Dating sucks no matter who you are. Funny and interesting spin on the subject. But we can't see those innocent eyes with the sunglasses on.

there's no "culture" --it's cultures, plural, and subcultures and subsubcultures...

Imagine a straight person saying there are only "meat markets" to go to--it'd be just as ridiculous as what you said. Join a club, go to a meeting, join a sport or activity, go to a bar where it's not as hookup-ish but more hangout-ish, do brunch buddies or something, ask friends to fix you up with someone, ...

Your view is completely legit; I for one have given up clubbing unless its a crazy night out with friends, because so much of gay culture seems to exist solely for the purpose of sex.

 Sure, there's the oppression view: that we should stop this because it's just another reason for bigoted rich white people to hate us.

But on a more basic note, I can't entirely fathom what kind of "culture" - and anyone who says that this is not a culture, or even part of one, is absolutely nuts and presumably hasn't been outside since the Stonewall riots - this is that we're trying to create for ourselves.

 Thirty years ago it was one thing: like any group of people recently freed from (some of) the tenets of oppression, gay people were experiencing free sexuality for the first time since the days before Oscar Wilde.

But we've passed that brief, shining moment. We have to look to the future, to what parts of gay culture are going to assimilate and what parts are going to operate parallel with heterosexual culture. And it's sad to think that blowjobs from strangers in toilets is what we're keeping for ourselves.

At first I was going to say to you that perhaps you just haven't met the right crowd of people. But thinking back over my gay friends and acquantences, I began to realise that what you said was basically true. (Except for those really jaded, undoubtedly-realllly unpopular-throughout-their-entire-life-cynics who don't want to be so much homosexual as antisexual.)

But, if I had to find a bright side: you've realised this. And I've realised this. Surely there's hope for us yet?

As a gay-friendly straight guy living in DC, I certainly know what you are talking about with regards to the scene. The HIV/AIDS rate here is more than 10 times the national average - a frightening statistic. Although not all of it comes from anonymous sex (a large portion of new cases come from intrevenous drug use), the promiscuous social scene (hetero, bi, and homosexual) here is definitely a major factor.

My best friend from college is gay and he's been dating an awesome guy for the last year and a half. I feel so comfortable hanging out with them because I'm not worried that either one of them is going to lean over to me and ask me to bang them in a bathroom stall. And just the same, the members of the community they choose to hang out with share the same values. The only time I ever feel uncomfortable is when I go to a gay bar with them and get oggled by a 60 year old guy dressed like an 18 year old. I typically find that once those pervs find out I'm straight they think that they will be the one to "convert" me.

I just think it's somewhat discouraging to say that you're not proud to be gay. I understand that you are referring to the lifestyle, but I think non-Gays will interpret it to mean that you are denouncing all homosexuality. The true task - however daunting - is to try to organize more members of the community who think like you do and slowly, but surely (not Shirley) try to influence the hearts and minds of those who give homosexuality a bad name.

Just my two cents.

Great blog though!

You ask why guys want to fuck you but not date you... The answer is probably that you were once a HUGE whore and now you're not.

As a former huge whore myself, I can tell you that once you have that stigma attached, it's hard to shake it off.
You have to learn to be completely comfortable under your own skin and look deeply at yourself before you can judge a whole "community" for their shortcomings.

I agree with a lot of what you're saying, though.
Most of the gay men I know have attrocious taste culturally.
I live in Minneapolis and the Gay Pride festival here has become nothing but a giant commercial for corporations, churches and politicians. I bet it has become this way practically everywhere in the U.S.

I'm also curious why you're so distraught about not finding a man to date.
It isn't the end of the world to be single and it's better for you, in my opinion, to be alone for a good stretch of time to figure your shit out and be receptive to a relationship.
The moment you stop looking (if it's meant to be) you'll find someone who will love you for who you are.

And if you think that all that gays have contributed to society is "fashion, makeup and decorating advice," you need to read some more books and hang out with a different crowd.
There are TONS of amazing queer artists and musicians out there changing the perception of what it means to be gay.

Jaime Carrera

clinical as it sounds, the only answer I can think of to your final question is to find people on internet dating sites, prescreen them into those who you have described above, and the other ones (more like yourself). Meet the 'other' ones, and hopefully find someone nice. or get your friends to introduce you to their friends, until you find nice date-able ones.

You can't find anyone to date because all the guys you meet want to fuck you instead? Maybe it's because you whine too much (like in this post). Or maybe in the vacant gay culture in which you reside, the guys see you as past your prime. Either way lay off the self hatred. You may not be proud of gay/queer/lesbian culture but I am. Queer people are forging a new frontier in the world and if you want to be left behind with the straight guys who love you then cool. We don't want you. Jerk!!

what the guy above me said!

I think that you've raised some very good points. I believe that society in America has become completely over sexed in all communities whether Homosexual, Bi or Hetero. Sex has lost meaning. It's become a hobby, a resort, a source or income. Classic romance is slowly dying, proper dating etiquette along with it.

And as for you gentleman who are verbally bashing our writer here, it sounds like you are a bit on the overly defensive side. How can you defend an entire portion of a culture when you may only make up a fraction of a percentage of it?

Stay on this newly found spiritual path of yours, Charles. You're beautiful.

I couldn't agree enough with this thread...I'm guessing the author hit 24, might not have a concave stomach and actually grew a beard. I'm also guessing he actually has gotten his soul back a bit.

As someone late to come out, not rail thin and a four years past the under 23 ceiling, i've had a rough time with gay guys. i feel so special being a gay that is hated by all other gays, which likely explains why it took me so long to come out because nobody hit on me to start with when they noticed I actually was not a twink. it's even worse because i'm in college where everybody hooks up with everybody...except me. right now, over 75% of the gays on campus are in a relationship now...except me. i can't win either way, and I even get used and dumped when I settle for guys I'm not even attracted to.

as of recent, they all hate me because i dared to react to how shallow and cold they treated me. what was i supposed to do, roll over and die? it seems everybody i know is a "popular" gay, whore or has a boyfriend, but i can't even find a date at all, much less to anybody i'm attracted to. i'm getting mean with most of them because if i try to be nice they treat me worse. i work out all the time, i'm not butt ugly and look five years younger than my age but nothing seems to work. i was snubbed at the club, get no hits online and the amount of gay friends i have i can count on one hand.

in addition, i'm also a straight-acting gay guy that suffers from lack of being noticed as gay as well. when i came out, everybody was shocked. all my straight friends think i'm closet straight (wrong) and gay people treat me like dirt because i don't act like the typical soulless, spoiled, vapid little queens that i've dealt with. what do i have to do to even find someone to date? being a whore isn't even working because i can't find people to hook up with. i've tried everybody's advice but i pretty much stay empty handed while my ex who was five years younger than me can't kick the guys off of him...a big part of why we didn't work.

-Mr. Bitter

The autor happens to be 22 and his stomach while flat, is not concave... No beard...
Maybe you should try messaging him thorugh jewcy and he can give you some advice... or pray to hashem to bring you peace...
Happy pasover everyone!
Next Year in Jerusalem