A very eloquent recollection you did of the events and what emotions the actual evens spurred up in you. It’s true that we all want to live our lives not in a state of regret because that, along with guilt, is a useless emotion. But it is hard and obviously you are growing to understand yourself more and more. I’m coming to learn that self-awareness is one of the most important qualities involved in the growth process. You have to be aware of your own actions and why you end up doing the things that you do. Once that comes you open up the opportunity for yourself to be able to change your behavior patterns and make better decisions. Nonetheless, it still doesn’t take away the void you must feel of things that you missed out on because of having dated EVIL A (EMPHASIS ON THE EVIL). But we’re young and you know you’ll have opportunities to fill in those missing pieces. It’s hard to compare your own life experience with someone like Spaniard because he has had such a hyperbolized experience that you and I find ourselves foreign too. I know that I would be intimidated if I were in your shoes having that conversation with a loooooooooover. In fact come to think of it I was in a very simmilar predicament this summer....Living in Europe for a year, eh? That’s a huge investment and takes away all the comforts of family and close friends so as picturesque and dreamy as that all sounds its also kind of extreme. And Spaniard is such a jet setter that that’s just the life that he’s used to so......I don’t know I lost my train of thought. Okay that’s all eat an oatmeal cookie.

-Best Friend

Dear Amy,

Wow, this is the best thing you have written in my opinion thus far. The first thing to do is stay whole, if you are not whole you have nothing to offer anyone in this world. Spaniard (is feels silly referring to a human that way) sounds very wise and compassionate, and rather than worry how he will percieve you, or whether yuo are official or not, maybe take solacen in knowing you have a great friend in him. 

    I recently had to remind myself that mirrors can be funhouse mirrors. If the image sent back is incongruous with your own knowing of self, try facing the disconnect and learning from it, it sounds like Spaniard gave you a gentle shove in that direction.

    Refocusing the lens through which others see you and in which you see yourself to reflect the core of your true self will be your ultimate strength.

This piece really moved me and will be able to contribute to my own healing; I am sure others will feel that as well.

Insert a joke here for fun 

when I've got you guys?!

Best Friend:  yes I have my whole life ahead of me to make up for any opportunities I feel I've missed out on during my time with Evil A.  And those damn Europeans.  As wonderful/sexy as they are they fail to realize that they come from a land where access to great diversity in culture/life experiences is all RIGHT there at their doorstep.  It's a different culture, a different lifestyle and it's unrealistic to expect to have the same jet setting experiences as someone like Spaniard. And I'm only 21--SO many years of life ahead of me to spend being happy rather than miserable, as I was with Evil A.

Charles:  So sweet.  Thank you.  Understanding yourself and what you want and need in life is SO important.  Oddly for many of us it's so hard to really take a step back and figure out what we want and what we need in life.  Which is why so many people wind up in shitty situations they don't have to be in, doing things they don't have to do, and wind up miserable.  Spaniard is wise and has said already some very impactful things to me about life in general that I often remind myself of when I need a boost/inspiration.  I can't beat myself up for what happened with Evil A but I can try to figure out why I stayed with him and learn from that.

ok, it's been a lot of serious in this column this past two weeks.  back to funny next week.  here's hoping for an eventful weekend.  that is if i don't freeze to death in my party clothes. (non-new yorkers: nyc is 12 degress right now with a windchill of zero. and i hate all blocks between ninth and tenth avenues. fucking river.) 

x to the o

Amy 

My best friend, who I'd have asked to marry me many years ago if sexual orientation did not preclude such things, moved to California from the east coast five years ago. She almost immediately found a woman there she fell madly in love with and who became the focus of her life. The fact this woman didn't have any established occupation and seemed reluctant to share any personal history, thoughts or feelings did not seem to matter to my friend, though myself and others raised questions. As my friend put herself through school and is in a field where she does quite well, she took on the role of the breadwinner, and her salary allowed them to purchase a very nice house, two cars, and some very nice luxuries. None of which stopped her partner from chocking her when they had fights, or manipulating things so my friends name didn't get put on the house. She had people who cheered and celebrated every time she would move out, and tell her how glad they were for her, and who cried alone every time she went back. Most of them stuck with her till she was so miserable she hooked herself on prescription drugs and crystal meth, and even I was pushed to the point of having to cut off this woman who I love so much, simply because the pain was more than I could take.

