Did you know that JDate offers bulk rates to rabbis who want to sign up their entire congregations wholesale? And that some rabbis are paying out of pocket to get their flocks hitched? JDate is seriously the greatest racket in the history of the Internet.

Just because HaShem seems to think you’re wasting your time on Nerve, though, doesn’t mean that JDate isn’t fraught with peril. Look at the Good Samaritan who calls himself Portnoy4U (which, as unappealing literary characters go, is pretty much the male equivalent of a woman calling herself LilLadyMacbeth) and whose “What I’m Looking For” essay contained the following aside:

“IF YOU NEVER SAY ONE WORD TO ME IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE, STILL HEED THESE NEXT PEARLS OF WISDOM!!!! UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU EVER GO TO THE MATZOH BALL IN BOCA RATON!!!! DON'T DO IT.”

Or the lady whose terse profile said only “looking for someone special to spend my time with, please have hair on ur head.”

My winner this week, though, is the GUY WHO VOLUNTEERED. BullofBudapest, seriously, you’re my hero. Not only did you e-mail me specifically requesting to be featured in this column, which shows megaballs, but your profile is approximately 3000 words long. I’m excerpting my favorite part, but ladies, you kind of have to read the whole thing:

With Holocaust survivor parents I KNOW Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Hence, I love to party, dance (wild/dirty, imagining I'm Black, to slow/soft taking long, tight dips), get into heavy discussions & light flirtations, make passionate love (any other kind?), humble the arrogant, fight the "good fight"(charge windmills), challenge the smug; solitude, silence, spiritiuality, nature, current affairs, NPR, Air Amerika; high-volume stereo singing along with Orbison, CCR, Rait, Motown, James Taylor, The Eagles; and seeking to understand my God.

Previously: Jerry Seinfeld Meets James Bond