Reading through Tamar and David Friedman's debates about sex reminds me of a conversation I recently had with my grandfather.  To give a little context, my grandparents just celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary, and everyone who knows them will agree they have been absolutely in love for every one of those many decades. 

About two months ago my grandfather tells me he wishes I can have as loving and successful a marriage as he and my grandmother have had.  I asked him what the  secret was, or he thinks he did right.  And after 60 years of marital life, my grandfather told me he had no idea.

I was a little disappointed by his answer.  I obviously wouldn't have asked the question except that I was hoping for a couple clues to guide me through some very frightening and important decisions. At the same time I couldn't help but admire his honesty and humility, especially considering that his  success over 60 years of marriage would make it impossible to ignore any advice he could give.

I think Friedman has some valid criticisms of the way relationships are lived today.  You'd have to be blind not to see the wreckage from millions of failed marriages.  But his prescription for improving things shows a complete lack of appreciation for how enormous a challenge it is to make a marriage work over the course of a lifetime in the 21st century.  To simply recite the Torah as the solution to all relationship problems displays a complete blindness to the fact that we are different from the people living in the Middle East 3000 years ago.  We're not the same people, only with better toys.  Our dreams, fears, way of thinking, lifespans--even our very identities--are not the same as they always were.  We couldn't go back to living like ancient Hebrews, even if we wanted to (and frankly, all you have to do is read a few chapters of Judges to see that we really, really don't want to).

That doesn't mean we need to throw all tradition out the door, or that Tamar's way of living her life is right for everyone.  But Tamar never claims to have all the answers.  I would guess Tamar's "rambling" is a reflection of the fact that she recognizes how open these questions are.   

--Z