FAITHHACKER
| How To Talk To Religious Girls About Sex | |
 by Tamar Fox, May 16, 2007
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It’s my birthday, so naturally, I’d like to write about sex. Yesterday Laurel posted about how dumb the the OU’s new pro-abstinence website is, and I totally agree with everything she said, with everything Mobius said, with everything Jewesses With Attitude said, and everything Josh Yuter wrote, too. But I have two problems with all of the outrage going on:
1) This is not news. It’s not like abstinence was a secret new policy position that the OU just revealed. Not just abstinence, but a complete lack of physical contact between the sexes has been consistent and heavy rhetoric in the Orthodox community for several years now. There was even a shomer negiah themed shabbaton (on Valentine’s Day, of all times) at University of Iowa Hillel when I was a freshman there. So yeah, all the crap they say on the website is infuriating and insane, but some of us have been rolling our eyes at this BS for years. Welcome to the party.
Just the Facts, Ma'am: Be honest about sex
2) Nu? So now what? Thus far, no one has offered a viable alternative to the OU’s whacky website. The only comprehensive discussion of sexual ethics for teenagers that I’ve ever even heard of came from the Orthodox movement. Everyone else is afraid to touch it, and even if they weren’t, what could the Conservative movement say? The majority opinion says you shouldn’t have premarital sex, but the minority opinion says you can if you go to the mikva and lie to the mikva ladies. Yeah, that’s clear.
So okay, we need something to tell Jewish teenagers that draws on halacha, that points towards an observant lifestyle, but that remains realistic and honest. I can answer half of this problem. Below you’ll find the things I think every observant Jewish teenage girl should know about sex, complete with biblical and rabbinical sources. I feel way less equipped to talk to teenage guys about this for a number of reasons, but I hope someone like Steven Weiss, or Rabbi Yonah will take the challenge.
Anyway, here we go…
Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Your Chumash Teacher Told You Was Assur
You will love sex. You’re probably not worried about this, but just in case, I want you to know that you will. You might not at first, because it’s not easy or simple, and it can be embarrassing to ask for what you want or need, but trust me when I tell you that after you work at it, you’ll love it.
Sex has serious consequences. Pregnancy is the simplest of these consequences, and it’s not even remotely simple. Do you want to be a single Jewish teenager mother? No, you do not (trust me on this). Neither do you want to have a shotgun wedding. If you think your friends won’t notice that your baby is only six months older than your wedding pictures, you’re wrong.
Besides pregnancy, sex can lead to a variety of sexually transmitted diseases and infections. You can get Chlamydia and not find out until years later that you’ll have trouble having a baby. You can get genital warts or crabs, both of which are painful and unattractive. You can get HPV, which may not cause any problems for you until years later, when you get cervical cancer. And you can get HIV, a virus that will ultimately kill you.
If you want to be absolutely sure that you won’t have to deal with any of these problems, you should wait to have sex until you’ve gotten married, (although of course even then your husband can give you an STD, or infect you with HIV, and there are unwanted pregnancies within marriage). The best method of protection from this stuff is to use a condom every time. Though condoms are not a hundred percent effective, they are simple to use and cheap (often free). The vast majority of the time, using a condom will keep you from getting pregnant, and from contracting STDs and STIs.
Be honest with yourself about your sex life. If you’re uncomfortable with something, it’s your responsibility to speak about it, and it’s your partner’s responsibility to listen. Here’s a good rule of thumb: if you’re too embarrassed to tell your partner that something he’s doing doesn’t feel good, then you’re not ready to be in the situation at all.
Waiting to have sex until you get married can seem arbitrary and even impossible. When you’ve found someone you love, someone you think about all the time, someone you want touch and be touched by, the idea of holding back seems ludicrous. But within Jewish law, a marriage constitutes a certain kind of privacy and oneness that you can’t get without some wine under a chuppa. Being married entitles you to a secret that only you and your husband will know. Sex is a big part of that. It may also help to know that in marriage a man has an obligation to satisfy his wife sexually. The gemara even sets out a minimum number of times a man has to satisfy his wife per week (once a week for scholars and mule drivers, twice a week for laborers, and daily for people who can afford not to have a job, (Ketubot 61b)). The Shulchan Aruch adds that a man is obligated to satisfy his wife if he notices her hinting towards wanting intimacy (Orach Chaim 240:1). These obligations are great, but they only apply within marriage.
It can seem even more difficult to hold by these rules when you don’t have anyone special in your life, when you’re just lonely or sad or bored, and an opportunity for sex presents itself. In those times I hope you’ll remember that sex is a holy thing, and that casual sex means treating kedusha, holiness, with a lack of respect. It’s not an ethical call here. It’s not about premarital sex being wrong, it’s about premarital sex not being holy.
