"We don't kill people, our low trading price kills people": Blackwater USA founder Erik Prince Here's an Onion headline that found its way into the New York Times: "Blackwater Tops All Firms in Iraq in Shooting Rate." So either DynCorps got assigned all the low-priority targets like Ari Fleischer's cousin, or else Erik Prince, founder of Blackwater USA, is sort of guy who changes the channel at home with an Uzi.

At this point, you can play a kind of failed state Mad Libs:

The State Department [was very forthcoming about / would not comment on]most matters relating to Blackwater, citing the current investigation. But Sean McCormack, the [witless flack who blamed Denmark for its problems with the Mohammed cartoons / department’s spokesman], said that of 1,800 escort missions by Blackwater this year, there had been “[only a thousand set of steak knives rewarded for high kill counts / only a very small fraction, very small fraction, that have involved any sort of use of force].”

No Blackwater employees, or any other contractors, have [failed to cooperate fully with Iraqi investigations / been charged with crimes] related to the shootings in Iraq, although there are a number of American laws governing actions overseas and in wartime that could be applied, according to experts in international law. In addition, a measure enacted last year calls for the Pentagon to bring contractors in Iraq under the jurisdiction of American military law, but the Defense Department [claims it wants to first make sure the punishments are harsh enough / has not yet put into effect the rules needed to do so.]