Doctor, I know it feels like you're never going to have sex again, but you just need to continue to press your case. Once the kid starts sleeping through the night, you'll go to bed feeling like a man more often. However, if you have another kid, I imagine that stack of magazines (or bookmarked YouTube videos), will have to expand.

As for shame about masturbatory proximity, what would you do instead? Build a jerk-off shack in the backyard? Middle-class people live in smallish houses. At least you're not humping by the family hearth, like parents used to.