More than likely, you will have regrets about choices you made in regards to sex and relationships. In a few years, you’ll look back on these days and shake your head. Tanach is full of people who learn from mistakes they make in relationships, and even from mistakes they make in their sex lives. Judah slept with a prostitute (he thought she was a prostitute, at least), and faced possible public humiliation, but from it he learned humility and responsibility. King David took Batsheva as a wife, and tacitly sentenced her husband to death, and from this he learned about jealousy and greed. Jacob took two sisters as wives, and from their competition and resentment he learned the importance of peacemaking and compromise. If you get hurt, it’s worth it to spend some time thinking about where you went wrong, and trying to figure out how you can avoid it in the future.
Regardless of when you decide to have sex, I hope you’ll observe the laws of niddah. They, too, are part of our tradition, and they help create a rhythm and a flow in your relationship that will, I hope, keep the connection between you and your partner strong, and maintain a sense of desire and intensity.
I’m not saying this is the perfect policy statement for the OU—in fact, it’s quite clear that this is their worst nightmare. And to be honest, this isn’t an expression of how I feel about sex and marriage. But it seems to me that if we don’t get this information to frum girls now, we’re going to be in serious trouble later.
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Tamar Fox has an MFA from Vanderbilt University in Nashville, but she still doesn't like sweet tea. Born and raised in Chicago, she's also lived in Iowa City, Dublin, Oxford, and Jerusalem. When she's not rocking out at honky tonks she teaches More... |
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Faith
OU lies and distortions
I wrote an article on this yesterday - the main point of which was, kids are smart. Lie to them and you'll lose them. Tell them the truth and you're much more likely to keep them in the family/fold. I am angry at the OU for using the abstinence distortions that the Christian abstinence groups have come up with. It's such a shame.
Laurel Snyder
Tamar rocks
I think you're "the bomb" Tamar. The "bomb diggity". Joe has nothing on you.
xoL http://jewishyirishy.com
hwilensk
Terrific post
Terrific post, Tamar. The URJ is in the process of publishing a sex education curriculum for teens. I have not seen the material, but heard it described about a year ago. The theme seems to be similar to your post.
Phil Rosenberg
You never cease to impress me
Tamar, once again, that was wonderful!
Of course a handbook would contain much more legal mumbo-jumbo on the issue, and we do need to alert women to abusive partners, but this is clearly a great introduction for our age!
I wonder what you and others think about the following idea. I was talking to some Yeshivish friends about Shomer Negiah, and pointed out to them that there is no prohibition against merely touching people in the Bible. Indeed, I believe that it is Jacob who kisses Rachel on meeting her - before they were married.
What there is, in Leviticus, is a discussion about 'uncleanliness' which means that, after certain biological occurrences, merely touching a man or woman - and this applies even if you are of the same sex! - will also render a person unclean. I do not even know if this counts as a sin, but what is for sure is, as far as a literal reading of the Bible goes, this has nothing to do with sex and the prevention thereof, as the Kiruvniks want you to believe! If anything, it seems much more to be related to health issues.
That is not to say that the Bible allows pre-marital sex, but this point needs be made.
This goes a bit further, too. When I asked my learned friends where the phrase "Shomer Negiah" originates, they were at a loss. They could not even think of a Talmudic reference for it. Their suggestion, - although I have not checked this - is that it first appears in the writing of Maimonides in the 12th Century.
My point is that, even if "Shmirat Negiah" has legitimately come in to Halakhah now, it is not the central issue that the Kiruv establishment has made it out to be.
Phil Rosenberg
Amit
Shomer Negiah
is an Americanism. Like shomer shabbos. it is new and came into usage in the 1980s. This does not mean that touching was considered acceptable, although shaking hands with people was quite common in Western Europe in the 19th century.
The whole bible thing is out of line. Period. People in the bible rode horses on Shabbos, and slept with the wrong people all the time, and ate milk and meat together. They did - and we don't. Jews don't do the bible thing, you must be confusing us with protestants.
The sex laws are fundamental to Judaism, but they have nothing to do with marriage - and that *is* on the book - they have to do with menstrual taboos. So perhaps there should be a paragraph on "try to do it with Jews and go to the mikve first. and if it has to be casual, then try a non-Jew".
Amit
Menstruation
And of course sleeping with a menstruant is a sin, not in Lev. 15 - but in Lev. 18 and 20. Should be good enough.
RHF
This was moving
Really excellent post. I responded here: http://jewess.canonist.com/?p=381
I mostly agree with what you said but also just love that you offered an alternative message, and such an eloquent one at that.
In my Jewish high school our health teacher told us: Judaism prohibits condom use, but it also prohibits pre-marital sex, so if you're going to have pre-marital sex anyway, you'd better use a condom.
That always struck me as pretty great advice.
