Arts & Culture
The Day After He Left for Iraq
By Melissa Seligman / February 16, 2009
Melissa Seligman, author of The Day After He Left for Iraq, is guest blogging this week as one of Jewcy‘s Lit Klatsch bloggers. Seligman is an army wife and mother, and her book is a memoir of her husband’s deployment.
My life hasn’t always been like this. But whose has? I’m constantly waiting. Waiting for my husband to leave. To come home. To reconnect. Or to tell him goodbye again. It seems that from the very beginning, longing has defined our marriage.
I longed to move, drive, see the west, and capture the world. He was my counterpart, my kindred hippy spirit. We married, moved out west, and began that romantic love affair that had tickled my brain for years. Until.
“I want to go active duty,” he told me one day in front of the hazy skyline of the Rockies. He had been in uniform before. Only he had a pierced tongue, in-between-duty goatees, and enough of a wild side to consider him anything but straight and narrow. “Um. Okay,” I said. What was there to stop us? It would ensure a good paycheck. Lots of travel. Job security.
I knew he would most likely go to Afghanistan. 9/11 was fresh. My patriotism was high, and he has always been called to serve. So, we packed up, left the Rockies in the rearview mirror, and headed east. To a great unknown. It was exciting. And scary. And wonderful.
Until he left for nearly seven months of school. That day, I sat on a couch and watched that infamous statue being tugged and torn in Baghdad. Two wars. Shock and awe left me shocked and raw.
As my belly began to grow with a baby (surprise!), we got sent up north. All the way up north, and I began to hear constant rumors that he would leave as soon as we got there. And that he would continue to leave year after year after year.
It wasn’t long. With a still-swollen belly and a screaming baby in my arms, exactly five years ago, my still-newlywed husband stood at our kitchen door on a frigid New York night, kissed her pink forehead, and begged me to understand. I thought I understood. At least, I tried.
But when that door closed in my face, reality sucker punched me in the gut. There is no graceful, easy, painless, romantic way to send your husband off to war. The emptiness left behind the fading sound of his boots is deafening.
He did come home. Reintroduced himself to his wife and child. And we merged back into the false sense of togetherness. With two raging wars, how comfortable could we possibly get? We tried. We took what time we had, and we trudged into the world of blissful family. Until.
With my belly swollen, again, I stood in a parking lot, holding our second newborn and searching for a way to say goodbye. Again. This time, Iraq beckoned. I had no way of knowing what would become of us. Of him. Of our marriage. I only knew one simplified version of our life, our struggle: I loved him.
After he left, the body count grew. The explosions intensified, and I struggled to remember that vital truth while I read of his attacks and missions. With two babies, a husband at war, and a life on hold, I wondered what future would come to pass.
Our struggle, my need to survive and retain some semblance of sanity, his mission to maintain a vital role in our family, and the pain of my daughter and our fatherless son all came together in my journal, my book, The Day After He Left for Iraq.
People ask me quite often, “How do you do it?” My answer is simple: I’m not sure I am doing it.
Melissa Seligman, author of The Day After He Left for Iraq, is guest blogging on Jewcy, and she’ll be here all week. Stay tuned.
POST A COMMENT
Melissa:
 Thank you for your husband’s service, and for your patience while he serves. Many of us who have the privilege of just going on with our lives as normal understand– and appreciate– that this privilege was purchased for us by people like your husband and you.
Again, thanks, and best wishes to your growing family.
My hope is that these stigmas are changing. I can’t speak for a soldier. I would like to think that since my husband did go to counseling that he wouldn’t be looked down upon. But, I would be lying if I said he wasn’t worried or concerned about how he would look when he did do it. What he is finding, however, is that with so many men and women deploying, it is very hard to find a person that doesn’t understand what a fellow soldier is going through. That certainly doesn’t mean that he/she will show sympathy, but hopefully, an empathetic mind can remain a bit more open? I don’t know. I can speak for myself in saying that I was very worried about my fellow military spouse peers. I was worried that exposing my underbelly in my memoir would cause me to be "stoned" within my community. What I am finding is that isn’t the case. However, that fear was very present with me. So, I can only imagined that it is multiplied within the military society that is so ingrained in past doctrines. I can say that the mental help is present and encouraged before/after deployments. However, the soldiers who opt out, we can only wonder if it is peer-induced, or an individual fear that keeps them away.
