Soccer is correct and Tamar is rambling and it simply comes down to doing what she wants to do.

But simply because one wants to "do it" hardly makes it desirable or in one's best interests.  To repeat a point I made earlier on another folder, an immature decision is not justifiable simply because it is held or someone feels "sparks."  To repeat, if one asks any adult and those of us who are married--the "sparks" are NO big deal and the standard that places one to value sex and "sparks" as so important are precisely the profile of those whose marriages fail.  For men and women alike (although it is a bigger problem for women) to become so sexualized kills the kind of commitment it takes to be successfully married over the long haul.  The habit of chronically looking at members of the opposite sex to fulfill themselves does not end when one is married.  A good married man or woman might still feel inappropriate attractions but has the wherewithal to fight those feelings away.  Those in the habit of looking for "sparks" will always find it and are less likely to stop looking after the wedding.

All happily married people have sparks and we all agree it is good that sexual attraction is part of the relationship.  What is interesting is that the sparks build and improve and in some cases, there were not a lot of sparks from the beginning.  The key is understanding from the beginning what is critical and what is not.  Common values, high character and a high level of commitment will get a marriage through just about anything."Sparks" will buy you very little and the decision to put the sex up front is no warranty that the important things will also follow--on the contrary, it is a sure sign that the important things will be discounted--sometimes not by design but as a result of creating a false and highly charged emotional bond that is a substitute for real intimacy and compatibility.  The kind of romance Hollywood sells is counter-productive to the marital unit--not the key to it. Tamar might say that sex is not the only important thing under the banner of a defense of hanky panky.  This is double talk.  She speaks with authority about how religious Jews downplay the importance of the physical aspect of a marriage when she is a single woman and has never experienced marriage.  It is clear her OWN family disagrees with her and they are all married and know the score.

Jews who are in touch with guarding what one's eyes and hearts lead are in a much better place to stay on that path.

The most disturbing element of this whole thread is the shear gall it takes to suggest that Torah Judaism really does not have much to say about sex.  What a ridiculous contention!  People are willing to re-write the Torah in so many ways--all that we have said about the importance of keeping sex in a marital context simply cannot be spun away.