Yes to everything you say, except the last point. Asking whether X is dating anyone is not at all the same as asking how much sex X is having. It's OK to ask X whether he/she's dating someone, but it's not OK to ask what they do after the dates.

But you're absolutely right that married folks need to invite singles over (and to accept return invitations) more than they do. Single folks are part of the community and should be treated as such.

Comments on seemingly contradictory events: Most of the single people I know in Lakeview have been invited over for Shabbat dinner more frequently, as if knowing that inviting me means inviting two people is SO much more work than just one person. However, since becoming engaged, people seem more friendly. They want to share advice and tell me what I should do. Do they no longer feel threatened by me (why I was threatening before is beyond me)? Do I appear to be more settled and less likely to run away and therefore more worthy of their time?

Come ON people.

Tarfon-- It's the why not people who make me crazy, but I maintain that asking about someone's dating life at shul is pretty inappropriate.

Leah--I think in bigger communities the whole single thing is really different. When there's a big group of single people then they invite each other and people are more accustomed to single culture. It's in the smaller cities where I think it's most problematic.

The state of 'aloneness' is an unhealthy one.  It has been demonstrated in numerous studies that solitary individuals live shorter lives and have more health problems, physical and psychological than coupled individuals.  What you seem to be encountering is a cultural bias against this state which is a good thing in my view. 

I'm curious as to why you seem to have a preference for being single, which is the impression I get from reading your piece.

First of all, I'm hardly alone.  I'm part of a big community, and very socially involved. 

 I wouldn't say I have a preference for being single overall, just for right now in my life.  But I have to say, being young and single in Nashville is a pretty great life.  I think the "health problems, physical and psychological" that you're talking about apply more to people that stay single well into adulthood and/or senior citizenship.  As I said in the post, it's not that I don't want a boyfriend, it's that I have no interest in going to lame singles events to meet people.

It's backwards in my community, in a way. At work, at home, even my ex-girlfriend, all these people are always pushing me to go out and date. I almost had a possible this evening, but chose to spend it with a friend I rarely get to see anymore, or spend any quality time with, and she got angry. Half the evening of what I wanted to be quality time was spent listening to her scold me for not going out with this person I hardly know in the hopes of possible having a romantic connection. Versus when I go to shul we're always too busy discussing the weeks parshah to discuss who's single and why.

I've only been asked once that I could recall, and when I said I'm busy trying to deal with studying and working up in my career path, it was perfectly acceptable. This is also at a shul that views Conservative Judaism as being WAY too far to the right, though we are extremely small (to the point of taking the Torah to different events even when we aren't reading from it so we can have a minyan).

I don’t think it’s bad if people make you feel uncomfortable about being single, as long as they are kind and respectful.Being married and having children is good for individuals and for society.  The role of a community is to advocate and reinforce its key values.  Since marriage and children is a fundamental Jewish value, people who don’t live up to these ideals should be made to feel that they eventually need to grow into them.  They shouldn’t be made to feel too uncomfortable or incomplete, but they should know very clearly what the ideal is.

tamar, i mostly agree with your outlook on dating.  (i think that the whole concern about your dating life equating to interest in your sex life is a bit of a jump.)  but i also think it's unhealthy to be consummed and obsessed with "finding a man."  And when others are consummed and obsessed for you, it's really irritating.  From your posts, you're obviously out doing things and not just sitting alone in your apartment. 
On a side note, the most irritating thing about romantic comedies is that the woman has to end up with at least the prospect of a long term relationship by the end.  I'm always rooting for the women to end up without a relationship but to realize that they're okay either way.   

Leah...

 A couple of things are going on with you.  First, now that you're engaged, you're much less of a threat to women (single and married) relative to their men.  Before you were engaged, even though you were not hitting on their partner (husband or BF), women had an innate fear that you would, or that their partner would "wander".  I know you think I'm kidding.  I'm not.

Secondly, you are probably even happier now than before the engagement, and happy people draw a crowd.

Finally, there is that part of the crowd that feels being invited to a wedding is a sign of being on the "in" crowd.  Some of those people are cozying up because they hope to be invited to the nuptuals.  It's a last ditch attempt to get on the bottom of the "A" invitation list.  Frankly, there are very few weddings that I actually enjoy going to, but some people get a kick out of them.  Let me know who they are and they can have my next few "I don't want to go but I have to" wedding invitiations.  Then, they can can be on the in crowd while I do something  more enjoyable with the greater part of a day.