Tamar Fox
Doing it in the Bible
Amit, I wasn't saying that because it's done in the Bible it's okay. Orthodoxy consistently uses the actions of Biblical characters as examples of how we should conduct our lives, regardless of whether those people were living Orthodox lives (which of course they weren't). We still learn from their actions, and that's what I suggest we do here.
Anonymous
The Bible
Orthodoxy consistently uses the actions of Biblical characters as examples of how we should conduct our lives, regardless of whether those people were living Orthodox lives
That's not true. Orthodoxy uses the rabbinic personas associated with the Biblical characters. Josef was not a "tzaddik" in the Bible. David didn't sing all that many religious songs. etc. etc. Its the rabbinic personas associated with the names that count, and they sure as hell didn't do anything the Rabbis didn't want them to. Using the bible is just silly. (not that it detracts from the validity of the general argument)
Adamk
Shomer Negiah
Another tour de force Tamar :o)
My usual rant on shomer negiah seems relevant:
The phrase 'shomer negiah' is misleading because it infers that all touch is prohibited. The phrase itself is, as noted above by Amit, an Americanism. Both Maimonides and the Siftei Kohen on the Shulhan Arukh emphasise that it is a prohibition against LUSTFUL touch. There were (almost) no decisors prior to modern times who (in the case of unmarried men and women) totally prohibited physical contact. Hence, the handshaking practiced in Ashkenazi circles. It should be noted, however, that Maimonides considered the hugging of one's aunt a foolish practice. In the case of married men and women, presumably because of their greater familiarity and habitual intimacy, the rules governing their conduct were stricter.
The [Modern?] Orthodox 'Gila Manolson' 'Magic Touch' idea that 'Shomer Negiah' is the rabbinic promotion of healthy relationships is difficult to support. As Amit noted, biblically it concerns the ritual taboos (hence purity/impurity), that women are 'dirty' when menstruating, and therefore in the mind of the rabbis it is a question of purity and impurity. Healthy relationships are not their main focus. The idea that unmarried women are prohibited from using a mikvah doesn't (to my knowledge) occur in the earlier sources, inferring that the entire 'Magic Touch' argument is a creative modern attempt to make a seemingly irrelevant prohibition relevant to gullible teenagers.
Anonymous
Joseph
What's the basis for this statement: " Josef was not a "tzaddik" in the Bible"? He sure seems like a tzaddick to me. But for him there would have been a lot of starving Jews and Egyptians, right? How is he not a tzaddik?
"Using the bible is just silly" Uh, what are the Jews without the Bible?
Anonymous
Joseph
What's the basis for this statement: " Josef was not a "tzaddik" in the Bible"? He sure seems like a tzaddick to me. But for him there would have been a lot of starving Jews and Egyptians, right? How is he not a tzaddik?
"Using the bible is just silly" Uh, what are the Jews without the Bible?
JAB
Sex content for teens
Wow, glad I caught this post before it got too late! I'm a Senior Editor at JVibe (it's a magazine for Jewish teens and yeah, you've never heard of us. It's fine.) and we nearly threw up when we got the press release about the new OU abstinence site. We published a love/sex print issue last summer, and reprinted our article about sex online here: http://www.jvibe.com/realife/so_youre_having_sex.shtml. We got lots of positive feedback from teens of all denominations, so hopefully we're doing something right over here.
Amit
Joseph, take 2
Josef was not a "tzaddik" in the Bible"? He sure seems like a tzaddick to me. But for him there would have been a lot of starving Jews and Egyptians, right? How is he not a tzaddik?
Joseph did not get the epithet "tzaddik" (or the credit on the OU website) for giving out (selling for slavery) food to starving people. He got it for not sleeping with potiphar's wife, who seemed to want him. The Rabbinic Joseph is someone else entirely.
And stop doing the Bible thing. Christians are Biblical people too, and the question should be "what are Jews without the Talmud"?
Gilanah Shoshanah
Several years ago....
Our Reform congregation got a sermon touching on this topic and other aspects of sexual ethics on Yom Kippur about 5 years ago. I remember vividly because I was sitting on the bimah (after lay leading part of the service), pale and hungry, vaguely embarrased (because my then-13-yr-old son was in the congregation), and yet fascinated to hear details of what our B'nei Mitsvah kids were being taught in Religious School.
snurdly
Laurel's article
One part of her article offended me heavily; where she said that teens were going to have sex like it or not. It's that open attitude that puts pressure on those who are struggling with the issue...that they aren't up to speed socially with their peer group and need "to get some" to fit in. So thats what many teens end up doing...fulfilling their prescribed rite of passage by not only their peers but by the expectation of even adult educators. In a typical sex ed class abstinence gets a whole 2 lines devoted to the subject and usually gets some scoffs and giggles around the room with a chances-are-y'all-aren't-gonna-wait-'till-marriage-anyway attitude from the educator.
As for the OU's website...it's irrelevant...if you don't agree with it then youre not going to listen to it.
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