Melissa —
You make so many valid points. Just thinking about all the many factors which contribute to soldier suicides is almost overwhelming. You are right that the "macho ethos" and "warrier culture," must be in the military when you expect soldiers to fight wars. My thought was more about how the military treats soldiers who want some mental health help, some counseling –something that might help them to not try suicide, to not feel hopeless and helpless. Many are afraid that if they have mental health therpy, it will become part of their permanent military record — which usually means you no longer have a chance for a serious military career. Also can you imagine many soldiers going to their supervising officer and saying: "I’m having suidcide thoughts" ? If he does, chances are he’ll be punished either by the officer and/or his peers who hear about it. Hazing has been part of the military history since our armed services began! I believe something radical must happen within the millitary culture to change these factors.
Sharon,
 Thank you so much for your comment. I think the first line of attack in this situation is to lift the veil. These things are often left unsaid. Until my book came out, I often thought I was the only woman going through these emotions, and I was honestly shocked when other military wives began to say, "me too" and began standing beside me. I am very aware that the suicide rate has increased. I don’t think I could be unaware when constantaly worrying about my own husband’s mental state. I think it is worth noting that other issues are greatly weighing on our soldiers, too. One of the main ones is that when a soldier returns, no marriage can be fully prepared for the reintegration process. It is suffocatingly hard. And, to know that other deployments will follow, you often get caught in a horrible cycle of trying to know/help your spouse and yourself to feel married again. When infidelity, money issues, PTSD, and children are thrown in, the weight can begin to feel unbearable. Also, many soldiers may see a fifth deployment as a death sentence anyway and suicide as a viable way to support children in terms of life insurance. It seems horrific, but considering that these men and women are trained to accept death daily, it isn’t a far reach. There are so many issues involved in this convoluted area. And, the military is already greatly overwhelmed with the growing concerns in every area from deployments, family strains, and suicide rates. All this while trying to train our soldiers for two very brutal wars. It is all very stressful, and horrific. As far as a "macho ethos" I think that is very present in the military. How could it not be? These men and women are the ones fighting bloody wars. I know I couldn’t do it without some sense of "I can take it all" attitude. But, it is important to note that these pressures exist, from top to bottom, in every aspect of the military. They are all, from national guard, coast guard, recruiters, and cadets, trained to lay down their lives. With two wars going on, how could that not eat at their mental state? Who wouldn’t be terrified right now? And, there just isn’t enough time for anything. No time to train, to be with family, to recruit adequately (recruiters have to fulfill a quota for enlisting soldiers), or to seek therapy to address it all. I agree with you. It is alarming. Hopefully the dialogue is now open.
Melissa — You told us that after your husband left, "the body count grew and the explosions intensified." What you probably did not know was that the number of soldier suicides was skyrocketing too. The U.S. Army’s suicide rate began to spike in 2004 but it is only now that the Pentagon leadership is alarmed. Their reaction is unbelievably slow! There have been a lot of soldiers who have killed themselves between 2004 and 2009. We all know the kind of stress there is in being repeatedly deployed to war zones. But guess what? Today there are problems with Army recruiters who are stationed state-side, committing suicide. And just in the last two months West Point cadets are also killing theselves! An article at the Ethic Soup blog suggests there’s something systemic to the Army that is contributing to the suicides — partly a "warrior culture" or macho ethos persists and makes it unbelievably difficult for a solider to initiate getting mental health counseling. You can read more at: http://www.ethicsoup.com/2009/02/us-army-soldier-suicides-rise-to-3decade-high.html
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