Elisheva,I am quick to compliment you on the fact that are asking if what you have done is kosher although it is clear you know the answer quite clearly--it is not.

The fact that most Jews do not honor the law (almost any Jewish law) is true and this is no excuse to find and seek new standards--unless there is evidence that a law is unfair, unjust or counter-productive. The sexual standards have served the Jewish people well over time and it is a matter of character that brings Jews to follow the standards today. Sadly, I engaged in pre-marital sex and it is clear to me that in retrospect--it was a big mistake.

Absent in your long detailed entry, is any discussion about the reasoning that brought you to have sex with Ben in the first place. It just happened. I am so pleased that you had guilt and anxiety about being asked about your marital status by the mikvah lady since this demonstrates you knew you were missing the mark. Your ending is quite puzzling and this is why I need to challenge your positing in the same way as I have challenged Tamar's. You write that "most people do not wait to have permission to have sex" and you end on a note disparaging the Rabbis since you believe that their reactions are "naive" and the law will not stop more people from engaging in pre-marital sex.

But the fact is that the law DOES stop religious Jews from engaging in pre-marital sex--it simply fails to prevent secular minded Jews. And this is where the trouble begins with your writing. What was so important to be gained by not waiting--didn't you both feel pressure to wait--especially since the relationship seemed like it is going in the direction of marriage? You see, it is no wonder why a secular Jew would fail to say a bracha before eating. It is no wonder that a secular Jew would violate Shabbos. On the other hand, It is a wonder why a serious religious Jew would violate a sexual law and this is precisely why the editors of Jewcy are so pleased to invite you to speak so openly about your experience.

Indeed, it can be argued, if even the religious are having pre-marital sex--why shouldn't all of us?

You conclude that the mikvah was great--so why no specific remorse about the subterfuge? Perhaps that will come in the years ahead--in the meantime, Jews on the fence can read your article and conclude that the red light that was before them that turned into a yellow light is now a green light.

"Invisible hand" wants to make pre-maritial sex holy but a bath is not the problem. Sex is holy in the context of a marital relationship and not in any other context. The "fact" that Jews have a lot of pre-marital sex, a lot of Jews do not keep Shabbos, a lot of Jews do not study Talmud/Torah-- is not relevant to the efficacy of the law in the first place.