Call me cynical, but I've seen way too much of this for way too many years.  Enjoy it all while you can.

Tamar:

You can't really make the leap from being asked why you aren't dating anyone to asking the inquisitor how their sex life is.  They aren't the same questions.  A fair retort might be "When was the last time you went up to someone you didn't know and asked them to sit down with you for an hour's conversation."  Or perhaps you should ask them when the last time was that they had a meaningful conversation with their partner.  But your logic seems to be that dating only has to do with sex.  If it does in your world (and there's nothing wrong with that if it does), then I'm completely wrong here.  But if dating and sex aren't always done in combination, jumping from the singledom question to getting laid just doesn't follow (and I think you're smarter than that).

I've been away from Jewcy... Just read this and Tamar's follow-up post and I was surprised by the opening of the story.  The real issue here seems not to be that people are being nosy or invasive by asking single people whether they are dating, but the extremely negative judgments made about single people, and I'd say single women in particular.  The problem is that you were judged to be: poor, living in a tiny home, in "need" of a man so deficient in some way, a misfit who would "unbalance" a good dinner party... the list goes on.  What if, when you were asked whether you were single, and you said yes, your interlocutor simply filed that away as information about you-- like you live in X neighborhood right now, work for X company, etc?  I don't see why we have to stop asking people about their lives -- not their sex lives per se, but just how they live their daily life.  You currently live your daily life without the presence of one particular romantic or sexual partner.  There's nothing wrong with that, but it could be useful information to know.  And I promise I'd never try to set you up with my nephew.  He's way too young for you and he's not Jewish.

being single and in my late thirties has brought on this whole new way of feeling bad about myself.  i just learned how to love my body, and now this.  While my friends are finding relationships, getting married and having children (what?  like it's hard?) - I'm busy trying to figure out how to work full time, study for mid terms and apply for post bac - AND find a mate with whom i can build a jewish home while raising our jewish children.  the problem now is that the cards are stacked against me.  many events are full of twenty and young thirtysomethings.  everyone my age is married with children. 

I do want a relationship, and I've gone out to the single events, i'm on jdate (hell, i'm on frumster), and nothing.  i've come to realize that online dating is no different than going to a bar or an event.  the whole thing has cost me time and money with little results.  to put anymore work into finding a mate would cause me to sacrafice other areas in my life that are extremely important.  last february and march, i spent three weeks looking for a single date to accompany me to an event.  i did it through friends - asking if anyone new anyone who knew a guy who would be interested in going on a date.  it worked.  i did get two dates out of my efforts, but it was time consuming and exhausting.  

i have learned a lesson from all my years as a single woman:

1) have gay men as friends, but do not socialize with them.  they take up to much of your valuble time, and you're not going to meet any straight men by hanging out with them.

2) the old adage is true - women should not be asking guys out.  they like to persue. i'm sure there are stories out there of women who asked out guys, who are now their husbands, blah, blah, blah - but it's the exception. 

3) it's luck.  i've had friends whom were online, only to meet their special someone randomly at a friends bbq, dinner party...etc.

I've not given up, but now i'm just waiting for my special someone to get divorced or (kana hora) become widowed.  and my hopes of having a child (in a relationship - i will not do it alone) are slowly diminishing.  it's weird.  i never thought i would find myself in this position.  we are fed so much bullshit when we are girls that you will find someone, get married and have children.  when it doesn't, and we find ourselves in our thirties single and childless, we are left feeling like we failed in some way.  you can say to me now that there are no garauntees in life, but that's not what i was told growing up.  girls are told to expect the man, marriage and children.  i was asked what my wedding dress would look like, whom by bridesmaids would be and how many children i planed on having.

i don't want to give you all the wrong impression, it's upseting when i talk about this topic, but i don't walk around angry about it.  really.  i like people.  i like meeting new people and being involved in community.  i'm also downright adorable.  it is just so distressing to find myself in this position, and to feel like I have failed in some way - ugh!. 

i'm telling you.  i'm single, but it's not my fault.  i'm trying.  but before you judge me and make a comment...do you know anyone who knows anyone?  that would be more helpful.

 peace out