . . at least the
Hmmm . . . at least the Germans feel guilt. Not so much with the Poles. I enjoyed reading this, immensely -- it re-affirmed my conviction that I must go purchase Beware of God for my reading pleasure.
Anonymous
Maybe they shouldn't publish you
Some publisher in Germany agrees to buy the rights to your collection, and you spit in his eye. Well, aren't you a dick? I guess this means you'd cop an attitude if Random House (Bertelsmann Media) wanted to publish you too.
Monica Osborne
Anonymous -- I think you may
Anonymous -- I think you may have missed a few things in this essay, namely: humor. And, come to think of it, in polishing the balls of steel you were somehow able to cultivate behind cowardly anonymity, you may have overlooked irony, sarcasm, wit . . . I could keep going. It seems you're the only one spitting in anyone's eye, though, of course, anonymously. How brave.
matzevolt
I wouldn't say...
First of all: It's been more that 60 years since WW II, but never mind. :)
Germany is for me one of the very few examples of spreading democracy through a war (like it was/is planned in Iraq). The Nazis were dictators (and ***holes in my opinion) and America did the largest part to end the second world war. After that war, they helped to build a democracy in West Germany, that has worked quiet well. I don't think that Germany is a threat to anyone in the world anymore, which is a big thing. It is only logical that a democracy has an open market for books, and if a book is good it's gonna get translated sooner or later.
One of the biggest stars in comedy is jewish over here (Hugo Egon Balder, look him up with you don't believe me) and his show (Genial Daneben!) is a huge success. No one thinks: "Oww, we got to watch him and buy the DVDs, because we started both World Wars." Sure, you joked about that thing, but it would otherwise hurt me as a democraticly thinking German, who has never ever done anything "Nazi" (can't find a better way to put it), that people still think that way about Germany. It's way worse than the Lederhosen, Beer and Oktoberfest things ;).
Anonymous
Annoyance
Chill out man. Not funny. Humour is supposed to come from insight. You are just using clunking paint by numbers (semi) wit. I'm just annoyed, not enlightened by your gratuitous insults and pointless irreverence.
The Yiddisch had more than 5000 words for fool. Read a dictionary - It'll be a who's who of you. And your accent is terrible - I can tell.
Anonymous
Oy Vey!
"Oy Vey! Ve are Jews! Ve Vhine, ve vhine, ve get our vay!"
-Rebbe Shmuel Sheissblatt
Anonymous
germans and the rest
Yes, well, let me put this brief:
The germans are doomed for what has happened, no doubt this is only right. And they are still uncomfortble with their origin.
Then again everywhere over the world people joke about germans and the 30ies of that past century, except in germany. Soooo, if you considered that one is only over it if one can laugh about itself, the germans aren't over it yet. There are more jokes from the 30ies about the dictator than today. That says it all, in my opinion. Pitiful tribe today. Saying that as a non german i am.
NOT that it was funny what has happened! NOR that allmost any german would ever joke about jews. It is a deep thorn in their minds that won't disapear within next generation. Just have mercy with the nazi-grandchilds, they are being drilled their whole scholl-career with the 30ies in order to not forget and never let it happen again.
shalom from overseas,
Gio.(goi, by the way)
Anonymous
ich bin ein, best?seller
we are tougher than words
Anonymous
goi
doomed, maybe, maybe not; confused? definitely-pity the Germans-they need more love than we can give. Friend of Israel in St Louis, Mo. Jesus loves you-should be enough for devotees of the real Master of the universe...need a good friend in Jesus wherever we go.
Sincerest blessings,
JHP
Anonymous
Jewish humor
Well,well;one can say a lot about jews but they are very good when it comes to self-ironi.
An A-rab.
Anonymous
Injustice breeds Anger
QUOTE:
"Yes, well, let me put this brief:
The germans are doomed for what has happened, no doubt this is only right."
This is quite a moronic statement
To feel that someone should be penalized or punished because of a crime that their grandfather committed is just stupidity.
No German deserves to be "doomed" for something that happened 2 generations ago.
If you unfairly and knowingly punish someone for a crime they had no part of, It will only fuel a growing hatred for the people who are "collecting the checks".
Anonymous
historical trends
"Germany is for me one of the very few examples of spreading democracy through a war (like it was/is planned in Iraq)"
There may be a better explantion for German democracy. Notice that nations that have a history of killing or expelling all their Jews seem to eventually become democracies and Jew friendly (e.g. Germany, England, Spain, even Poland is having a philo-Jewish resurgence). Perhaps the problem with Iran is that they weren't able to kill or expel their Jews (see Esther).
The aletrnative explantion is that it takes about 2000 or so years for another religion to get comfortable with Jews. Give the Moslems another thousand years or so and we'll all be friends.
Friedhelm
never ever
"Jews seem to eventually become democracies and Jew friendly"
No German ever had a problem with jews and also Germany is for me one of the very few examples of spreading democracy through a war (like it was/is planned in Iraq). Blame Poland. They did I can tell by the historical pictures I have seen!
rbarenblat
Definitions
My favorite definition is this one:
Talmud: The basis for the Jewish Oral Law, a compilation of
legal opinions and debates. A: Why did he use the word “Compilation?”
Couldn’t he have just said, “The basis for the Oral Law made up of
legal opinions and debates?” Why did he use the word “Compile?” B: To
tell us that you should compile. A: Should we compile every day, or
only on Saturday, as it is written, “Something, something, Saturday?”
B: We should compile every day, as it is written, “Day.” C: We should
never compile; compiling is forbidden.
That's almost a prose poem, right there. I don't know how funny it would be to an outsider or to someone who's never tried to study Talmud, but it makes me laugh out loud.
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