Her fault? Maybe, she did make decisions, and those decisions from the point of view of an outside observer seem to be poor, if not irrational. However, she is not the only one, the fact there are so many articles, blogs, conferences, and organizations on this topic show this is not a rare aberration. To me, the question is why an otherwise intelligent, effective and highly praised decision maker would chose to do self destructive things. People by instinct do not seek out misery, abuse and self-destruction. It is neither natural nor rational. So then why does it happen?

My friend lost her job, probably will not recover the money she put into a house she can no longer sleep in, has an arrest record for DUI and drugs, and faces the long rocky road of recovery. I still love her, though now when she calls, the first thing I think is "has she been using?", instead of how happy I am to hear her voice.

We as a society given token amounts to shelters, complain about restraining orders not being enforced, and wonder why programs seem so ineffective. We shake our heads and are glad were smart enough not to let that Evil person do it to us. We say it is enough that if they call and ask for help, we'll send some one over, as soon as they clear they other three calls ahead of yours. We trade rumors and gossip over who did what and make secret smug smiles to ourselves about how they didn't have things so together after all.

If its that bad, leave is our refrain. It is your choice if you stay. Is it not just as much our high and mighty choice that not to stop the blow from being struck? To grab the hand before it hits? To quit turning our back and pretending this is just a small evil? Who stands up day after day and says I will not tolerate this being done to you, because it is wrong?

I'm sorry, I'm sick of the "who needs therapy" attitude. Our entire society needs a brain enema at about 1200 psi. Our fear of therapy is our fear of not being perfect. We dare not admit to any fault or weakness less we look diminished in the eyes of others. We get hung up on what disorder or deficiency the insurance company requires to be on the paper work for them to pay and see a few words a summing up all there is to know about a human being. No one stops to think those in therapy are seeking what they need to change and enjoy a more happy life, while the rest of us pretend all is well. No, couldn't be a tool to use to change and improve, as what could I possibly want different?

And Evil laughs.

can be amazingly beneficial with the right therapist-patient match. i've been in therapy for over a year and it's changed my life so much for the better, in ways i never would have thought possible before i started. it takes a lot of dedication from both therapist and patient for it to work well. i'm sorry things didn't work out well for your friend. love/relationships are blind--unfortunately we stumble into manipulative and destructive situations sometimes and can't find our way out. the support of my friends and family helped me recognize a healthy, happy option did exist. with the help of my therapist i found that option and made it my life.

i went into therapy upon my mother's insistance. she had been urging me to call my current therapist for months and i refused until shit hit the fan. i thought i could deal with the break from Evil A on my own, but i decided--for my mom--to give therapy one more shot. (i should note i had seen four therapists off-and-on before finding my current and was convinced therapy was bullshit pseudoscience.) i realized the key to making it work is finding someone who's a good fit for you. i have many friends who say their friends and family provide all the therapy/counseling they need. but the truth is friends and family are too close to us to counsel us well all the time, and therapists have skills untrained friends don't. sometimes the best counseling our loved ones can provide is encouraging us to seek it from professionals and exit our comfort zone.

It would seem to me that you have been presented several invaluable lessons in a brief period of time, and all before life really begins to take off. Soon, I'd imagine your rehabilitation will result in a calm, understanding reflection.

As strange as it may seem today, I believe you may ultimately be grateful. Not for the experience, necessarily, but for the timing. Personally, I believe you to be very fortunate.

D.E.